Haiku from a Friend, Step Ten

I hit a writer's block when attempting to bring Haiku to Step Ten.

I asked for inspiration at a recent Emotions Anonymous workshop and John L. brought these fine words forth: 

Steady steps on stones,

Some dry, some slick;  a slipped foot

Is planted anew.

John's gentleness is mirrored in Julia Cameron's words:

Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.

Julia Cameron

New Year, Resolving to Face My Challenges

I do not have resolutions, but I have realistic hopes and  a plan (program) to make my hopes a reality.

I have my challenges ahead in the new year.  

One is that our family will always live with the possibility of my relapse. I disovered that Thanksgiving 2010. Was I ever dismayed to face that reality!  So far, so good, because in my face-to-face group I share details pretty freely and stay Honest, Open, Willing to use my last relapse as a yardstick for progress and perspective.  Also, because my own form of stinking thinking gets out of control when I lose out on sleep, I need take special care in my sleep hygene.   

Thankfully I am getting good sleep and I have learned this past year, using prayer and meditation, to be more self-aware. I am much better at catching my habitual reactions before they spiral out of control. I attribute that to a lot of mini Step-fours and continued work with Steps Five, Six and Seven. Also this year I have learned to make amends to myself.  One of these amends is underway--limited contact with my mom is really helping me to be much kinder to myself.

Second challenge is to find new ways to relate to my Inner Child and to care for her, that make it easier for me to communicate with my mom (once she has decided to resume contact with me).  I know I have a lot of things to learn about fostering a healthy relationship with myself when someone else needs to use me as a punching bag, mirror, or garbage can. Trick for me is not communicating out of anger, but out of self-compassion.  Anger is easy for me to communicate, but fragile people and the personality disordered, take that anger and run with it. The fragile run away, the personality disordered use my feelings of anger as excuse to "charge." I'll be using EA plus other tools to deal with the FOO-eey issues.

Third challenge is that we have been living in limbo since last March, and will continue to live this way until my DH hears final word about job changes.   I need to  keep things stable for my family while we are anticipating the change and then deal with the news when it comes. Serenity prayer time!

Fourth challenge is to take some moves with my primary vocation that will help me bring in new income with the potential for professional recognition. 

 So glad to witness others who are also turning over new leaves in their lives and  renewing commitments to mental health.  Let serenity and self-love be our guiding lights in 2012!

Looking forword to sharing my journey with you. 

My Program Walk, Out of Order

Is the point  in numbering our twelve steps,  simply take it one at a time?

In our rooms, I often hear folks say, the Steps are in order for a reason. Yet I've found my gut balking. Once I finally allowed myself to investigate, it came to me that  if the Steps are suggested, even their order can be "tweaked." Right?

A common saying, "two steps forward, one step back,"  might support that.  For when we leap, we must self-correct. To end up where we needed to be after all--one step forward.

But to be honest, I did the Steps much more "out of order", to make them work for me.

How badly out of order? I don't think I forced any step or did an apology before I was ready.  No, I just did Step Eleven long before I did any other action Step in the program! 

Using the Twelve Step Plus approach (including therapy) I started rebuilding my faith in my Higher Power by doing a gratitude practice each day for three months. At my therapist's advice.  I later came to realize gratitude is a potent form of prayer or Step Eleven. In hindsight I see that practicing gratitude helped me to look for, and find, the good in my life, and reconnect with my Higher Power.

Without Step Eleven, very early in my recovery, I could not have had the faith in Love that I needed in order to turn my will and life over to Its care. Today that makes sense to me, but only after a lot of introspection. 

I've seen it happen that way for others too.  Some newcomers use  the Steps ONLY as a guide, and decide from careful reflection, where they most need to begin their work. 

Some conclude that where they start is not so important, if after all, they'll come back to these steps again and again in the work of rebuilding their lives.

That has made me wonder if it might help to see our Steps as more of a circle dance. In this way, we each might be at the Center of a circle, using a given step when we need it, to move through our own "cycle" of recovery.