Step Eleven, Staying

Meditation

Twixt now and summer

A new geography. My

Breath holds me. Here. Now. 

The End in Sight

Now that our family has sat and waited for  months, weathering rumors, paranoia, and Kafka-esque jokes about DH's work, we are now told that we'll be moving out of limbo within days.  Next week.


At last:  definite, final, triple-checked decisions. In  a few days,  the staff will each have their 15-minute appointment where they will receive the letter telling them where their new work assignment will be, should they choose to go.

This morning, DH called me to share how everyone drew straws, to find out the order in which they will receive their letters. Some day next week, my man is will be the first to go into the office to meet with the bosses.

DH might get this news on his birthday after all  (Good thing I did not place a bet against it)!

Will we be shifted to a location in the next county, somewhere else in the Southeast, or to somewhere where the cost of living is beyond our current means?  Don't go there, Smitty. 


Now comes the focus on Step Eleven, praying for acceptance...as we face the imminent news of DH's next job placement.   Let me continue to see the good in our situation, regardless of the outer realities (economic, interpersonal, political). 

Praying for inner peace,  while knowing there will be emotional waves. To ride. To ride.  Breathe just, breathe. 

The Steps beginning to Round

But did I really jump 10 steps ahead only to "fall back down" to Step One?  Not if I see the Steps on a clock face with 12 at the top, and 11 at an eleven o-'clock position. 

And myself at the Center. 

With this image in mind, I can make sense of my having to move to Step Eleven in order for introspection, then forward to Step Twelve to "apply" a program principle to my current affairs. When I needed to reclaim humility and admit where I was still powerless, Step One was easily reachable. In a meeting I might find myself readying to "take" Step Two, because  belief in a Higher Power looks really easy when I see recovery in other program participants' victories.  But then I might naturally move back to the Center of my circle, to reconsider.  And step back into to Step Eleven for integration, introspection and continued prayer. 


I suspect that my recovery had me moving back and forth on this arc, between 11 and 2 until it felt more easeful, and I became ready to move on. 

As I "made up" my own particular dance, I found myself on a moving wheel,  beginning to move naturally through the Steps. With a  bit more practice,  I gained enough experience to strengthen my belief (in Step Two) AND become  willing (in Step Three) to turn my life over more and more to my HP.

With the active faith in a Higher Power, I would find the courage necessary for Step Four.  

My Program Walk, Out of Order

Is the point  in numbering our twelve steps,  simply take it one at a time?

In our rooms, I often hear folks say, the Steps are in order for a reason. Yet I've found my gut balking. Once I finally allowed myself to investigate, it came to me that  if the Steps are suggested, even their order can be "tweaked." Right?

A common saying, "two steps forward, one step back,"  might support that.  For when we leap, we must self-correct. To end up where we needed to be after all--one step forward.

But to be honest, I did the Steps much more "out of order", to make them work for me.

How badly out of order? I don't think I forced any step or did an apology before I was ready.  No, I just did Step Eleven long before I did any other action Step in the program! 

Using the Twelve Step Plus approach (including therapy) I started rebuilding my faith in my Higher Power by doing a gratitude practice each day for three months. At my therapist's advice.  I later came to realize gratitude is a potent form of prayer or Step Eleven. In hindsight I see that practicing gratitude helped me to look for, and find, the good in my life, and reconnect with my Higher Power.

Without Step Eleven, very early in my recovery, I could not have had the faith in Love that I needed in order to turn my will and life over to Its care. Today that makes sense to me, but only after a lot of introspection. 

I've seen it happen that way for others too.  Some newcomers use  the Steps ONLY as a guide, and decide from careful reflection, where they most need to begin their work. 

Some conclude that where they start is not so important, if after all, they'll come back to these steps again and again in the work of rebuilding their lives.

That has made me wonder if it might help to see our Steps as more of a circle dance. In this way, we each might be at the Center of a circle, using a given step when we need it, to move through our own "cycle" of recovery. 

Step Eleven, I Needed It Earlier in My Step-Work

I don't think it is absolutely necessary to have a well-defined, or traditional, notion of God, in order to do Step Eleven. I say this because my first sponsor was an atheist.   She was more devout about atheism, than I was in my deity-based faith, yet she never imposed her notions of her Higher Power on me. From her, I intuited that Love was our mutual Higher Power.  

She believed there was no Deity and I was not sure.  So I set out to discover and actually I could not wait until Step Eleven to find out.

Through a gratitude practice,  I found my way out of a deep hole, which restored the faith I needed, in order to do step Four at all. 

Even today, when I am re-set by a relapse,  I return to this prayer of gratitude to reclaim my spiritual life, and restart my recovery. 

For me the prayer part of step eleven is about being grateful for another day of life...and grateful for the opportunity to learn greater love and compassion from my challenges. Meditation is about becoming more present to the Love already with in me.  I can do either of these anytime. Often for me Step Eleven comes naturally to me as I fall asleep. This kind of practice is a healing balm.  It rarely feels like a "should."

As I have grown in program, I've been influenced by spiritual ministers and others on the recovery path, who continue to study the practices of prayer and meditation in the Twelve Step community.   From them,  I learned that that Bill W and his mentor came to the conclusion that Step Eleven is best practiced early in recovery. They shared that the basics of Step Eleven are best introduced  by Step Six.   I found that prayer and meditation was essential in the process of developing an understanding of that Universal Spiritual Power that brought me back to sanity. 


I am happy to cite my sources and so glad that what I share here need not be officially sanctioned.

Step Eleven, Out of Step

My way of using Step Eleven might be a bit outside the box. 

I always felt I'd cheated, by doing  Step Eleven while learning my first Three-Step waltz.  

(You know the short version of the first three steps:  "I can't. He can. I think I'll let him." That's what I call the Waltz:  One, Two, Three.... One, Two, Three).

Sometimes those who come into the program with faith, find it straightforward to do these three steps over and over until they make sense. Eventually, momentum takes them naturally to Step Four.  

But when I came into my first program room, I keenly felt God had abandoned me in my hour of need. For the Three Step waltz to make any sense to me, it was essential that I rekindle a relationship with an HP within me, in my  heart, where love and compassion reside. 

I would never have had  the courage for Step Four without a workable concept of an HP, revealed to me through prayer and meditation.

Another way my Step Eleven is non-traditional, is that a gratitude practice was not commonly recognized as prayer when I began using it for my recovery.  When I first had the courage to spell out that gratitude could be Step Eleven, I really felt as if I'd done a magic trick. Yet it was true, that each piece of revealed good was evidence of the Divine at work in my life.  

Today I am more comfortable sharing that long before the Steps made any sense to me,  I did a one-day-and-one-gratitude-at-a-time Program. Through that gratitude practice,  I was taking action, choosing to "Look for the Good."  

Only many years later did I realize gratitude might be a legitimate part of Step Eleven.  Today I am grateful for the words Meister Eckhart,   "If the only prayer you ever said was 'thank you,' that would suffice."