On a Serious Note, No April Fool

Today I am happy for sanity. I was a once-ago fool in August.  Allow me to use that word, not to trivialize what I am about to share.  Going on seven years ago, I was not in my right mind.  Yet, I knew if I had been able to get off the tiger I would have been sane. Just why oh why had I stayed on, holding on so tightly in fear?

That August, a fellow mom came to my home for a quilting bee. I was a new member and had been happy to host, until PMS struck and I became inordinantly fearful. I could not sleep the weekend prior and was ashamed of my messy house to boot. The event canceled itself because I turned people away as they arrived. By divine grace, she was the last to know the bee had been canceled. When she came to my door, I somehow did not turn her away, even though I had been unable, or willing,  to speak up for myself. Somehow she had the wherewithal to call the ambulance to come quietly to our home. She told me she was calling the ambulance and I did not have it in me to object. I did not want to go to the nearby hospital alone, because I knew it would be hours before they would transport me to the big city with its choices of hospital psych units. 

That mom, now a friend visiting from out-of-state, told me her side of my story last night. Our friend who was hosting this gathering, asked me if that had been too much for me. While I disagree with her version of my truth, slightly, I can see her point of view today. Then I was a sleep-deprived, out of my mind person. I also was terrified of my "mental illness" which had struck four times prior (making me a March Fool, an April fool, a June fool and a July fool).  

This angel who got me to the hospital, however I was dreading it, told me I yelled at her when she called me in my new "digs."  I don't remember that. I do know that 2005 hospital stay was one of my worst.  They even handled me poorly at my local hospital while I was waiting for their decisions to be made. My husband was dismayed that we picked the hospital that was the least compassionate and competent in dealing with mental health crises. I remember being in a room full of big men with the door closed. A very unusual protocol in my book. But I guess it got me out of view of the patients who might have been afraid of me.

Our home town hospital was never on our list of covered providers, and now we no longer have a local psych unit. I cannot tell you how isolating that made it for me each time, to be sent over an hours drive away.   I dreaded going to hospital, and my husband was only able to visit once a week.  It was also tough for an introvert (even a mature one such as myself) to be with groups of strangers. Hospitals, in my experience,  are not made to serve introverts.  

Amen, that today I am not an April fool. Though I feel my fear at the move, I have already looked my vulnerability in the face, and I am facing the future with a faithful fear (that is daily saying its prayers).

Of gratitude. 

The Sound of Loneliness

H.A.L.T.   I "understand" hungry, angry, and tired. 

But what exactly is the nature of "Loneliness?"  And  do I resolve it, alone? 

For most of my growing up,  I waited to be delivered from my loneliness.  I dreamed that once I left home, I would find that  special someone who would understand my every mood, who would "always be there for me and bring a smile to my face."  I'd finally have the love I deserved when that one person came to my rescue!

I thought I had no choice but to wait.  And wait.  

In my worst of times, what a story line I had for myself. Secretly, I felt cursed, and more than once I had to ask myself, "What I had done wrong?"   

When I first encountered Emotions Anonymous in 1991, our program did not have an explicit gratitude practice. (We had the promises, which we are told are the by-product of doing Step Nine).  It was from a therapist that my program got its kick start. She made me do a gratitude list. To "look for the good" in  each day.  

It is when I focused on gratitude that my story of isolation and "terminal specialness"  began to crumble. "Gratitude" would not let me stay so stuck on my terrible illness, with its poor prognosis. I could not stay focused on the phone that did not ring.  I experienced how gratitude gave my heart something nourishing and that nourishment restored me. I relied less and less on  this waiting for someone else to love me into existence.  When I thought about how much I had to be grateful for, my fantasy of someone else saving me, showed itself to be a shadow on my soul. 

Reality showed me simple and amazing truths. There was nature to uplift me, food to be prepared that was beautiful and colorful. There were others on the recovery path, sharing what they were doing to get well. Our EA group was easy, but respectful,  with hugs, kleenex, smiles and conversation.   There were my friends from around the country, who sent short but surprisingly insightful letters about recovery. There was a co-worker who shared his spiritual beliefs with me, and there was the excellent writing workshop that brought me back to the power of journaling, where I could learn to be my own best friend. 

Slowly I began to become confident in  the resilience I naturally possessed. I had been able to  "no" to my mother and tell her when it was time to go home, even when I was still in hospital. I was able speak up privately to folks in program about my point of view, when I disagreed with them. 

I even came to appreciate this dark time in my life for all it taught me about trusting myself. 

If I am stuck in self-pity, waiting for an "Ideal Friend" to love me,  what am I denying myself right now? "If I can't recognize the love that already exists in my life, would I really appreciate receiving more?"  Might there be enough love around me already, that I am brushing aside waiting to recognize that "one imaginary person?"  

What if I am the "Ideal Friend" I have been waiting for?

Let me recognize what has already been given to me-- out loud or in my daily journal. Appreciating the pieces of love already in my life, might give me the chance to nurture the love I need, inside myself. 

 "Thank you" is a prayer, with countless blessings for this life and the next...


This share is based on the December 5th reading of Courage to Change.  Does it bear too  strong a fingerprint?  

Step Eleven, Gratitude for Memories

A most important step. Eleven.

Deepening my program comprehension, I see how important it has been for me to use Step Eleven in building an understanding of my Higher Power, and for fostering the faith needed to continue in taking the Steps to recovery.

Gratitude is an amazingly powerful tool, and it fits my understanding of prayer.  Even more lovely is when it is heartfelt, but it need not start there (especially if my heart is in hibernation and my Inner Critic is running the show).

Today I have a surprise gratitude! My hub just called to let me know it was the twenty-fifth anniversary of our meeting at a professional conference, held in New Orleans that year.

My Triune gratitude? I am grateful for the reminder, grateful one of us remembered, and grateful that the milestone is one to be excited about! 

Best to all,  Smitty

Speaking of Dollars (and Gratitude)

Now is the month in which I am very grateful for my mental/emotional health.  Thanksgiving was another milestone, for me.  

Emotions Anonymous supported me (and is there as a resource for all of us when we need it) on my road back to emotional wellness.  Consider supporting it with your contribution this month.   A special opportunity to double your dollar ends November 30, 2011

Emotions Anonymous International has been blessed by an anonymous donor, who has pledged to match individual donations of up to $500 per person, if you post your letter by this Wednesday.  (Be sure to note this intent on your check.) 

Gratitude Month is a special time to express appreciation for what EA membership has brought to your life. Some folks choose to give a specific amount for each year they have been in the program, others just give a special gift for all the things they have come to appreciate through EA. If you usually give at the end of the year and use it for a tax donation—how about doing it now while EA is still able to get that amount matched?

I am getting this out to you in the "nick" of time--- shows there is no time like the present!   

I'm not going to let  November slip away without making my donation. How about you?

Emotions Anonymous International
PO Box 4245
St. Paul, Minnesota  55104-0245

Phone 651- 647-9712

Breathing in gratitude, breathing out generosity…

Step Eleven, I Needed It Earlier in My Step-Work

I don't think it is absolutely necessary to have a well-defined, or traditional, notion of God, in order to do Step Eleven. I say this because my first sponsor was an atheist.   She was more devout about atheism, than I was in my deity-based faith, yet she never imposed her notions of her Higher Power on me. From her, I intuited that Love was our mutual Higher Power.  

She believed there was no Deity and I was not sure.  So I set out to discover and actually I could not wait until Step Eleven to find out.

Through a gratitude practice,  I found my way out of a deep hole, which restored the faith I needed, in order to do step Four at all. 

Even today, when I am re-set by a relapse,  I return to this prayer of gratitude to reclaim my spiritual life, and restart my recovery. 

For me the prayer part of step eleven is about being grateful for another day of life...and grateful for the opportunity to learn greater love and compassion from my challenges. Meditation is about becoming more present to the Love already with in me.  I can do either of these anytime. Often for me Step Eleven comes naturally to me as I fall asleep. This kind of practice is a healing balm.  It rarely feels like a "should."

As I have grown in program, I've been influenced by spiritual ministers and others on the recovery path, who continue to study the practices of prayer and meditation in the Twelve Step community.   From them,  I learned that that Bill W and his mentor came to the conclusion that Step Eleven is best practiced early in recovery. They shared that the basics of Step Eleven are best introduced  by Step Six.   I found that prayer and meditation was essential in the process of developing an understanding of that Universal Spiritual Power that brought me back to sanity. 


I am happy to cite my sources and so glad that what I share here need not be officially sanctioned.

Step Eleven, Out of Step

My way of using Step Eleven might be a bit outside the box. 

I always felt I'd cheated, by doing  Step Eleven while learning my first Three-Step waltz.  

(You know the short version of the first three steps:  "I can't. He can. I think I'll let him." That's what I call the Waltz:  One, Two, Three.... One, Two, Three).

Sometimes those who come into the program with faith, find it straightforward to do these three steps over and over until they make sense. Eventually, momentum takes them naturally to Step Four.  

But when I came into my first program room, I keenly felt God had abandoned me in my hour of need. For the Three Step waltz to make any sense to me, it was essential that I rekindle a relationship with an HP within me, in my  heart, where love and compassion reside. 

I would never have had  the courage for Step Four without a workable concept of an HP, revealed to me through prayer and meditation.

Another way my Step Eleven is non-traditional, is that a gratitude practice was not commonly recognized as prayer when I began using it for my recovery.  When I first had the courage to spell out that gratitude could be Step Eleven, I really felt as if I'd done a magic trick. Yet it was true, that each piece of revealed good was evidence of the Divine at work in my life.  

Today I am more comfortable sharing that long before the Steps made any sense to me,  I did a one-day-and-one-gratitude-at-a-time Program. Through that gratitude practice,  I was taking action, choosing to "Look for the Good."  

Only many years later did I realize gratitude might be a legitimate part of Step Eleven.  Today I am grateful for the words Meister Eckhart,   "If the only prayer you ever said was 'thank you,' that would suffice."  

From the Personal Side

Three things I need to share, as part of my "spoken" Step Eleven. 

First,  we are still awaiting news about the closure of my husband's workplace and wondering when and to where he will be relocated. At my best, I see us as being in the palm of God's loving hands.  As one EA sputnik shared a few days ago,"Be still and know that I am God."  At some moments, I am peace with our uncertainty.  

Second, I've big gratitude that I would like to dwell on more than I already do: Our son is healing remarkably from his broken leg.  Two more weeks and even the "crowd-controlling" velcro cast will be removed. Right now it is on the floor of our den, while he enjoys unprotected time at home.

My third is an unresolved concern needing a different kind of prayer.  DH has discovered persistent blood in his urine this past few days. He is a runner, and runs some 40 miles each week. It could be that, but he has never had such symptoms like this before.  Today he made a commitment to be at the doctor's office on Monday morning.  I do know a few of the other risk factors. Because DH experienced cancer the year our son was born, he has had radiation follow ups a few years ago.  Radiation creates a risk of other cancers, bladder among them. 

There, I have put words to my fear of the C word.  Here is where I set my intent: God willing my husband will not go through conventional treatment this time if he has a new cancer.  He is already missing one organ: which has presented its own, permanent side effects.  God willing DH will travel with me, to think through the alternatives so we may help him heal rather than remove or harm more of his body. 

God are you willing, and will you help me guide us with humble authority?