Courage to Change

Non-Control, Powerlessness

2012-02-15T05:55:00.006-08:00

Step One in EA (with my interpretations) in parentheses: Admitted that we were powerless over our emotions, that (wielding power over our emotions) had made our lives unmanageable (i.e. thrown us off-course).

Follow the Course

Power seduces.

Just navigate the river;

Discern the currents. ~ V Smitty

The best way to navigate through life is to give up all of our controls. Gerald Jampolsky

Step Six, Haiku

2012-02-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

Behold the mirror

Where long-held misperceptions

Vanish in His sight.

Step Eleven, Staying

2012-02-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

Meditation

Twixt now and summer

A new geography. My

Breath holds me. Here. Now.

2012-02-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

(Adapted for personal use from Courage to Change in Alanon.)

"If I reclaimed all of the minutes, hours, and days I’ve sacrificed to worry and fear, I’d add years to my life. When I succumb to worry, I open a Pandora’s box of terrifying pictures, paranoid voices and relentless self-criticism. The more attention I play to this mental static, the more I lose my foothold in reality."

Whoa. In the coming weeks I have much to accomplish.

The reading from January 10th CTC suggests that to break the cycle of worry and fear, I learn to focus all my attention on this one moment. When I make the choice to "turn away from destructive thoughts," and put my attention on what I can sense: the sights and sounds around me: light and shadows, the earth beneath my feet, the sounds of birds, wind, my breath—all pieces of the here and now. Surprisingly, reality itself can "help rescue me from the “what ifs” and “should haves” by anchoring me in the present."

Then there are the program tools: Prayer and meditation, our slogans, and calls out to friends on this path, also hearken me back to this moment. Let me take my focus gently from my inner noise, to be receptive to my Higher Power’s will. I can find the Power to walk through these difficult times.

Let me be led by these words today:

"This day is all I have to work with and it is all I need. If I am tempted to worry about tomorrow concerns, I will gently bring my mind back to today and sanity."

“The past has flown away. The coming months and year do not exist. Ours only is the present’s tiny point.” Shabistari

The First Step as Teacher

2012-02-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

The first step is a good teacher for me. I've learned that reacting to my emotions is the powerlessness that makes my life unmanageable. Allowed to escalate, my reactions might even cause me to self-destruct. Meditation has been a way for me to learn to stop reacting.

In EA, we have 4 A's. Some folks put Action first. Not me-- not unless sitting counts as an action. These days time spent sitting is my way of allowing myself to become aware of and begin to accept my emotions.

I see each A as gradually leading into the next, through a practice of patience and forbearance.

Awareness => Acceptance=> Changed Attitudes => Creative Actions

WTF? Ads attached to my WORDS?

2012-02-02T20:35:00.001-08:00

I am not happy to find advertisements inserted on "random" words in my writing.

How do I undo the links or sabotage their efforts to infiltrate the world in which I do my private communication?

This feels distinctly like a leech attaching itself to the flow of my creativity with every keystroke. Yecch.

And what happens to things that are supposed to be outside of public view, like on list serves... where only members post. Why are these advertising leeches allowed to attach to what is deeply personal and private? Hmmm?

Now I find it very interesting that none of the words I within this entry have a single "advert leech" attached. Wonder how I can do that same trick, next time?

One Day at a Time, Again?

2012-02-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

The reality of the move is beginning to sink in a bit, a tiny bit less unpleasantly.

I had become quite used to a one-day-at-a-time life, here in my Piedmont town, since sinking my roots into "program;" 4 plus years ago now.

Before that, I really lived the story-telling aspect of our work. I felt by telling my story honestly, I would find recovery.

With Uncle W's death, I began to realize some of the stories I was telling myself were really limiting my potential. I was attaching too much to them, setting myself up for repeated calamitous falls.

That is when I fell right into the Today book, began following it closely each day, amazed at how it spoke to my experience. Each reading helped me detach from my personal story, while allowing me greater compassion.

Not long ago, I found myself studying those stories in our EA Big Book. Those stories that told essentials: What people had been like before program, the back-story of their childhoods, a look at the depth and breadth of their emotional suffering. Even a few painful details are in those stories. But when I read them more closely, I saw each had a unique map for how they had used the program. And each had a story of success.

I wanted the success that lasts. I still want it. But I also realize that many times my life is one day, one stone, at a time. So it will be with the move.

One day I would like to write my own story, looking at its successes. I know they are there now, even as I face a move, which calls into question almost every aspect of my current life.

But for now I am living one day at a time, and giving myself credit for each step I take towards this move, which means so much to my family.

Loss, appreciation, grief, joy, adventure, fear...and more.

I Don't Wanna....

2012-01-29T19:58:00.000-08:00

Move, that is.

I decided to admit that scary fact. I really didn't want to move. I did not want to look for the good, I wanted to admit the truth. But where did that take me?

I mean, what was there to say after I said I did not want to move? Even if I did tell people, "This is just the way I feel, and I know it will pass, " saying the words made the feeling even more obstinate, not less. I found myself not liking what I heard people said after I said those words. Too many people tried to fix me.

They are also people who are not in program. Or they are people who just don't understand me, and how important is is for me to speak "the truth."

I just hate putting a happy face on something , when I am uncertain about how I feel, or when I am really feeling trauma. But to do this in public places is frankly so energy dissipating, I have to give up full disclosure.

The best thing I can say right now is "I can let go." That will be my mantra, until I begin to believe it. Or the truth changes....

Moving West, Out of Limbo

2012-01-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

Glad to say that my husband's job news arrived today, by overnight mail.

It's felt very funny to me that the boss already knew, weeks ago, exactly where each of the researchers and technicians are going. But everyone had to wait for official letters. That waiting and anticipating had been like pulling hangnails for me, something I am very good at. Just glad this time I did not draw blood.

Several people who are very firmly planted in our Piedmont town, are really suffering over their relocation assignments.

We could be suffering over ours too. My ability to use my program to live one day at a time, and detach from our current home, while enjoying each day, has paid off. But I think my son is suffering, quietly. And I just have to let him feel his emotions and try to help him look for the good when he is ready. All he has ever known is our red clay soils, pine and oak woodlands and our city/county of 200 thousand. He has good friends here, some of whom he has known since he was a baby.

My husband and I are being cautiously optimistic, and very grateful that he is looking forward to the research in the new job, and that the move is a day's drive west of here. We are treating this as an adventure, and will go there as a family to visit over the Spring break. Hopefully that trip help our son "prepare" emotionally and help him find something to look forward to.

We'll be moving to a town less than a tenth the size of our current one, an easy drive from Memphis. The nearest Emotions Anonymous meeting, at least initially, will be an hour away from us. I just called a contact person for that group, and found out ours will be a region where people cannot afford to buy the literature. Meetings are well attended (for EA) but the kitty from each meeting amounts to a dollar or two, all told.

Going to be very interesting to adapt to a new culture. There will be a college in my new hometown which may make our group's buying power a little stronger, but still, I need to be real. Poverty is knocking. New emotional sensitivities are going to be developing for me in this move.

Gifts from the FOO

2012-01-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

There is a Buddhist practice, which has been popularized as being "grateful for everyone." When I first read about it being applied to problem people, I thought of my mom, and I laughed and laughed. It did not matter that I was in a public place reading this.

There is power even in what I receive from a "bad" example. For one, a bad example shows me what not to do. It also show me what I am capable of at MY most dysfunctional.

Allow me to express gratitude for a few of my own "inherited" or "learned" character assets.

For I have many traits, learned from dealing with my family of origin, that are double edged.

I can really persevere on things that others would say are impossible. However in persevering very closely on tough things, I am often guilty of neglecting other day-to-day things that would really nurture me. That's the way it is. I am still grateful for my perseverance. Tell me "It can't be done," and I am likely to at least make a map of how to do it.

Because my parents were not the best at teaching practical tasks (my mom taught me to peel potatoes by giving me a dull paring knife and then telling me how inadequate my work was and chasing me from the kitchen), I taught myself most things. Some things, like tying my shoes, I did so "difficult" as to quite wrong, so I had to relearn them later. That used to frustrate me no end, so that I would inwardly curse my best efforts. I am a lot kinder about re-do's, thanks to learning how to knit a few years back. Today, I am the one in my knitting group who will tear out rows of knitting when necessary, in near-complete serenity. I tell folks the practice teaches me non-attachment!

To my credit, I also use the back-key a lot on the computer. Because I am prone to doing things wrong the first time, I think about doing a thing, several times, before doing. My particular character type--is to fly into action as soon as I get a vision. That way of doing things often must deal with trial and error. So, trial and error has been my teacher, even if there is a good u-tube on something, I don't see it straightaway.

Because my childhood was so fraught with Catch-22's, I unfortunately became very Eeyore-like in my thinking. I would moan inwardly, just like Eeyore, over how awful things were. And they really were at my house growing up. But the Eeyore attitude got to smelling bad after awhile, so I learned to trust my gut and speak up. If I got a slap, I knew I was on the right track! If I had not been willing to pay the consequences, I would be a very timid girl.

Perhaps, as a result of being slapped around, I got humiliation mixed up with humble. I was disdainful about acceptance and was not going to be humiliated into putting up with crap (which is what I thought humility was about). When I left home my first way direct way of coping with negative things, was to get mad and rail at the Catch-22's in my life, thinking that was power. But it was just Eeyore gone amok.

Once I learned to observe where Eeyore was hiding, and was patient, I was able to get that part of me to laugh. Now, when faced with Catch-22's, I am lighter on my feet. I allow myself to think just long enough to come up with the simplest, least painful solution. Then I act!

Perhaps that is a bit like one of those promises coming true: the one about resolving a problem intuitively that would have baffled us?

Happy Birthday to you!

2012-01-17T09:08:00.000-08:00

Today is the day the One has made, and it is a birthday for at least five people I know.

First, there's Benjamin Franklin. Who was born on this day in 1706. Although on his Old Style calendar it would have been January 6, 1705.

Then there is my DH, who was born on this date during WWII in Southern California. Next, our son, born a birthday present (unwrapped) at the turn of the last century. Then, my brother's first child was born five years later. Yes, on the exact same date.

Not long after I began blogging here in 2010, I discovered another person who shares the same date, sojourning in one of my programs, Al-anon. Please go on over to wish Syd a Happy Birthday, too. Tell him Smitty sent you.

And a quote from Paris Hilton for the rest of us. Fits my program walk these days.

"The way I see it, you should live everyday like it's your birthday."

The Power of Gratitude

2012-01-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

I have found at the lowest points in my emotional journey, gratitude creates the steps for me to walk in faith again.

So I will share some of what I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I had the chance to have my own family. We had to stop at number one, and he's about to turn thirteen. On his dad's birthday. Amazing.

I am very grateful that when I had my first breakdown in 1991, that my husband did NOT leave me at my mom's house to stabilize. Oh, it could easily happened. Thankfully, my husband intervened and we saw a psychiatrist the day before my husband was supposed to leave alone... following the travel itinerary I had set up while I was sane. The doctor, who was a complete stranger to us, asked some low-key questions that helped us decide my husband was my best support, not my parents. This was a time when humility served me well. Amen.

I am very grateful that my son made it through my worst of times; he has seen me deconstruct four times since he turned four and so has my husband. They have not given up on me, and no one has sent me home to my parents yet. That used to be my biggest fear, being sent back to the home I escaped at eighteen. Now I realize that my HP will take care of me even if "going home again" is my fate.

I am grateful for our EA program and the Sister program that has taught me about boundaries. Al-anon has particularly taught me to detach with love from my fooey origins and focus on the one life I have.

I am grateful that I have learned the difference between solitary time which restores me, and isolation.

Whenever I hit MY bottoms, the first step just seems so big, that I restart my program tools baby-stepping. I am grateful for the variety of program tools that come to my aid when it SEEMS the steps might just trip me up.

"The struggle ends when the gratitude begins." ~Neale Donald Walsch

The Power of Prayer and Meditation

2012-01-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

This past nine months has been an unprecedented place of uncertainty for our family. I don't dismiss the feelings, but instead of dwelling on my troubles, I meditate on my Higher Power's strength, power and love for me. The peace I have gained by taking a few minutes each day for Acceptance, has been immeasurable. Living in this one day, and not picking up all my problems at once has been a powerful practice. So has choosing to use one program tool at a time. Focus is one of my character limitations.

Prayer and meditation allow me to focus on the solution, not the problem.

There was a time I truly believed talking to God continuously about my problems was a form of both prayer and meditation. Yet, I didn't find the sense of tranquility I sought. It wasn't because I could not tune out distractions; actually, I was too good at tuning out reality.

It helped me today to come across a reading in which a 12-step member found themselves running a stop sign, while being so single-focused on pleading with God, that they did not even hear the siren or see the flashing lights of the police car.

I also read of a person who ruminated so much on his troubles that he "often didn't hear the solutions offered at meetings." He shared his realization: that if he could not get himself to focus on recovery at the meeting, he was not going to have the discipline to practice recovery work at home!

I can ask myself this. When I sit in a meeting and the preamble is happening, where is my mind? Do I have the habit of picking up my problems and thinking about them, instead of preparing myself to receive guidance? If I can put my problems down for a few minutes, I can practice having faith in my HP. I can turn my heart to God, and focus my mind. Let me begin by concentrating on the experience, strength and hope shared at the meeting.

Do I make a daily quiet time just for self-care and for resting in God's good? Let me meditate, just for today. All it takes is a few minutes, wherein I gently focus all my attention on God.

And, when I take my problems to my HP in Step Three, let me practice leaving them with Him.

"Meditation is the life of the soul: Action, the soul of meditation, and honor the reward of action." Francis Quarles

Inspired by HFT, 1/8

Seven things about me

2012-01-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

Seven things about me, thanks to a few of my blogger friends, Lou at Subdural Flow, and Marcia at for the prompt:

I am five-foot-four with eyes of blue. And once had nearly white blonde hair when I was a little girl. Now I am returning to my whiteness.

I was born in Massachusetts, in a suburb of Boston. I have ALWAYS wanted to move back there. Instead I grew up on the west-coast , reaching near-maturity in Washington state and California. Received all my college education there and met my husband in New Orleans in 1986. After we married we moved to San Diego, then to Germany (Braunschweig), when the wall was coming down between East and West Germany.

Coming back to the States, we relocated to New York state. Enroute, I suffered a breakdown, due to worry and lack of sleep. What a life changer that was! It brought me to use the 12-steps as a path to hope.

I am a mom, who had her only child late in life. I had a second breakdown when our son was four, and I am still discerning the puzzle of H.O.W. that one (and successive waves) happened.

It took me a few years to return to 12-step recovery and fellowship. I feel that recommitment helped me reclaim my life one-day-at-a-time from a schizophrenia diagnosis. As I work with my most troubling beliefs I sense that I reduce the likelihood of relapse. I've learned my particular vulnerability is ephemeral and responds best to medical intervention during crisis and weaning from medications (with hope and a commitment to realistic thinking) in between crises.

I swim, walk and do yoga for my mental, physical and spiritual health. I dance or jump on the trampoline when I can't get out of doors. I love nature. While I am not great about taming it by gardening, mowing and landscaping, I admire those that do.

I am a quarter Ukhrainian, a quarter German and a half "How." I can explain that last bit if anyone is interested!

The End in Sight

2012-01-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

Now that our family has sat and waited for months, weathering rumors, paranoia, and Kafka-esque jokes about DH's work, we are now told that we'll be moving out of limbo within days. Next week.

At last: definite, final, triple-checked decisions. In a few days, the staff will each have their 15-minute appointment where they will receive the letter telling them where their new work assignment will be, should they choose to go.

This morning, DH called me to share how everyone drew straws, to find out the order in which they will receive their letters. Some day next week, my man is will be the first to go into the office to meet with the bosses.

DH might get this news on his birthday after all (Good thing I did not place a bet against it)!

Will we be shifted to a location in the next county, somewhere else in the Southeast, or to somewhere where the cost of living is beyond our current means? Don't go there, Smitty.

Now comes the focus on Step Eleven, praying for acceptance...as we face the imminent news of DH's next job placement. Let me continue to see the good in our situation, regardless of the outer realities (economic, interpersonal, political).

Praying for inner peace, while knowing there will be emotional waves. To ride. To ride. Breathe just, breathe.

Limbo Large and Broad... Entering Paradise?

2012-01-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

Our family is not alone in our state of limbo of course. I've shared that all the researchers at my husband's work place await reassigment. That right there helps in handling the enforced uncertainty.

Like in our Programs, together we have Strength.

But each day I have a more poignant touchstone that keeps me honest and helps me not indulge in private pity parties. One of DH's fellow scientists lives nearby and his wife is in a very different limbo. J is accepting a diagnosis of cancer, with great courage. We want her to outlive her dis-ease. We have prayed for this ever since she first discovered her cancer in late summer of 2009, before we had any inkling of our shared work-related fate.

J and her husband are dealing so well with uncertainty that they have a whole community gathering round them, because the way they are living this time is so inspirational to us all. I see how being open about vulnerabilities and having faith is healing for everyone with whom we have contact.

I tell my DH that our little family are on borrowed time, but these friends are in such a more challenging place and bearing it with great dignity and humor. Perhaps that has raised the bar for our family? I know for sure it has made us aware that we can reclaim our faith day to day. It has also made us aware of living at peace with the present moment. It truly is all we've got.

"Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go." Brooks Atkinson

Sitting Here in Limbo

2012-01-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

It has been nine months and counting, since we first heard DH's workplace was on the "block" to be cut from this year's federal budget. Now we look to January 15th for final news, to tell us how he and his colleagues will be used in their next location.

All last summer, we were in denial, hoping it would not be closed. We were powerless to do much speaking up, fearful of making our situation worse politically.

Finally we made peace with the inevitability of it all. We accepted his workplace would close, but have waited an eternity for the official announcement of closing. Really it has been like living in limbo.

DH and his colleagues, the scientists, have plenty to do, but the gates are shut and every non-employee at the gate has to be let in. That's what the beginning of closure means. I guess real closure happens when the last person turns out the light.

All this waiting has me falling in love again with our current home town, wanting to stay. Meanwhile DH has come to realize that being willing to leave will be better for his career. What a Catch-22.

We wonder and wander. We've watched fear come and go among DH's colleagues. I heard more laughter in the "last supper" (the office Christmas party) than ever before. DH found out today that his body has been handling his stress for him. Pain finally got his attention, and he had to go to his dentist to have his jaw looked at. Too much clenching, probably while at work!

There was big stress in November, when a local politician decided that the research equipment at the facility was up for grabs, because it was not "needed." The scientists have not yet been reassigned to their new jobs, but most will be doing research at their new locations and need to know first whether they will be needing the tools in their new location. There will be no money to replace equipment that is taken prematurely.

The timing of the disappearing equipment was bad for morale. So, I just kept saying to my husband, THAT is not right. You need to keep speaking up about it, until that is remedied. He and others did keep speaking and it WAS remedied.

So now we face, with faith, the decision being made for us. DH says we will hear in less than two weeks... So it is countdown time. Countdown until January 15th. I guess I can honor this time, by looking it in the face. That's better than being in denial.

I know I am powerless over my future emotional state. I'm just glad that for now I have given up nail biting.

I can sit on pins and needles, or I can live my life. I choose to live my life.

I also choose to NOT attach to January 15th as the Day to Know. I figure when it comes to government agencies... time is a bit more like soft taffy.... I am looking ahead to Valentines, and if we hear earlier, then I will begin to practice a program of greater action. Fewer words.

"Limbo is basically a metaphor anyways...it's this place where you are neither here nor there.. and so many people live that kind of life." John Sayles

Step One, Powerless Over My Emotions. What Next?

2012-01-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

Step One in EA reads, "We admitted we were powerless over our [emotions,] that our lives had become unmanageable."

Some folks in our Program use this Step in a disciplined fashion, by admitting POME-ness daily.

If I have reluctance in speaking these words, I can ask myself, "Am I diminished when I admit I am powerlessness over my emotions?" If I feel diminished, it might be my thinking that is making me feel like junk. I personally think Step One "admits" me into the human family. Aren't we are all powerless over something at one time or another?

In completing the first Step, what I do NOT admit is as important as what I do admit. "I do not admit I am a failure." Sure, I may FEEL like a failure. But program stresses that "feelings are not facts." H.OW. I think about my emotions can help or hinder me in my recovery. Feelings are very real, and dealing with them is important.

There are other things I refuse to admit when admit my life is unmanageable. "I don't admit that I am a bad person." Yes, it feels bad when my life has become disorderly, attempting to "maintain the delusion of exercising power where I am powerless." Having such delusions is only an error, not a crime! Through my thinking, I have just "temporarily lost control of my life." Taking the First Step simply helps me begin to regain my serenity.

As I move on from Step One, I find Step Two encourages me to rebuild my life using a balanced perspective.

Quotes from January 4th's reading in Hope for Today

Pain, the Tenderest Teacher

2012-01-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am realizing too well the relationship between frustration, anger and pain.

I am powerless over my pain. It too shall pass. Accepting it, not fighting it, seems to be key.

Where do I carry my pain today? In my jaw, the back of my neck and into my upper shoulder. It is all perceptible on my right side because I am severely right handed. Tonight I am thankful that there is one effort that is not strictly done with the right side: typewriting. But still I must leave the screen for I carry the weight of my emotions on my forward slumping shoulders.

My pain is fiery. When I sat in full meditation tonight, for the first time in almost a month, it spoke to me. It said, "I am your anger." Funny, I used to think anger my best power. Now it bows my head, until I understand its message. Be kind. Be kind.

New Year, Resolving to Face My Challenges

2012-01-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

I do not have resolutions, but I have realistic hopes and a plan (program) to make my hopes a reality.

I have my challenges ahead in the new year.

One is that our family will always live with the possibility of my relapse. I disovered that Thanksgiving 2010. Was I ever dismayed to face that reality! So far, so good, because in my face-to-face group I share details pretty freely and stay Honest, Open, Willing to use my last relapse as a yardstick for progress and perspective. Also, because my own form of stinking thinking gets out of control when I lose out on sleep, I need take special care in my sleep hygene.

Thankfully I am getting good sleep and I have learned this past year, using prayer and meditation, to be more self-aware. I am much better at catching my habitual reactions before they spiral out of control. I attribute that to a lot of mini Step-fours and continued work with Steps Five, Six and Seven. Also this year I have learned to make amends to myself. One of these amends is underway--limited contact with my mom is really helping me to be much kinder to myself.

Second challenge is to find new ways to relate to my Inner Child and to care for her, that make it easier for me to communicate with my mom (once she has decided to resume contact with me). I know I have a lot of things to learn about fostering a healthy relationship with myself when someone else needs to use me as a punching bag, mirror, or garbage can. Trick for me is not communicating out of anger, but out of self-compassion. Anger is easy for me to communicate, but fragile people and the personality disordered, take that anger and run with it. The fragile run away, the personality disordered use my feelings of anger as excuse to "charge." I'll be using EA plus other tools to deal with the FOO-eey issues.

Third challenge is that we have been living in limbo since last March, and will continue to live this way until my DH hears final word about job changes. I need to keep things stable for my family while we are anticipating the change and then deal with the news when it comes. Serenity prayer time!

Fourth challenge is to take some moves with my primary vocation that will help me bring in new income with the potential for professional recognition.

So glad to witness others who are also turning over new leaves in their lives and renewing commitments to mental health. Let serenity and self-love be our guiding lights in 2012!

Looking forword to sharing my journey with you.

The Sound of Loneliness

2011-12-31T08:44:00.000-08:00

H.A.L.T. I "understand" hungry, angry, and tired.

But what exactly is the nature of "Loneliness?" And do I resolve it, alone?

For most of my growing up, I waited to be delivered from my loneliness. I dreamed that once I left home, I would find that special someone who would understand my every mood, who would "always be there for me and bring a smile to my face." I'd finally have the love I deserved when that one person came to my rescue!

I thought I had no choice but to wait. And wait.

In my worst of times, what a story line I had for myself. Secretly, I felt cursed, and more than once I had to ask myself, "What I had done wrong?"

When I first encountered Emotions Anonymous in 1991, our program did not have an explicit gratitude practice. (We had the promises, which we are told are the by-product of doing Step Nine). It was from a therapist that my program got its kick start. She made me do a gratitude list. To "look for the good" in each day.

It is when I focused on gratitude that my story of isolation and "terminal specialness" began to crumble. "Gratitude" would not let me stay so stuck on my terrible illness, with its poor prognosis. I could not stay focused on the phone that did not ring. I experienced how gratitude gave my heart something nourishing and that nourishment restored me. I relied less and less on this waiting for someone else to love me into existence. When I thought about how much I had to be grateful for, my fantasy of someone else saving me, showed itself to be a shadow on my soul.

Reality showed me simple and amazing truths. There was nature to uplift me, food to be prepared that was beautiful and colorful. There were others on the recovery path, sharing what they were doing to get well. Our EA group was easy, but respectful, with hugs, kleenex, smiles and conversation. There were my friends from around the country, who sent short but surprisingly insightful letters about recovery. There was a co-worker who shared his spiritual beliefs with me, and there was the excellent writing workshop that brought me back to the power of journaling, where I could learn to be my own best friend.

Slowly I began to become confident in the resilience I naturally possessed. I had been able to "no" to my mother and tell her when it was time to go home, even when I was still in hospital. I was able speak up privately to folks in program about my point of view, when I disagreed with them.

I even came to appreciate this dark time in my life for all it taught me about trusting myself.

If I am stuck in self-pity, waiting for an "Ideal Friend" to love me, what am I denying myself right now? "If I can't recognize the love that already exists in my life, would I really appreciate receiving more?" Might there be enough love around me already, that I am brushing aside waiting to recognize that "one imaginary person?"

What if I am the "Ideal Friend" I have been waiting for?

Let me recognize what has already been given to me-- out loud or in my daily journal. Appreciating the pieces of love already in my life, might give me the chance to nurture the love I need, inside myself.

"Thank you" is a prayer, with countless blessings for this life and the next...

This share is based on the December 5th reading of Courage to Change. Does it bear too strong a fingerprint?

Christmas Surprises

2011-12-26T10:20:00.000-08:00

I shared Christmas Eve, that the little girl inside me was craving something she suspected she might not get?

A few days ago, I was searching frantically for my last set of car keys, in the midst of being Santa. (I'd lost the "good" set earlier this summer.)

When I did not find the keys, my kind husband went to the car dealer next day with our last remaining key (this one can't simply be copied at the hardware store). He paid $99 for a new key, thinking to himself, "Now that I have a new key, I am sure to find V's keys!"

He also decided that day to repair a rickety wooden stepladder. I secretly thought it not worth repairing. But an endearing quality of DH is his desire to "fix" things, so I let him be. Off he went to Lowe's for parts. On the way home, one part got "lost" in the truck. He went searching for that part, squeezed in between the seats. And found the keys I'd lost last summer!

He shared this find with our son. Son decided that this near-new set of keys should be a Christmas surprise, stocking stuffer. The boys re-used a nice gift-box, and slipped my keys securely in the "display slot." They wrapped the box, and kept quiet. A twelve-year-old does that well.

My inner child was praying for something special at Christmas.

Was that little girl ever pleased to receive not only a complete surprise, but a special miracle story as well. A story that I am going to tell in full detail to a few more friends. THIS is exactly the kind of present I love!

There is also something very special about the smell of balsam fir on Christmas day. A day gray and replete with needed rains. Full of quiet reflection and mellow cups of coffee.

I forgot to mention that our car also asked for a surprise this Christmas. A new manifold. I guess the blessing was that, because of the missing key, we DISCOVERED the cracked manifold and can replace it, so as not to have a another surprise on an anticipated road trip.

Yes, there is a little sum of money between us and resolving the problem... That will wait...

Christmas, When All Through the House

2011-12-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

At our home, we consider ourselves to be done with Christmas preparations.

We kept our gift shopping low-key this year. Might be a good thing as it turns out our 1999 auto has decided it too needs a holiday gift! A big one. In the form of a new manifold. We'll wait until after Christmas on that one.

The joy of communication is big for us this time of year. We've have friends from the different places we've lived, that we like to stay in touch with. I let most of them know about DH's job changes, this fall, when I could enjoy in-depth communications. That allowed me to write a winter poem instead and for DH and I to write quirky (short) notes as we've felt moved. The last package was sent yesterday, and sugar and maple cookies were baked before bed last night.

A few communications will wait until New Year's. Some I want to savor. I could do without fooey-ness from the FOO. (Family of origin.) I'm "holding" the usual package to my parents until New Year's. My snarky mom is not answering phone calls from the outside world. We may not talk after all; could that be a blessing?

You might say we started our decorating late. Our tree arrived two days ago. But this is a little early when you consider my German mom's tradition is to "bring in the sheaves," on Christmas eve. Our Fraser Fir got decked yesterday, when a friend of ours came by for coffee and stayed to put up our lights and at least half of our eclectic ornaments. Outside, DH seized the sunny day to put up the kitschy wreaths on the windows.

Is there an effective shopping gene anywhere in our family of three? One of us admently does NOT shop on sale. DH told me last night that his part of Santa had used up all the wrapping paper. Huh? Of course,later on when I was allowed in the "shop;" it turned out there was plenty of wrapping paper left! But I had sent DH off to Michael's where he paid top dollar for wrapping paper. Now we WILL have plenty to take with us to our new home, should we move. ;)

This morning, DH and I could not help ourselves and saved a wee bit of last minute shopping, just for the fun of it. Alas, grocery list was incomplete. Oh well. We will not worry about the missing ingredients for Christmas dinner.

Just as the sun set, we had a lovely dinner of peanut soup with homemade bread. Full-bellied, we dashed off to a traditional Christmas candlelight service. All that remains now a few stockings to fill, and the messy house (I seem to have lost my motivation to deal with that).

Just focusing on me, it is going to be enough of a challenge to refrain from expectations tomorrow, Christmas. The little girl inside me seems to crave something that is missing from my life, despite all the forgiveness I've practiced this month! Somewhere deep in the cerebellum those unmet expectations of childhood await.

One day, we might take a hiatus from Christmas, other than visiting with good friends, and that little girl will let go. For now, let me continue to enjoy this one day, accept the mess in my house and those last niggling things on my list that might be best left undone.

Meditating... on What It Means to Meditate....

2011-12-23T16:58:00.000-08:00

Meditation. What is in it for me?

Science tells me that by using some form of meditation each day, I can change my brain structure. Wow. Let 's get started now, then.

What is meditation? In program we each get to answer that in our own way.

It helps me to remember that every action can serve a spiritual purpose, when I designate it as so for me.

Our Serenity Prayer is an easy place for me to start. Between meetings I can use it. I can take myself to a quiet place, close my eyes, and repeat each words of the Serenity prayer to myself in a gentle voice. Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.

Because I am a thought-oriented person, I need to get beyond my thoughts. I see if I can make time each day to practice putting my thoughts aside. To do this, I take a few minutes to concentrate on my breathing, counting from one to ten over and over as I breathe in and out.

At this time of year I like to make sure I connect with nature, in some small way. I might focus on a landscape stripped bare of vegetation. Or the big sky above our backyard, now that we have removed more dead pines. At night, I might focus on a candle flame or the rain or snow falling outside. When my thoughts stray from my visual focus, I accept that my mind is just doing its job--thinking---and then gently return to my subject.

When I am really agitated that too can be a time to practice meditation. Using H.A.L.T. --Hungry, Agitated, Lonely, Tired-- invites me to be still and meditate. When I halt, I might simply watch my thoughts, and detach from their story, as if I were watching someone else's play.

Sometimes in my meditation, something comes to mind that I find myself powerfully grateful for. I find myself grateful for inner peace in my life, even as I have challenges with my borderline disordered mom and our potential move.

What about you. How do you motivate your meditation practice? How has your practice benefitted you?

Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice, in this one day

2011-12-20T14:19:00.000-08:00

I am glad this is a one-day-at-a-time program.

One thing I remind myself of is this: No matter how bad the day is, there is always something good in it. I am permitted, even encouraged to let myself accept and embrace that good.

I appreciate any reminders I can get, and am open to them. They reveal themselves when someone smiles at me for no reason. When someone lets me get in front of them in traffic, or when I do the same for someone else; when I see a title on a book that catches my eye; when I hear a piece of music that moves me; when I overhear my son humming; when he tells me a joke when I am mad (and need Humor Power!).

And when I see the quote above the deep pool at my local YMCA, which I will paraphase:

Today is the day the Beloved has given me to live, let me rejoice and be glad in this one day.

These words are a special special challenge to me to put away my old ways of thinking and find happiness in TODAY. These words do not say anything about deserving joy, they do not say that I can feel joy only if others are not suffering. Perhaps instead, I can feel compassion for others, and better serve to lighten their load if I allow myself to rejoice in what is good in the world we share together.

Not Lemonade!

2011-12-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

I have greatly missed "Rhymes With Orange" as we no longer receive our state's major metro newspaper.

So I went looking for Hilary Price just now. I am such a big proponent of the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" And so I could not resist sharing this bit of Humor Power.

I do not need surgical melons, but could sure do with a honey dew or a musky cantelope..
Thanks Hilary!

The Steps beginning to Round

2011-12-18T06:07:00.000-08:00

But did I really jump 10 steps ahead only to "fall back down" to Step One? Not if I see the Steps on a clock face with 12 at the top, and 11 at an eleven o-'clock position.

And myself at the Center.

With this image in mind, I can make sense of my having to move to Step Eleven in order for introspection, then forward to Step Twelve to "apply" a program principle to my current affairs. When I needed to reclaim humility and admit where I was still powerless, Step One was easily reachable. In a meeting I might find myself readying to "take" Step Two, because belief in a Higher Power looks really easy when I see recovery in other program participants' victories. But then I might naturally move back to the Center of my circle, to reconsider. And step back into to Step Eleven for integration, introspection and continued prayer.

I suspect that my recovery had me moving back and forth on this arc, between 11 and 2 until it felt more easeful, and I became ready to move on.

As I "made up" my own particular dance, I found myself on a moving wheel, beginning to move naturally through the Steps. With a bit more practice, I gained enough experience to strengthen my belief (in Step Two) AND become willing (in Step Three) to turn my life over more and more to my HP.

With the active faith in a Higher Power, I would find the courage necessary for Step Four.

My Program Walk, Out of Order

2011-12-17T11:39:00.000-08:00

Is the point in numbering our twelve steps, simply take it one at a time?

In our rooms, I often hear folks say, the Steps are in order for a reason. Yet I've found my gut balking. Once I finally allowed myself to investigate, it came to me that if the Steps are suggested, even their order can be "tweaked." Right?

A common saying, "two steps forward, one step back," might support that. For when we leap, we must self-correct. To end up where we needed to be after all--one step forward.

But to be honest, I did the Steps much more "out of order", to make them work for me.

How badly out of order? I don't think I forced any step or did an apology before I was ready. No, I just did Step Eleven long before I did any other action Step in the program!

Using the Twelve Step Plus approach (including therapy) I started rebuilding my faith in my Higher Power by doing a gratitude practice each day for three months. At my therapist's advice. I later came to realize gratitude is a potent form of prayer or Step Eleven. In hindsight I see that practicing gratitude helped me to look for, and find, the good in my life, and reconnect with my Higher Power.

Without Step Eleven, very early in my recovery, I could not have had the faith in Love that I needed in order to turn my will and life over to Its care. Today that makes sense to me, but only after a lot of introspection.

I've seen it happen that way for others too. Some newcomers use the Steps ONLY as a guide, and decide from careful reflection, where they most need to begin their work.

Some conclude that where they start is not so important, if after all, they'll come back to these steps again and again in the work of rebuilding their lives.

That has made me wonder if it might help to see our Steps as more of a circle dance. In this way, we each might be at the Center of a circle, using a given step when we need it, to move through our own "cycle" of recovery.

Boundaries, Cross Talk, and Hindsight

2011-12-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

I was thinking back to meetings I have been a part of, and how sometimes my efforts to be inclusive and make others feel at home, backfire.

In one rural meeting, with just a handful of us in the room, I wanted to demystify the Higher Power for a newbie.

As I shared, I talked about the down-to-earthness of my understanding of my HP, I joked about how some of my program friends believed in a parking God. (Heck, sometimes I do. Like, I find myself saying, "Thank you God for just this amazing parking spot!" when they are really hard to come by in our current busy downtown.)

I was sharing that my Higher Power is that small still voice (meaning intuition) , and that my HP rarely talks to me in a voice I can HEAR. I was thinking that hearing voices, for me, would be a disease symptom.

In the middle of my share, a person at our table piped up and said, "I feel sorry for you!"

I was the leader that day. I find it nearly impossible to correct cross talk when it is my turn to share, except by just plowing right over the breach.

I do not appreciating being pitied, so I continued on,

"...For me, that would be hearing voices, and my HP never wants to freak me out!"

I never followed up with her privately. Today I would. Given that person's rudeness, I would say "Perhaps you were unaware that you spoke in the middle of my sharing? Someone else with less experience might have been silenced by your interruption. Please be more considerate of the group and the person sharing."

That, today, seems very appropriate, especially in light of my recent friend fart.

"Your vision will become clear, only when you can look into your own heart." Carl Jung

Amen, Antidote to Anxiety

2011-12-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

Today, the last wave of disturbance is rippling on the waters, heading back out to sea. Timbre helped me to honor the ending of my inner storm.

I would say, the Amen has occurred. Now I am left with quieter reflections from the friend fart of this past Sunday.

The truth is just more defined today.

Simply put, it was hard to have someone hone in on an area where I've already held ambivalence for a while. She was using her "love" and "care" to push her way more into my life, our family decisions. All this pushing, had me questioning my judgment. While I was very aware of my objections, I was not prepared emotionally to push her away. I need not torture myself with shame, about that.

The particulars of my story begin to seem less and less important. Amen. Yet, I know in my heart of hearts this could occur all over again. My mom also has a hard time holding her tongue. Inventorying my own habits, has me admitting that I reflexively defer to people who dare to get in my business, because of my desire to act in beauty and love.

Yes, I literally felt like I was being bull-dozed by my forward friend.

The fact that my friend is taller, more big-boned, and active on her environment than I am. She is also more carefully made up than I. (I show up au-natural, with uncolored hair and no make-up). Some folks perceive lack of deliberate elegance as low self-esteem. Ah, but that is an inside job. She did not do the most harmful questioning, or the self-esteem bash, I did.

The angry feelings came in to protect me, but I did not give them voice. For fear of ugliness, I did not give myself permission to set a boundary, until all her words had been said. And said again. And again.

As I laugh ruefully at the whole escapade, I feel one last bit of shame: I allowed my friend to be a buffoon. That was NOT my desire when I invited her to the concert! Had I spoken up it might have helped both of us avoid becoming a farcical story.

While I am powerless over other people, I have the power to determine my own boundaries. I am better at this in my own family of three, where we practice more Northern ways. Being as we live in the South now, the bar is very high, to set boundaries with class! Alas, I was not allowed to set boundaries openly in my Family of Origin, at all. So, I need a wee bit more practice to get to the point of setting "gentile" boundaries!

A program friend of mine, told me that really pushy people are often acting out of fearful thoughts. I was trying too hard to be loving in my behavior, but was like a deer in the headlights. Perhaps part of it was that I felt powerless to help my friend detach from her own anxiety about our situation.

I might be able to work on that, by exploring my own anxiety. In fact, I believe that is possible. Amen.

Broken Boundaries? To Tell a Friend

2011-12-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

Recently, I invited a friend to bring her family to listen to a concert. Our son was in an intimate venue with other students, at his teachers house.

I was not prepared for my friend to judge the caliber of my son's teacher at the end. The expression on her face said it all. Then she collected herself and said, "Have you heard of Thomas (another teacher, who is on her side of town)?" She'd hatched, on the spot, a plan to bring my son to a "better" teacher, a male, who would be a great fit for our son!

Yes, I'd heard of Thomas before.

I stayed open and listened. With each sentence my friend uttered I so wanted to use my defenses. Etiquette kept me civil. I stayed thoughtful and the farther we went the more surprised I got! It took some time to articulate part of the problem--my friend had found our piano teacher inadequate, and was saying so in the teacher's house! It was not until the end that I decided to take my friend out on the porch to tell her how uncomfortable that made me feel. I chose to not state the obvious: I am the parent and did not ask for her advice.

In hindsight, I recognized that I was feeling alarms in my gut, that told me I would not be helped by her words, as soon as I saw her face, and watched her preparing to speak. Why do I allow folks to say what they need to say, and not stop them so I can articulate my own boundaries, first? Maybe because I don' t necessarily like my defenses, not in a public setting. Maybe because I am just plain curious.

All along the merry path she tried to forge with her words, I was ready to burst. I'd wanted to smart back and say, "You think I have not thought about working with another teacher?" I felt bad because I'd been trying to get my husband on board with this same plan, to find a different teacher.... It was like she was getting right into our family underpants. Like I was not doing enough for our son. Some folks have radar for that.

I wish I had played teacher, or the older wiser sage parent that I am. (smile) I'd have said immediately. "You noticed that there is a range of skills this early in the year." I'd have used my intuition and my empathy to take care of myself and my son's teacher, said, "It's natural to want to compare the kids. Yet they are incomparible and you have no idea how hard this teacher works with them. Let us go meet and talk with her."

Had she still continued with her aside comment, "Have you heard of Thomas? I can get your son together with him." I'd might have said, "If that is a serious issue for you, let us discuss it later." Or more boldly, "I'd like you to let me bring that up, when it is more appropriate. Not in his teacher's home."

But by letting her be, I got to see just how far she would go.

Only yesterday, I discovered my friend went up to my husband, to present the same idea. Hubby, bless his heart, took it a lot less seriously. He told her that was up to our son. Thinking she would get the message, to let it go.

But, she took the next logical step! When she saw my son again, she asked him (he was lounging bored in a chair), wouldn't he like to try out a new teacher ( right in the same room as our teacher, who thankfully was deep in conversation.). I was there and my natural snarkiness came out then. I looked at our son, and said drily, "He doesn't look very interested, does he?" All the words that wanted to come out of me before that moment had been on hold because I did not want to be rude!!!

I had to laugh when hubby told me about his part in our drama. That is when I realized that my friend had heard DH say to her. "Ask our son." The logic of persistence. If I had only been able to laugh, then. Instead, the whole situation left me anxious and ashamed. Two attitudes I did not need that night.

I analyze and re-analyze when my self-esteem takes a hit. I got myself in such a tizzy, I even wished I had been completely honest and set a boundary for the future.

( I like to think I can prevent future problems, by educating and speaking my mind, using every inch of my 5 foot 4 and eyes of blue to take charge!)
I imagined myself confronting her, saying, "It feels to me like you are assuming my parental duties."

Ah but let go, Smitty, my HP would say. You've struggled long enough with using your brain on this one.

Now I have to vent, so my HP (and you all) can know my truth. I can't stand it when I sense people try to fix me (or my family): as if I don't have the wherewithal to do our life right! F is not a musical professional , she was intimating she would be a go-between with this new teacher. She may have been acting out of concern, but she "forgot" about some important concerns our family has right now about moving. I am not exactly comfortable switching teachers mid year, as we could be moving as early as May of 2012. It is not fair to take press our son towards a more lofty goal, I don't think, and leave two teachers in the lurch. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she does not "get" the etiquette of the music community.

And perhaps there is something for me to learn from this interaction, that involves me taking less responsibility for others behavior and more for my own. Hmmm..

To tell a friend, or not?

The Thin Skin of Perception

2011-12-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

I share from a reading that touched me recently, in this time of deepening darkness and season of God's light. As Hanukah and Christmas approach.

We know that we are connected to all other life forms on the planet, yet we are distinct beings who can disregard the suffering of the torture victim, the slaughtered animal, or the starving child.

[While] other people's suffering is painful to us; we have skins that separate us from their pain. The thickness of our skins can be good sometimes, for it lets us be whole and safe in a world where many of us are not. But if our skin is too thick, we become callous. We shut out reality and pretend--successfully sometimes--that everyone is as well off as we are.

Given these complications, it is difficult to respond to the suffering of others in a balanced way. We can lighten another's suffering. We can begin just by listening.

We can also find ways to impact the welfare of others. We have choices in our "feelingness."

Let me be a feeling person, one who can feel compassion.

The Serenity Prayer can show how: With serenity, with courage and with wisdom.

December 4th, The Promise of a New Day

Where From Comes the Love that Sustains Me?

2011-12-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

I came across something in a religious reading, dated for today that was a beautiful echo of a conversation with a dear Program friend:

A friend described his grandmother as one of the greatest influences of his life. Throughout his adult years, he has kept her portrait next to his desk to remind himself of her unconditional love. 'I really do believe," he said, "that she helped me learn to love."

Not everyone gets the chance for this exact experience of human love, but we can experience a Higher Power's love even if we did not get our fill of love from our families.

I think we eventually find that we are able to find and to love our Higher Power, because our Higher Power has loved us. I like to think my HP is just waiting in the wings while I "check things out." Waiting until I look around and recognize a Higher Power has been there all the time.

The reading went on to use another metaphor for Spiritual sustenance, water.

It said to me that my HP's love for me is not a slowly dripping faucet. Nor is this love a well that I must dig myself. (While all along, I thought I had to work hard for a Higher Power to be able to do their work with me!)

Spiritual strength is a rushing stream that flows from God's heart into ours. We can know this, regardless of our early history, whether we were well-loved in our family of origin or not.

We can draw from the mighty stream of our HP's inexhaustible Source and know He or She cares for us, loves us unconditionally. We can pass on that love to others without being depleted too!

I see that is exactly why we can give the new-found love away (once we have quenched our thirst) and there is more, much more to come...

Cast thy burdens upon the [One,] and He shall sustain you.... F. Mendelsohn

Thinking, the Good Kind

2011-12-03T14:44:00.000-08:00

Not diseased, not distorted. Clear, honest, open. Constructive.

I often hear the sentence in these rooms, "my best thinking got me here." I always find my head nod at that. Even though, down deep, I see it this way-- it's my "old" thinking that got me here.

Sometimes it will seem I am being told to NOT think. But that is my black-and-white thinking kicking in. For Program only teaches us not to think, so much.

And on the positive, it has taught me there are lot more choices in healthy thinking and simple awareness, than I used to have.

Thank HP for my being re-directed some twenty odd autumns ago, from a closed meeting in AA in a particular German town. The good folks sent me down the road a week, across town, to a particular small meeting where I could begin to learn to speak my emotions, in German.

(Emotions Anonymous has many many EA meetings in most larger German towns. An interesting contrast to life in these United States.)

Step Eleven, Gratitude for Memories

2011-12-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

A most important step. Eleven.

Deepening my program comprehension, I see how important it has been for me to use Step Eleven in building an understanding of my Higher Power, and for fostering the faith needed to continue in taking the Steps to recovery.

Gratitude is an amazingly powerful tool, and it fits my understanding of prayer. Even more lovely is when it is heartfelt, but it need not start there (especially if my heart is in hibernation and my Inner Critic is running the show).

Today I have a surprise gratitude! My hub just called to let me know it was the twenty-fifth anniversary of our meeting at a professional conference, held in New Orleans that year.

My Triune gratitude? I am grateful for the reminder, grateful one of us remembered, and grateful that the milestone is one to be excited about!

Best to all, Smitty

Dollars and Sense, In EA

2011-12-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

The SENSE of the organization, EA International, is to do the work of publishing and creating (as needed) and distributing (with our local dollars) literature to support our needs and changing understandings of mental health.

Why new literature and pamphlets? Because, while the principles of recovery remain the same, as we continue sharing and applying the program to our particular situations, our collective understanding deepens. Trusted servants revise our literature and create new publications (even calendars for 2012 like I saw in our latest newsletter) using our personal stories (with permission). In this way, we get to "keep" ideas that work and modern stories that capture personal knowledge that would otherwise get "lost" in the telling.

Our stories are given for free, but what kind of SENSE they make, when put into print for others to learn from.

I find it amazing that there is so much "sense" at EA International that helps our "cents" to work pretty darn hard. As a friend of mine put it, when she is given a penny it gets spent and returned and spent and returned, doing the work of five pennies. I would surmise that in EA, each dollar is spent pretty darned efficiently. I know it is spent transparently, with accountability. Now THAT is what I call the kind of SENSE that is keeping the core of EA alive.

My humble opinion. I do not represent EA International, even if I occasionally lapse into "we" language.

Smittys Take on the First Step...to Emotional "Sobriety"

2011-11-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

I've been working on a checklist, for completing Step One in the Emotions Anonymous program.

Points to Consider

In working Step One you:

1. Admit your usual ways of handling your emotions (habitual defense mechanisms) have caused significant problems in your life.

2. Admit you are (at least temporarily) powerless to stop using these old defense mechanisms. You learn see how each time you react (involuntarily use habitual defenses), your lose yourself or, your emotions flare more out of control.

3. Admit that your old defense mechanisms contributed to unmanageabilty in your day-to-day life.

4. Admit you are powerless to manage your life if you continue to use these automatic ways of thinking and acting. You begin to recognize a few of these self-defeating habits.

Does it make sense? Do you see this as being of general value? Worth continuing the exploration? Especially if EA is totally new to you, I would value your input.

Speaking of Dollars (and Gratitude)

2011-11-28T05:24:00.000-08:00

Now is the month in which I am very grateful for my mental/emotional health. Thanksgiving was another milestone, for me.

Emotions Anonymous supported me (and is there as a resource for all of us when we need it) on my road back to emotional wellness. Consider supporting it with your contribution this month. A special opportunity to double your dollar ends November 30, 2011

Emotions Anonymous International has been blessed by an anonymous donor, who has pledged to match individual donations of up to $500 per person, if you post your letter by this Wednesday. (Be sure to note this intent on your check.)

Gratitude Month is a special time to express appreciation for what EA membership has brought to your life. Some folks choose to give a specific amount for each year they have been in the program, others just give a special gift for all the things they have come to appreciate through EA. If you usually give at the end of the year and use it for a tax donation—how about doing it now while EA is still able to get that amount matched?

I am getting this out to you in the "nick" of time--- shows there is no time like the present!

I'm not going to let November slip away without making my donation. How about you?

Emotions Anonymous International
PO Box 4245
St. Paul, Minnesota 55104-0245

Phone 651- 647-9712

Breathing in gratitude, breathing out generosity…

The Turkey Beats the Clock

2011-11-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is looking good so far, if I can accept that the turkey's done a whole hour ahead of time!

"I realize that special celebrations like this were always hard while I was growing up in my dysfunctional family. The atmosphere often seemed unhappy because my mom would get very angry before the holidays." Was it because there were so many expectations that we could never meet them? If so, no wonder the days were so painful. Holidays, I think, must still be hard for my mom, even now that I am grown. "The difference is I don't live at home anymore, and now I am a member of a 12 Step fellowship."

I knew, in the midst of the confusion of our holidays each fall and winter of my youth that there had to be a funner, more satisfying way to spend the time! I continue to learn to act on that knowledge. Program teaches me that I have choices. I can let go of what is not in my control, and master the aspects of life that are in my control.

Each year I make the decision to celebrate the season in a slightly new way. Some years I make food to share with others, some years I just find time to spend peacefully with myself and my family. One member of our fellowship has a new tradition of not sending cards at all. I give myself permission to send cards, one at a time, throughout the fall, beginning with Halloween (fun cards), Thanksgivnig (gratitude cards) and ending in January (new year's wishes)..

When I had a relapse last holiday, I sent my cards at Easter.

One day I would like to begin a new tradition, of celebrating with "friends and spiritual family in recovery." That might make things extra special, too.

For me it has been some 26 years since I dared to spend a holiday with the FOO! I am so grateful to have taken a different course today, to find simple and honest ways to enjoy the holidays. "My friends in the program help me heal my childhood by creating happy memories today."For those of you that spend holiday time with blood relatives today, I trust you "can accept the challenge of that choice."

As a child, I knew that God had not made me so that I would be ever sad. But it took work to reclaim my birthright, of joy. May today be good for all of us, however we choose to celebrate.

from HFT, 11/22

Does it make dollars and sense?

2011-11-23T12:28:00.000-08:00

This 12th and final thinking is what I call the "dollars and sense" question. It can also be called "bottom-line thinking." But using the term "dollars and sense" reminds me that sometimes my choices involve (money) "dollar" considerations while other times choices mean making "sense" in terms of how I spend energy and time.

Alanon has a longer history and may not be struggling financially in these troubled times. But frequently I wonder why we don't have the "dollars" in Emotions Anonymous that we might like, so that we would grow and find our word spreading and reaching more people who need us!

Thankfully, 12-step organizations are not just about dollars. In program we understand that only by giving away what we have received do we get to keep it. The not-so-common sense of the recovery process is spiritual; we grow by giving our richness away.

I think our way of using money follows the same principles. I will speak for our EA groups, and local communities. We demonstrate "dollars and sense thinking" by taking whatever is not necessary to our local operations and circulating back to our parent organizations. When we receive donations, we don't hoard it or stockpile it for a rainy day. We maintain faith by only keep enough on hand to pay rent and re-invest in our literature and brochures, and occasionally in information outreach. The rest we give away. That means a good bit of our collection plate income is shared with our Intergroup, and EA International. "Giving back" in this way helps us to "support our own support systems."

The Promise of "Intuitive" Thinking

2011-11-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

Because my "best" thinking got me here, I am eager to consider "new" ways of thinking instead.

As I come to a close of this study, I find myself really wanting to explore intuitive thinking. I so much want to get this "right", but will have to settle for good enough.

I was communicating with a program friend about intuition. He shared that he rarely uses the word. Yet, he would admit this is an aspect of his relationship with a Higher Power. He prays in order to make contact with his HP's will. The slight sense of anxiety/excitement he receives, and usually guides him "correctly, " might be intuition.

Others have told me over the years that they ignore their "small still voice" at peril. Me too--every time I have not followed a hunch… it has gotten me off track. This happened three times in the last week, all related to things my seventh grader told me (about necessary details that would get us to his orchestra rehearsal, whether he needed to pack a lunch for the big out of town recital, and last night.. that he did not need to attend a big school event. In all three cases, I had this "feeling" that the information I was being given was not quite enough. I was correct. In this case, I needed to practice trusting my son, but I think that his being a seventh grader is muddying our water a bit. The small still voice is confused!)

There is a very valid question that some bring up: that intuition is not thinking. (Also some folks in my past thought of intuition as a woman's approach to NOT thinking. Fortunately, my family of origin valued intuition. Maybe that is why I learned to listen to mine, despite the fact that I frequently got bludgeoned by my mom's so-called intuition. )

When I was a practicing scientist in a multi-disciplinary field, folks were talking about a thing called "expert systems." A boss-man loved thinking about his way of making decisions as being an expert system. It sounded like a well-informed intuition at work to me, and as we talked about how he was thinking, we came to agree. Intuition is an informed way of thinking that is not linear. It is something that we can support with data, only in hindsight. But it works. It seems miraculous. Perhaps it is.

I think that intuition is also a form of self-trust; as I learn to trust myself and my decisions, I learn to use all of my mind (which to me includes heart and brain and gut). I don't find intuition to be blind or reckless, but a deeply informed process.

The clearest reference to intuition is EA, is Promise #10. "We know intuitively how to handle situations that used to baffle us." I have always loved the spirit of this promise, and in fact, it was reading this promise that made me feel at home in our rooms. To me, the promise is that I continue to learn about my true nature and to approach my life in a whole new way, as a result of the changed thinking this program has built inside of me.

I wonder if anyone else has found intuition essential to their program? Or was it an understanding that came once healing had taken place?

A Bit of the Simple

2011-11-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

I've been attempting to prepare for a holidays season with NO expectations, and that got me thinking about our acronym, KISS. I never did like the usual end note to that Slogan.

And so, I've done a "simple" exercise, in hopes of bringing a smile to a season that can be challenging for many...

I start in easy....

Keep It Simple So… (you can keep it)

Keep is Simple, Surely

Keep it Sweet and Simple

then silly...

Keep it Simple, Silly

Keep it Simple Sally

Keep it Simple Susie

Keep it Simple Sarah

Keep it Simple Sandy

Keep it Simple Sam

and then get in the spirit...

Keep it Simple Santa

Keep it Simple Says ME! (KISS ME) ... ho ho ho..

The "Keep it Simple Season" is here! Do-be-do-be-doo-bee--- DOO!

Question Popular Thinking

2011-11-14T05:05:00.000-08:00

It is important for me to remember that the 12-step approach was developed by a small group of concerned people who were seriously questioning the Popular Thinking of their time.

Every era has its own inability to see beyond the safe harbors it has created for its society and members to flourish.

I have this KOOKY idea that our Twelve Step institutions might also need to be Open, Honest and Willing, just as we as individuals are instructed to be. This is why I really listen to newcomers, to hear their concerns about program literature and their questions about how our meetings are conducted. Especially important to me is to not write-off the objections of the younger attendees. Of course, I cannot (and won't, single-handedly) change the program. But I do listen to concerns and I invited doubting Thomases (I am one myself), to call on me if they have questions. I've learned that it is OK to not know the answers. I try to help folks learn to trust that by asking, THEY will find answers. When their criticism addresses something I know is essential to the function of our fellowship, I may have to say, "Sorry, this is just the way it is done. Give us six tries and see if your questions and concerns don't get addressed. We need your honesty, open-heartedness, and willingness."

I have been very happy to see that in EA our leaders listened to those who questioned the wisdom of the term, "character defects," and addressed this in revising the workbook on Step Four that we use in our program.

In my own recovery, I use the following guidelines, to give myself growing room and make sure I do not hold others back in seeking new solutions that uniquely fit their program walk:

1. Think Before I Follow

2. Appreciate Approaches Different than My Own

3. Question My Own Thinking

4. Try New Approaches and New Things

5. Accept the Ongoing Nature of Recovery: Change is Uncomfortable.

I also strongly encourage my Sponsees to question and annotate their EA literature, to tailor it to their personal use.

The Paradox of "Shared" thinking: Claiming My Own Truth

2011-11-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

"Shared" thinking is something that strengthens our power of one, and enables us to feel part of something bigger and to come up with more solutions than just our own. I think "shared thinking" is a well-established tool in our program. I believe that I am a part of such thinking, when I share my recovery story and program work, and when I respond to the daily readings in our Program.

Each of us is part of this thinking every time we speak and write to share our experience, strength and hope. It is a program paradox, that I speak most universally when I stick to sharing in the first person, I. The more specific I am in my story, the easier it is for someone to "take what they like and leave the rest." In program most of us are careful not to use pronouns that disable our sharing or make our statements too intrusive. Imagine if I said something like, "We all are damaged goods." You might not think you are damaged goods at all, and might feel I had co-opted your truth. As for the use of "you" (which I did just now), more than occasional use of "you" language, can lead to judgment. For example, "I don' t know why you do that to yourself!" "You" language can easily lead to advice or even "shoulding" on others.

Rarely, it is appropriate to speak using we or you, but there is a very fine line there. I think I might be walking that line right now! When I use "we" I might be generalizing, and when I use "you" I might be projecting my own issues onto someone else. What I have to say using any voice but my own, might not be true. Whereas what I say about me, is verifiable by me.

The Program literature uses the pronoun "we," and occasionally, "you." I sense this works only because the published material has been deliberately created from "Shared thinking. " People in Program got together to find out what they all could agree on to provide a foundation for our work together. The Steps and Traditions all use the "We" pronoun, because we also do this work best together realizing this path is a shared path. "You" is sometimes used in literature, but in personal shares each of us does our best not to instruct or give advice.

Program is a Path of shared thinking. It invites me to use my unique story along with everyone else's, to create a living literature. This free-form living literature allows each person to discover that they are not alone. It also allows me to have my own opinion on my life and on how our literature works for me.

I think group consensus used in our face-to-face and other committed groups also is an example of shared thinking. Shared thinking allows greater maturity, innovation, and it values the ideas of others. Consensus technically means that the group "votes," but that the vote is only ratified if everyone in that group consents to follow the decision of the majority. If all cannot consent then the vote is considered to be provisionary and the group waits until such time as there is complete readiness, unity of purpose, and direction.

All expressed is my humble opinion and out-loud thinking. Open to others' perspectives.

Together we are strong. ~Anonymous

Best-Kept Secret: Program Sets Foundation for Unselfish Thinking

2011-11-12T07:53:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, ours is often called a "Selfish Program." Still I see a number of ways I am encouraged to practice Unselfish Thinking in my EA program.

Our Just for Today #5 is especially powerful" "... I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anyone knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least one thing I don't want to do, and I will perform some small act of love for my neighbor." This is giving without expectation and it is freeing for both giver and receiver.

Just for today #6, has a similar piece of generous thinking, "....I will try to go out of my way to be kind to someone I meet..."

Step Twelve too, where I give my own story--its struggles, its joys, its hope--- freely to all who will listen.

For me, it is important that I respond as fully as possible, when someone reaches out to me for a Program phone call, or in response to my sharing here. Yes it is important to "take time" (Just For Today #8) when someone reaches out for guidance or support during a tough time. Making time for others is very important to my program, even if "all" I do is empathize with another's emotional state. When I share, I try not to contribute to an emotional soup, but to clarity.

By reaching out a helping hand, I put into action the Slogan, You are not alone. Or if I share a snip of story from my life with someone privately, I might be demonstrating that This Too Shall Pass. Or convey I (and they) Have a Choice.

I also remind myself of a famous AA saying, which I paraphrase here: "Be careful how you treat the newcomer, they may just be your next Sponsor."

For, what I give away does indeed come back to me! That is hope and that is also accountability. In my book, generosity is just plain good and healthy practice. (Now here is the Selfish part: I must first have recovery in my emotional bank-account in order to give in a healthy way. )

Are there best kept secrets of generosity that you practice in your own program walk?

Let Reflective Thinking Drive Action

2011-11-11T05:24:00.000-08:00

What Slogans are helpful in exploring Reflective Thinking? Keep it Simple? Look for the Good?

I read recently that most folks would rather act than think! My primary Program, EA, also suggests that action comes first.

As for me, to do those first three Steps in program I must take time to understand my life is unmanageable. Period. I must take time for five minutes of Reflective (careful) Thinking (discernment), before I can take action to save my life.

Awareness, Acceptance, then Action.

Reflective Thinking helps me to clarify details in the Bigger Picture, and understand HOW the disparate parts of program fit together to facilitate healing. Reflective thinking allows for discernment. Choices.

To me, Reflective Thinking is embodied in the meditation and prayer of Step Eleven.

The steps are in a recommended order, but sometimes, it is helpful to adapt and use them a wee bit earlier in our program walk. I could not wait until I had done Step Ten, to begin allowing Step Eleven to work in my life. I've learned from comparing notes with others over the years, I am not alone in my discovery that the practices of this Step, are needed to make sense of the first three steps. For me, a gratitude practice (and active meditation) eased me into the Reflective Thinking that helped me "get" the Gestalt of the program.

When I take time to meditate I am better able to discern my most effective thinking approach. Such Reflective Thinking allows me to act and to solve problems in a more peaceful way, with my HP's help.

More than any other type of thinking, Reflective Thinking requires solitude. So, I must learn when to be alone, and when to break silence, in order to use this kind of thinking effectively.

On my list for today is breathing in, breathing out. Reflective thinking while the sun still shines.

May I share a voice with you?

2011-11-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

Usually, her voice is in my head. She is the one who raised me, and the one who belittles me when no one else is around.

My mom will never leave her most candid messages on the answering machine for our family phone. But she did the most unusual last weekend and actually left me a voice mail on my i-Phone.

It occurred to me after listening, shocked, that sharing it would help those who don't understand the borderline mind. Those interested, could experience firsthand how painful it can be to try to navigate the mind-field of someone who is constitutionally incapable of taking responsibility for their side of the relational fence.

If you know how I can create a gadget on my blog, that will let you experience the mind-set first hand, please feel free to email me privately. Thanks!

Best, Smitty

Possibility Thinking... Creating a New Map for My Life

2011-11-09T05:58:00.000-08:00

When I see others on the Recovery Path ahead of me, cobbling together a life that has some joy and peace in it, I too can imagine Possibilities for my new life.

I find the plainest example of Possibility Thinking expressed in the meeting guidelines for our face-to-face groups:

"We do not give advice on personal matters. Experience has shown it is more productive to discuss solutions rather than problems. If we share the positives and solutions, we are more likely to leave the meeting feeling hopeful and optimistic."

I find these simple statements freeing and reassuring. It has been my experience that other's advice has sometimes limited my thinking. It has also been my experience that focusing on the problem can eclipse creative solutions to it.

There are likely many other ways the Program encourages Possibility Thinking.

I see Possibility Thinking in the 10th Promise, "We intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." Or in the Slogans, "Look for the Good" and "I have a Choice" (or as I heard a long ago EA friend say when she introduced herself each meeting, "I have choiceS," which to me is like saying, "I allow myself new Possibilities.")

As I shared yesterday, each Just for Today describes Strategies for living in the solution. Ways of living at peace with (not in denial, nor in getting rid of) unsolved problems. Just be being able to be at peace, I can begin to see Possibilities I might never have seen before. From peace, I create space for Possibility thinking.

Just for Today #4 puts it well, "I will try to be happy, realizing that happiness does not depend on what others do or say or what happens around me. Happiness is a result of being at peace with myself."

In fact, when I create room for happiness, there is room for Possibility Thinking. This kind of thinking gives me energy and enthusiasm for living. Enthusiasm is an emotion that motivates me to stay focused more on solutions than on problems.

Possibility Thinking requires Open-mindedness. (HOW) The best Possibility Thinking occurs when I stay away from experts who already have the way charted. For example, someone ahead of me on the Path, who turns round to tell me I am doing Program "wrong" is someone I need to steer clear of, for they are limiting my Possibilities.

The best kept secret of Program is that there are pieces of "what others have done" in my story book, but the story must be invented by me from the unique options in my own life.

Strategic Thinking: I Will Have a Program (Plan)

2011-11-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

Program enables me to practice Strategic Thinking, even before I accept the powerlessness of my old ways in Step One.

I use each of the Just For Todays (JFT) in the EA program, for to me, they point out Strategies that gently prepare to do my best with what I have. Strategic thinking helps me to simplify the difficult, encouraging me to "plan out" my best path for each day.

Each JFT is part of a practical plan of action. Through using any one of them, I can begin focusing on this one day. JFT #1 makes this goal particularly clear: all I need do is focus on getting through this one day, allowing myself to face discouragement, knowing This Too Shall Pass. Definitely a strategy for early recovery. I find it beautiful and balanced that JFT #12 reiterates the goal of #1. Success really is living "just this one day."

JFT #7 speaks about the basics of planning the details of the day, "I shall have a Program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision." Interestingly for me, hurry and indecision are the hallmarks of my malaise: anxiety.

Another strategy for me, in early recovery is to use JFT #9, each day. This JFT reads, "...I will have a quiet time of meditation, wherein I shall think of my Higher Power, of myself, and of my neighbor. I shall relax and seek truth." This begins to create the space and structure for making Step Eleven a part of my life.

JFT #10, is a especially suitable for my particular malaise of anxiety. It is direct: "...I shall be unafraid." It provides the antidote too... "...particularly I shall be unafraid to be happy, [by enjoying] what is good, what is beautiful, what is lovely in life."

Whenever I struggle with anxiety, I am glad for three strategies in dealing with it that are outlined in JFT #4: "...I will take care of my physical health; I will exercise my mind [and body]; I will read something spiritual."

I have learned that to manage my anxiety means making physical health a priority, through maintaining steady blood sugar, not imbibing caffeine after noon, as well as making sure I get my B-vitamins, magnesium and other minerals. I also am careful to avoid crash and burn, by not eating carbohydrates alone. I also exercise my mind with right thinking, a daily puzzle I enjoy with my DH and learning something new every day. I choose some kind of vigorous/joyous physical exercise to help regulate my emotions and brain. (A strategy I found during a particularly anxious time when I lost my first uncle to pancreatic cancer, and I was having tummy problems.) I read something spiritual, even if it is simply the Bible verse that is on the wall at the gym to which I belong. But I usually carry with me a daily program reader for spare moments, or as daytime exercise, I consider how some piece of additional (outside) reading reinforces some idea or principle in our program.

I further internalize and celebrate my work, by writing about it or sharing in a meeting. Writing and sharing also are Strategic, for we gain in this program only by giving away the lessons that have helped us.

The Autumn of My Life, Mountain Bridges

2011-11-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

On my recent mountain trip, I'd planned on taking a silent retreat, with ample time for Reflective Thinking. And time with my journal. Oh well, there was not much time for reflection, what with setting up camp, sequestering food from vermints, fetching and purifying water, cooking, developing strategies to stay warm, de-cramping muscles and well-deserved sleep.

I did get to begin to read The Tao of Pooh (by flashlight) and finally, finally understand that this was not a funny book, but rather a series of serious lessons using the "apparently" light children's story of Winnie the Pooh as a teaching tool.

On the trail I actually spent most of my time in Reality Thinking. It was a lot of focus to stay steady on the trail, attentive to each leaf-covered step over rocks and roots. By gumbo, hiking and camping is a lot of work. Instead of "om time", I was talking inwardly to myself. "Hmm, haven't had much time to write or groove on nature and the exquisite beauty around me. I am not sure I like this time alone. Are we having fun yet?"

There were humble moments of accomplishment--not only doing all the things of camping on my own--but finding safe and sane balance and remaining compassionate. Looking at the days in hindsight, I used Reality Thinking to modify my plans and honor my limitations. I had to admit I had a pack that was a bit too heavy, had chosen trails that were a bit too rugged, and accept that I was not quite in shape for my heavy load to be carried up 1-1/2 miles of 1200 foot elevation gain.

This was a "Do-your-inventory-with-kindness, "Easy Does It (but do it)" kind of trip. Every campsite I hiked down to, I had to climb right back up the following morning. To do that effectively, I had to be kind and affirming of all my efforts.

The trip was also about applying Step Eleven, being grateful for good timings, chance meeting with people (angels), who redirected my route. I came to gracefully accept changing plans around each of my limitations. I even learned to appreciate my best efforts and stop comparing to trips taken over thirteen years ago. When I was only able to take 30 steps at a time, I did not let my Inner Critic (the voice of a former mate) get the upper hand. Instead of pressing on, I took rests until I felt emotionally ready to move on, something I have never allowed myself to do before.

There was no Gremlin on my shoulder, telling me I was not good enough!

I am very very proud of how much better I take care of God's gifts to me--especially the gift of a body that has healed enough to allow me to take trips like this! Especially appreciative when I imagine back to a year and a half ago when I could barely walk at all. This trip, I was able to drive myself three hours without pain, and I did not have the problems with my shoulder that I'd anticipated.

Instead, I had the most panful hips in my life thus far! The painful hips got my attention, like warning lights. How grateful I am for mixed blessings--I traded my shoulder pain for painful hips and some new muscles to learn about and heal!

My Thinking, Is it Realistic?

2011-11-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

I find the Program encourages me to practice Realistic Thinking, too.

For me, Realistic Thinking is expressed in some old-timey Program sayings like, "Emotions are not facts." I agree with this statement, but offer a contrasting perspective that helps to keep me on track. I see it this way: my emotions are here for me as a guidance system, to tell me how I experience the world. Emotions or feelings are evoked by things that happen to me and my loved ones, and even people distant from me. Personally, I want to experience my emotions, not repress, deny, or try to fix the "negative" ones out of existence. Program tells me the even good emotions do end. "This too shall pass," is an important example of realistic thinking.

Emotions Anonymous offers its Four A's in dealing with emotional challenges. I propose these as examples of realistic thinking.

I use them in this way: First, I need to be Aware when my emotions are derailing my thinking. Then I Accept my derailment. (No emotion is a fact, but I am experiencing it and I need to be aware of its source and accept its gift.) Then I take Actions that help me to change my situation and my Attitude. (Some folks use the order differently for their situations).

The acronym, HOW, is also another way in which to use Reality Thinking. The principles it embodies are Honesty, Openness, Willingness.

Also, when I speak I ask myself, "Is it honest, is it kind, is it necessary?" I learned this additional bit of reality thinking, in meetings. Remembering these three questions helps me stay "real" as I make the decision to communicate with someone. And saves us both more emotional grief.

Realistic thinking was also brought up recently bya program friend. She mentioned a process in which she looked at the thoughts that were revving up her emotions. By meditating (Step Eleven) she made room for herself to see her thoughts, very clearly. Then she chose one thought to look at. She gently asked herself questions to determine whether she believed it to be true, then looked at her belief and tried turning the sentence around a few times.

In my case, when my borderline parent tells me something that makes me mad, I still find myself thinking, "She shouldn't have said that." Then I get all righteous and emotional un-sober. Instead, what if I pause and ask myself if it really is true that she shouldn't have said it? At first I might say, OF COURSE it is true! Well, according to who? To me, of course. The reality is that the universe allowed her to say it. The universe, and our HP, allow free will after all. So, what if I turn the statement around? Yes, she should have said this nasty thing, because she has free will. Then, I go, "I too have free will and I can choose not to say things like what that turnip said to me." That is the truest statement. Sometimes I go a bit farther and say, "I am darn tooting grateful that I have a choice not to act like her. I don't have to stay angry about her limitations."

Now, that is a sparkling clean version of reality just stated in my example. But this is on application of the realistic thinking I have learned from others on the path. It may not yet be found in our literature, but bit-by-bit we are living literature.

I am quite sure that there are other ways the Program introduces Realistic Thinking into our toolbox, but that would take a book, I think. Meanwhile, I am open to your ideas.

Time for Fall Reflection...

2011-11-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

I love the power of "wee." I must have gotten a bit long winded with that last post. Smaller is beautiful.

Anyways in the name of simplicity, I will just share that I am taking a few days and spending it in the mountains. We may not ever again live so close to high paths that take us deep into nature, and her peace. So, time to take to the trails.

Leaving family and the day-to-day behind for Reflective Thinking, which is, as you'd likely guess, exactly what Step Eleven means to me. I'll be praying to the Higher Power around me in within me, as I take the trail step-by-step.

Yesterday, as I made final plans, arranging my camping spot for the second night (by phone), the ranger explained why the campsite is only reservable by talking to the state park directly: they want to make sure folks don't get in over their heads, trying to access a remote, steep and waterless part of the park. Needless to say, they helped me revise my plans. I will miss the exquisite beauty of the highest peaks in my nearby state, but I will also enjoy my trip a lot more.

I'll certainly have more time for reflection. I might even feel a little lazy...

There's Power in Creative Thinking

2011-10-31T06:10:00.000-07:00

Of the various strategies, Creative Thinking (or adaptation) is key for me. It helps me do the "experience" part of program to fit my own tastes, my own nutrition needs. I see Creative Thinking as each of us shares our experience, demonstrating our own individual Alchemy at work.

Even just to peruse our tools, shows me that AA's founders were an inspired source of creativity. And that creativity in adaptation continues on in each 12-Step program. For example, in EA's It Work if you Work It there are countless more Slogans than just our basic 12. Those Slogans, collected and adapted by our members, demonstrate that our program grows in its applicability, through Creativity.

The work of applying Program, is such a different process than intellectually understanding its principles. The teachings themselves can seem very straightforward, almost cookbook. But, creative thinking (or problem solving) may be needed for me to figure out how my particular oven works, before I can even consider following the recipe.

Creative thinking allows me to do the unexpected with the material, when my life presents a different problem to me than any example in the literature. Creative thinking allows us to change the wording, or even to discover outside resources that give me a new way apply a Slogan, or a Just for Today, or even simply help me to understand what a given Step is there to teach me. I may need to adapt a program teaching for an unexpected surgery, or a death in my family. At first, I might be slightly clueless about such unique circumstances and think "this simple program does not apply here!" Today, I just see these "different" problems prevent me from getting too cosy in my box, knowing all the answers.

Step One comes up at these times, so I can have a fresh take on my own life, that requires a creative adaptation of past learning.

Creativity is both a miracle and very mundane. As an example, I think of Thomas Edison. I see his persistence, at trying again and again to come up with an improvement to a 50-year old idea (the lightbulb), as creativity. I see him trying to do the same thing, doing what someone else might say was insanity, "expecting different results." This is the perseverance necessary to match creative drive. At last, he was able to tweak his approach in order to get it "just right." That to me is creativity meshing with focused thinking, to create something new in our world. We do that in Program too.

We are each creative, and I love seeing how differently we interpret and use the tools of the Program to our own unique situations.

I guess Creative Thinking is particularly important to me. Because I value it so much, I am very sensitive to environments where it is discouraged. I am attune to the words people use that block creativity, for themselves and others.

It makes me wonder: what particular tools encourage Creativity for you?

The Power of Focused Thinking

2011-10-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

Program introduces me, almost without my realizing it, to new ways of thinking, through its many tools.

Today I explore several tools that encourage me to practice Focused Thinking.

I see it in our Just for Todays which, in Emotions Anonymous, are modeled after AA's. In EA, we also have helpful Concepts that explain how to focus and use our meetings, to listen and share. One Concept explicitly tells us that we find our way to healing through focusing on solutions, not dwelling on our problems.

Focus is in the very system of our Twelve Steps, which encourage us to understand one puzzle piece of recovery at a time. I find Steps Four and Steps Eleven to be especially hopeful in focusing. Step Four tells me that I will make peace with the world, and find my real power by putting the focus on me. Step Eleven encourages me to seek the Source of my self-love, to engage in right action in the world. This step tells me there will always be challenges and my Higher Power's will is all I need to, in order to meet them. Step Eleven for me is also been about seeking the source of joy in my life, through a gratitude practice, which I strongly believe is a prayer in itself. The gratitude aspect in my understanding of Step Eleven is also embodied in our Slogan, Look for the Good.

Focused thinking helps remove distractions. In Step Four in particular, focus on ourselves removes the distraction of blame. I learn to stop blaming others in working Step Four and I also learn to stop blaming myself through continually focusing on my faults. Instead, by knowing my strengths and limitations, I can focus on taking responsibility for my part in my past, and begin to allow my role in my unfolding story to change. I believe I need to know my strengths in order to have a more balanced approach to my life. It is not explicitly stated in the basic wording of this step, but I believe Step Four gives me permission to look at those strengths, while also admitting my weaknesses.

Accepting both sides of me, helps me to stay focused as I progress in the remaining Steps. Until I know myself, I do not know when I am giving too much, or giving too little, when I reach Step Twelve.

I think these Steps are a great way to keep the proper focus needed for each stage in recovery. In my deep Winter, I need to first find hope (through connection with an HP), then be honest with myself about who I am... and my part in my "problems." Only after I have some healing, and shared my story bit by bit, let go of the dross (Steps Five, Six and Seven), and woven myself back into the fabric of my life (Steps Eight, Nine, Ten) can I truly be in touch with my Source and my Purpose (Step Eleven). Then, when I do Step Twelve, I know intuitively what is helpful to give away to Others.

Big Picture Thinking, applied

2011-10-29T05:44:00.000-07:00

I tend to be a person who looks at the larger picture, especially when I sense conflict. When I was in a low place, the Steps showed me there was a way out of my dark corner. They helped me claim a larger life two decades ago, and then again when I renewed my commitment in fall 2005.

I see the Twelve-Step framework, as boldly encouraging Big Picture Thinking. Ours is a path that others have found to be healing, that is why the action in each of the Twelve is presented in the past tense. Those Steps... One to Twelve, document a path that extends far beyond my current, limited view. Someone before me completed them. And I can complete them in my own way, too!

In this program, I get a sense that I fit into bigger whole, and that I will learn from others, as well as my own, experiences.

The concept of Big Picture thinking (and the ten more to come) originate from "How Successful People Think, Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life," by John C. Maxwell. The application to program is unique to me.

The Big Picture thinking of the Program provide a general map... showing me that where I am and where I have been are just one phase in a grand scheme of development. Or I can see myself as being in a particular season of my recovery.

Big Picture thinking is also in the Slogan, This too shall pass. My despair will pass. I will find strength and self-love by looking within. The path of recovery begins in my time of deep Winter. Step One. I know from our Twelve Steps, that there will be time of mourning, a time of regrowth and a time of Harvest. I will partake and I will share my story to help others have hope too, just as Step Twelve promises. The time of looking within will help me grow into being able to help others in their time of need.

New Frontiers in Thinking, The Program Unveiled

2011-10-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

The program in its entirety--Steps, Promises, Just for Today's, Traditions and Slogan--has many tools that work together to continue challenging me to get out of my existing mental "boxes." Boxes that would keep me from realizing there is always hope in every situation.

Each program of recovery makes its own Slogan selections and tweaks the wording on the Steps and Just for Today's, to meet its unique needs. Alanon has particularly challenged me, with its Slogan, "Think." It is one which we did not choose to include in our top-Dozen Slogans in Emotions Anonymous.

Yet I see that every 12-step Program is engaged in new ways of thinking, through using the many tools listed in our guidelines.

Why not name these ways of thinking? Recently I've stumbled across a book on thinking, that discusses ten specific ways to think differently and create success. I read closely and took note. Then I asked myself, "Aren't some of these embodied in our program tools?" None of our Work is random, but it has a system, and it sure creates lasting change!

After a bit of meditation and writing, I discovered an array of program tools that applied each of these types of thinking. Big Picture thinking. Focused thinking. Creative thinking. Realistic thinking. Strategic thinking. Possibility thinking. Reflective thinking. Questioning popular thinking. Shared thinking. Unselfish thinking. Bottom line thinking. And two others that came to mind (that I have not named yet).

I'll be sharing some of my explorations with you over the coming weeks. I hope you'll join me to see how this work might shed light on your own Program walk.

Giving Up Hope

2011-10-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is important to give up hope. Perhaps to allow a different, more realistic hope to emerge. In order to live one day at a time more peaceably.

There has been a memorial at our church yesterday that I attended; it was for parents who lost their son unexpectedly. Just like for my dear Aunt M and her late husband, their son died in their home. The parents returned from medical treatment for the father, to find their adopted son dead on the floor. At 42 years old.

At the same time as this service, our son was learning about human relationships and sexuality. After the memorial, our minister shared privately that she expects to officiate at a number of memorials in the coming months. One of those expected deaths will involve the wife of my one of DH's colleagues. I may have told you, they are neighbors as well?

I am one who weeps easily. What we in EA call our powerless statement, powerless over my emotions, has the acronym, POME. Instead, I feel my heart spells it POEM.

I guess I am glad my childhood taught me how to do this dance of tears. I know it heals, even as it hurts.

I was telling a program friend that it is almost impossible to cry, when typing. Well, I seem to have just proven those words wrong.

There is a line in the St. Francis Prayer that comes immediately to mind. "Lord.. where there is despair, let me sow hope." But the honest ground of hope begins when we admit despair.

Step Eleven, I Needed It Earlier in My Step-Work

2011-10-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

I don't think it is absolutely necessary to have a well-defined, or traditional, notion of God, in order to do Step Eleven. I say this because my first sponsor was an atheist. She was more devout about atheism, than I was in my deity-based faith, yet she never imposed her notions of her Higher Power on me. From her, I intuited that Love was our mutual Higher Power.

She believed there was no Deity and I was not sure. So I set out to discover and actually I could not wait until Step Eleven to find out.

Through a gratitude practice, I found my way out of a deep hole, which restored the faith I needed, in order to do step Four at all.

Even today, when I am re-set by a relapse, I return to this prayer of gratitude to reclaim my spiritual life, and restart my recovery.

For me the prayer part of step eleven is about being grateful for another day of life...and grateful for the opportunity to learn greater love and compassion from my challenges. Meditation is about becoming more present to the Love already with in me. I can do either of these anytime. Often for me Step Eleven comes naturally to me as I fall asleep. This kind of practice is a healing balm. It rarely feels like a "should."

As I have grown in program, I've been influenced by spiritual ministers and others on the recovery path, who continue to study the practices of prayer and meditation in the Twelve Step community. From them, I learned that that Bill W and his mentor came to the conclusion that Step Eleven is best practiced early in recovery. They shared that the basics of Step Eleven are best introduced by Step Six. I found that prayer and meditation was essential in the process of developing an understanding of that Universal Spiritual Power that brought me back to sanity.

I am happy to cite my sources and so glad that what I share here need not be officially sanctioned.

Step Eleven, Out of Step

2011-10-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

My way of using Step Eleven might be a bit outside the box.

I always felt I'd cheated, by doing Step Eleven while learning my first Three-Step waltz.

(You know the short version of the first three steps: "I can't. He can. I think I'll let him." That's what I call the Waltz: One, Two, Three.... One, Two, Three).

Sometimes those who come into the program with faith, find it straightforward to do these three steps over and over until they make sense. Eventually, momentum takes them naturally to Step Four.

But when I came into my first program room, I keenly felt God had abandoned me in my hour of need. For the Three Step waltz to make any sense to me, it was essential that I rekindle a relationship with an HP within me, in my heart, where love and compassion reside.

I would never have had the courage for Step Four without a workable concept of an HP, revealed to me through prayer and meditation.

Another way my Step Eleven is non-traditional, is that a gratitude practice was not commonly recognized as prayer when I began using it for my recovery. When I first had the courage to spell out that gratitude could be Step Eleven, I really felt as if I'd done a magic trick. Yet it was true, that each piece of revealed good was evidence of the Divine at work in my life.

Today I am more comfortable sharing that long before the Steps made any sense to me, I did a one-day-and-one-gratitude-at-a-time Program. Through that gratitude practice, I was taking action, choosing to "Look for the Good."

Only many years later did I realize gratitude might be a legitimate part of Step Eleven. Today I am grateful for the words Meister Eckhart, "If the only prayer you ever said was 'thank you,' that would suffice."

Step Nine, Let It Begin with Me

2011-10-19T04:46:00.000-07:00

Fast forward to the Alanon meeting I attended yesterday.

What I heard helped validate for me, that sometimes 12-Step members are not the ones who need to make major reparations to their most troubling relationships. We may be the enablers, or the abused. Sometimes to make an "amend" only splays us wide open to an abuser that may only use our close proximity as an opportunity to hurt us all over again.

I heard a beautiful Step Nine letter read out loud today in which the person sharing shared that Step Nine meant making amends to herself, first. I know in my own case that making amends to myself means I do NOT expose myself or make myself vulnerable to people who are toxic or who abuse my compassionate nature. Now mind you, I can look like a porcupine so as to keep such people at a distance from me, today. And that too is a kind of amends! :O

For me to make a more "traditional" amends to my mom, in the form of an apology, HP will have to get my attention first, using the guidance of others to get it right. ;) In the meantime, my first amends will be to myself, for all the times I made the situation worse with mom, by reacting not responding.

I am so grateful today to learn that the best amend may be to change my behavior in relating to troubled people in my life. To practice restraint instead of arguing or yelling back. To set boundaries that take care of me, when the other person is acting out of self-hate.

Step Nine, Does it Apply to Victims?

2011-10-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

Grateful for the time to share with ya'all today.

Some needed rain came our way unexpectedly, and I am enjoying reflective time that brought me indoors. I'm holding a sense of amazement that a program friend and I managed to fit in a walk on what we both thought would be a completely sunny day. Today holds the best of both worlds for me.

It also holds the best of my Sister programs, Emotions Anonymous and Al-anon.

I had the Grace to attend Alanon this afternoon, where the topic was Step Nine. Got some things cleared up. Removed some clouds of confusion. And sadness.

Step Nine. I wondered whether I really needed to make formal amends, the very first time I heard about this step. But I did #9 anyways, hedging my bets. I figured the amends were going to "work" by absolving guilt. But I got things back-assward with my first amends. I picked the hardest one first-- my mom--thinking that with her the process would be a kind of forgiveness. After all, I had nothing really to apologize for, but plenty to forgive. Sharing my forgiveness with her, I was quite benevolent, which opened me up to quite a fuss and a litany of objections. Just what was I forgiving her for? Whatever it was, she would do it again...right there on the phone! Ah the error in understanding.

I've encountered others in my EA world, who have had problems with the 9th step. What do you do when you are the one used as a scapegoat in your family?

We lost one of our face-to-face members because he was very clear that he did not have an amends to make to any of those people who hurt him. I did not know what to say to him at the time. I did not feel it was right to talk him out of his feelings. Nor did I wish to preach any shoulds at him, or to dismiss him for being dishonest. I sadly watched him come up with "other" reasons to stop attending, like a new job that just "happened" to conflict with our meeting times.

He said he loved our program, but he stopped before I got to share the rainbow with him.

The Tenth Step: Keeping the Baggage Light

2011-10-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

October 14th's reading in Courage to Change is the model for this share:

It begins with this saying, "Do not search for the truth, only cease to cherish opinions." This for me, is part of a daily Tenth Step, whose daily invitation is to let go of such baggage.

Whatever I find wrong in the world, is related to those cherished opinions of prejudice, self-righteousness, assumptions and expectations.

Step Ten lets me take a look each day to see where I need to make corrections, especially in the areas where I tend to make frequent mistakes.

I may have assumed that I alone "have the inside track on how everything should be done." Or considered other people to be too short-sighted to recognize my great truth. Have I decided that ignoring my feelings is practical, even desirable? Do I think I can run my whole life without trusting in my Higher Power? Reality could prove me wrong. I need to evaluate the results, of my attempts to control reality, using Step Ten.

A daily check-in helps me be aware of where I might be sliding back into faulty thinking. I need not abuse myself when I slip, for that simply makes the correction more painful. "By promptly admitting when I am wrong, I am doing what I can to change."

To change the thinking of a lifetime, is not an easy task. I want to change--how much harder it might be for a person for whom change is very threatening!

"No longer must we accumulate burdens of guilt or resentment that will become heavier and more potent over time. Each day, each new moment can be an opportunity to clear the air and start again, fresh and free." ... In All Our Affairs

Another Day In Paradise

2011-10-15T20:40:00.003-07:00

And so it was.

We had friends stay with us last night, with whom we have had significant memories and experiences. I worked with both members of this couple, in my work as a soil mapper.

And we have traveled some rocky emotional roads, together.

I am praying for them both tonight, putting aside worry, and placing them in HP's loving hands.

Learning and Unlearning

2011-10-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

When any real progress is made, we unlearn and learn anew what we thought we knew before. ~Henry David Thoreau

Following in the footsteps of the author of October 12th's reading of Courage to Change.

It was not until I was in Alanon, that I could face the fact that I had much in common with a child growing up in an alcoholic family. I so wanted my mom to stop "whacking me around" emotionally, so that we could finally be happy in our respective lives! If only.

My mom's "ugly disease overshadowed every aspect of our relationship, and I could not face the emptiness I felt in my own life."

I had grown up in a family impacted by Borderline Personality Disorder. It was easier for me to live in an illusion than deal with the craziness. I had spent my whole life, dreaming of a blissful future, where everything would be well if only mom would change!   Al-anon helped me face reality and discover life was satisfying "in the here and now."

It helped me in my second year, when I decided to go limited-contact for my mental and emotional health. As I modified my decision, and stopped communicating altogether with my mom, I also had to let go of my hopes to have a relationship with my dad. My fantasies crashed. The good thing is, I have had the chance to know myself! What I see, unclouded by constant character assassinations, is good.

"With the support of the program, I learned to look to myself for happiness and to my own real life for enrichment."

Now, three years later, I have not (yet) reconciled with my mother. As I spend more time with myself, I continue to unlearn the habits I habitually use to put ME down. I am also letting go of unreasonable expectations.

I may need to undo new illusions, if I choose to be in closer relationship with my mom, because her idea of health is still to find the fault with me. I may have "to find a balance between taking care of myself and being there for my [mother]; I [may have] to learn to love [her] again.  "

  "Recovery can involve as much unlearning as learning." Even in my program walk, I have not been able to latch on to specific rules for too long. The writer of the CTC explains it best:

"Once I truly learn [how something works] the rules change. With my Higher Power's help, I will find some security in being exactly where I am today. " Indeed.

"The Twelve Steps of our program have led me to a faith in God today which is based on acceptance of the world as it is. I no longer agonize about how the world should be." As We Understand  

Admitting Powerlessness, Another Backward View

2011-10-13T05:08:00.000-07:00

Every meeting is a reminder of powerlessness to us old-timers.

In an EA meeting, when say, "I am powerless over my emotions," it comes pretty automatically to me these days. But am I really feeling it? Sometimes I make other choices when introducing myself. Like when I feel my life is really good or really off-track, I might say, "I am really glad to be here."

Recently, a newbie found herself needing to share that she could not say the "powerlessness statement" when introducing herself.

Sometimes, true admission is only comfortable, after the healing's begun. When we've experienced real power first.

I can sense when others in recovery have been taught to be ashamed of their emotions, or to manage their emotions with their intellect. I can understand that admitting powerlessness could be a very ugly proposition for them. It may be more helpful to for me to encourage them to "live Step One, backwards."

This means we uncover what powerlessness is by tracing a given "unmanageability" to its source. Only when we perceive HOW our life has become unmanageable, can we realize we have emotions at all. Only when we know what emotions we actually are experiencing, can we discern which one(s) we might be powerless over.

In meetings I attend, whether EA or a sister program, the only requirement when a person shares, is that they let us know their name first, so we can repeat it and affirm whatever they have to share. Whatever is on their heart is what's most important to be said.

I have learned I need to be Honest, Open and Willing about the details of my mixed up life, before I can put on a Program.

Stepping Backwards, For Perspective

2011-10-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

The other night, I'd said to myself, "Smitty, let's see what today's reading in Hope for Today would have been and what light it might shed on your situation." I had not cracked open the book in weeks. And there it was!

It explained my situation of last week. With a bit of editing and reorganizing, it is my lesson for today.

"My recovery is about progress, not perfection. Each time I practice accepting my powerlessness, it comes closer to being a natural response.The good news is that with surrender and acceptance comes release from my pain."

"...I wish I could say that I always recognize and accept my powerlessness. If only I asked my Higher Power for guidance, let her do her part while I do mine, and then went on from there. [Alas, s]ometimes I need to work Step One backwards."

Working "Powerlessness Backwards" is for those times when I can't recognize H.O.W. I am powerless. For when my "automatic" coping mechanisms are not working.

"[Can I notice when my life becomes unmanageable? Then I may discern when my [feeling of "craziness" means I have forgotten] my powerlessness and [am] trying to control outcomes or other people."

I saw the quality of my life deteriorate last week, because I had unwittingly set out "to change someone or something over which I have no control."

In my case, I wanted more open boundaries to practice my program, and not more restrictive boundaries that made no sense to me spiritually and as a writer. But put another way, I simply wanted my way. Once I had my headache, there was no way around the admission that I'd overspent my emotional bank account on the conundrum.

When I find myself "spending inordinate amounts of time and effort" towards an end of my ego's making, I am creating unmanageability. It is not enough to say I am powerless; without real acceptance I will "still experience pain, frustration and a sense of failure. When I accept my powerlessness and surrender to my Higher Power for guidance, however, I gain some measure of serenity and humility. I become spiritually teachable."

"Often this practice [is straighforward].. Since I am human, I sometimes need to go through the experience of struggling with someone or something before I become willing to surrender and accept reality once again.... The pain is not in the surrender and acceptance. It is in the resistance."

"I can hold onto my will until the situation becomes so painful that I am forced to submit, or I can put my energy where it can do me some good right now, and surrender to my Higher Power." Courage to Change, pg 269

Analysis in Perspective?

2011-10-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

As I began my recovery, it was suggested that I learn about my emotions. I read eagerly, with a fever. As is my way, I began by analyzing everything our Program had to say.

"What would be the logical outcome of believing in a Power greater than myself?" Were Twelve Step programs a philosophy or a system of recovery? Was their approach "guaranteed" to help me? And how could I encourage my dry drunk to have her spiritual awakening, so I could get on with my life?

Questions can be powerful, but I entertained too many at once. I had a busy mind, but clearly I was not getting better. Nor did I feel smarter.

Meanwhile, I went to all my meetings. I read literature silently, and argued with it privately. In meetings, I heard and read out-loud, over and over, the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Then, I heard people trying to put each Step into their own words. Gradually, the work began to make sense. ".. I stopped trying to analyze and explain everything and started living the principles." Once I found how helpful it was to apply these tools in everyday situations... I started to change.

"Am I taking inventory, or [am I] avoiding work that needs to be done by keeping my mind occupied? I have heard that knowledge is power. But sometimes my thirst for knowledge can be an attempt to exercise power when I am powerless. Instead I can take the first Step."

While analyzing my situation provides insights, it can also be an attempt to control the uncontrollable.

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

Soren Kierkegaard

Quotes from October 11th's Courage to Change

Powerless over Other People, Namely Mom

2011-10-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

"If a crisis or any problem baffles me, I hold it up to the light of the Serenity Prayer and extract its sting before it can hurt me." One Day at a Time in Al-anon

I've found it irksome when my mom goads me on the telephone. This past Friday she rang me after over a month of no-contact, by telling me she has not heard from me in awhile. I responded lightly, "I was thinking the same thing." For it is she that has not responded to my phone call on her birthday, nor has she said a word about receiving the present I sent.

She reacts as if this is a power play. Did I expect otherwise? The reasonable part of me still wants her to be reasonable. Honest would be nice.

First she asks where my son is. I tell her he has gone shopping. Her response? To see it as something I am doing wrong; isn't MY responsibility to shop? I listen and then share he is shopping with his Boy Scout troup. She acts as if she never knew he was in Boy Scouts. Maybe I forgot to share this with her, so I give details. We talk about his being in orchestra, and she seems to have forgotten completely that he plays cello. I am sure she heard him play by phone not too long ago. But she moves on too quickly for me to get alarmed by this.

She does a quick shift in topic, to ask if there are "other" Caucasians at my son's middle school. I tell her, gently, that the complete statistics are available on the school website. I know data is better than trying to reassure with my words. After all, she'll know better that I have not stretched the truth of past conversations. We have talked about this several times before.

But of course, she wanted my answer, not to be advised to do research. I am right there on the phone, but I cannot save her from a world that is becoming more different than the one she grew up in.

Her next story is about how the elementary school where I went to school is all-Black now. Nearby families, she says, don't take their kids there and the real-estate values are going down. My head now feels foggy and my gut a little squeemish. I begin to tell her that I am confused. I'm self-effacing, so I don't get effaced by her. I say, "I may be stupid. I feel confused and would like to understand this better."

Mom quickly reassures me I am not stupid, but is eager to change the topic. She says, "I don't have time to explain, I have to go soon, I only have a few minutes." I kind of know this pattern too well. She is removing a buffet dish whose ingredients I am questioning, so she can deliver something more provocative. She does not want me to look too close at the fog screen she is creating. She wants me around long enough to get in a sucker punch, and then make it look like I am the bad person.

Sure enough, her next move is to tell me, "Now, don't hang up on me!" Is she saying this in front of my dad, to make it look like I am the bad guy? Who knows?

But when I say to her, again very gently, "What do you mean, it is you who has said you need to go," she accuses me of grandstanding. I'm quiet but I wonder, "Grandstanding? I am in my kitchen by myself." Who exactly is grandstanding?

I just listen. And soon enough, I begin to hear the old familiar, "You." "You blah blah blah..." and I know the guns are set on rapid shot. That is when I say firmly, "We are not going there today, Mom. This is not Bash-Smitty day." I use the version of my name I have used since I was a young adult of 20. She prefers the short version. Let's say my name were Michael, and she'd changed it to "Mikey."

Since that is not the name I go by, I know that this is the beginning of a slippery slope of disrespect. Quietly, sadly, I say, "Shall we just agree to both hang up at the same time? One... two... three..."

Then I hear her saying, "You you you..." all over again, and now she really is taking character shots.

I don't really want to hang up on her. I just don't want the you messages right in my ear, so, I quickly put her on speakerphone. Once I have the phone perched on my cutting board, I repeat myself, "Mom, this is not bash-Smitty day."

Again the sting. The spray of insults. Likely I could have done or said something to take charge of the situation. But I only want a no-fire zone where she won't be goading me. I am powerless over my emotional responses.

And so, as the ODAT reading shares, "I extract the sting, just before the sting can hurt me," by getting off the phone. I tell mom that it is time for me to go.

It is failure. I know only too well, that the next time we talk, she will act as if I am the person who is to blame for our "issues." I'll be to blame in her mind, because I was ready to hang up when I answered the phone. She will take no responsibility for her part in creating the fracture line between us.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." The reassuring mantra does not mean I have to be happy about what has happened.

"... the courage to change the things I can..." I don't think it took courage for me to hang up the phone. For me, hanging up was my admission of powerlessness. By hanging up, I simply acknowledged the obvious-- that I don't know what to do to effect positive change. That admission is the only power I have right now.