On a Serious Note, No April Fool

Today I am happy for sanity. I was a once-ago fool in August.  Allow me to use that word, not to trivialize what I am about to share.  Going on seven years ago, I was not in my right mind.  Yet, I knew if I had been able to get off the tiger I would have been sane. Just why oh why had I stayed on, holding on so tightly in fear?

That August, a fellow mom came to my home for a quilting bee. I was a new member and had been happy to host, until PMS struck and I became inordinantly fearful. I could not sleep the weekend prior and was ashamed of my messy house to boot. The event canceled itself because I turned people away as they arrived. By divine grace, she was the last to know the bee had been canceled. When she came to my door, I somehow did not turn her away, even though I had been unable, or willing,  to speak up for myself. Somehow she had the wherewithal to call the ambulance to come quietly to our home. She told me she was calling the ambulance and I did not have it in me to object. I did not want to go to the nearby hospital alone, because I knew it would be hours before they would transport me to the big city with its choices of hospital psych units. 

That mom, now a friend visiting from out-of-state, told me her side of my story last night. Our friend who was hosting this gathering, asked me if that had been too much for me. While I disagree with her version of my truth, slightly, I can see her point of view today. Then I was a sleep-deprived, out of my mind person. I also was terrified of my "mental illness" which had struck four times prior (making me a March Fool, an April fool, a June fool and a July fool).  

This angel who got me to the hospital, however I was dreading it, told me I yelled at her when she called me in my new "digs."  I don't remember that. I do know that 2005 hospital stay was one of my worst.  They even handled me poorly at my local hospital while I was waiting for their decisions to be made. My husband was dismayed that we picked the hospital that was the least compassionate and competent in dealing with mental health crises. I remember being in a room full of big men with the door closed. A very unusual protocol in my book. But I guess it got me out of view of the patients who might have been afraid of me.

Our home town hospital was never on our list of covered providers, and now we no longer have a local psych unit. I cannot tell you how isolating that made it for me each time, to be sent over an hours drive away.   I dreaded going to hospital, and my husband was only able to visit once a week.  It was also tough for an introvert (even a mature one such as myself) to be with groups of strangers. Hospitals, in my experience,  are not made to serve introverts.  

Amen, that today I am not an April fool. Though I feel my fear at the move, I have already looked my vulnerability in the face, and I am facing the future with a faithful fear (that is daily saying its prayers).

Of gratitude. 

Broken Boundaries? To Tell a Friend

Recently,  I invited a friend to bring her family to listen to a concert. Our son was in an intimate venue with other students,  at his teachers house. 

I was not prepared for my friend to judge the caliber of my son's teacher at the end.  The expression on her face said it all. Then she collected herself and said, "Have you heard of Thomas (another teacher, who is on her side of town)?"   She'd hatched, on the spot, a plan to bring my son to a "better" teacher, a male, who would be a great fit for our son!

 Yes,  I'd heard of Thomas before.  

I stayed open and listened. With each sentence my friend uttered I so wanted to use my defenses. Etiquette kept me civil.  I stayed thoughtful and the farther we went the more surprised I got!   It took some time to articulate part of the problem--my friend had found our piano teacher inadequate, and was saying so in the teacher's house!  It was not until the end that I decided to  take my friend out on the porch to tell her how uncomfortable that made me feel.  I chose to not state the obvious:  I am the parent and did not ask for her advice. 

In hindsight, I recognized that I was feeling alarms in my gut, that told me I would not be helped by her words, as soon as I saw her face, and watched her preparing to speak.   Why do I allow folks to say what they need to say, and not stop them so I can articulate my own boundaries, first? Maybe because I don' t necessarily like my defenses, not in a public setting. Maybe because I am just plain curious.

All along the merry path she tried to forge with her words, I was ready to burst. I'd wanted to smart back and say, "You think I have not thought about working with another teacher?"  I felt bad because I'd been trying to get my husband on board with this same plan, to find a different teacher....  It was like she was getting right into our family underpants. Like I was not doing enough for our son. Some folks have radar for that.  

I wish I had played teacher, or the older wiser sage parent that I am. (smile)  I'd have said immediately.  "You noticed that there is a range of skills this early in the year."  I'd have used my intuition and my empathy to take care of myself and my son's teacher, said,  "It's natural to want to compare the kids. Yet they are incomparible and you have no idea how hard this teacher works with them. Let us go meet and talk with her."

Had she still continued with her aside comment,    "Have you heard of Thomas?  I can get your son together with him."  I'd might have said, "If that is a serious issue for you, let us discuss it later."  Or more boldly, "I'd like you to let me bring that up, when it is  more appropriate. Not in his teacher's home." 

But by letting her be, I got to see just how far she would go.  

Only yesterday, I discovered my friend went up to my husband, to present the same idea. Hubby, bless his heart, took it a lot less seriously. He told her that was up to our son. Thinking she would get the message,  to let it go. 

But, she  took the next logical step!   When she saw my son again, she asked him  (he was lounging bored in a chair), wouldn't he like to try out a new teacher ( right in the same room as our teacher, who thankfully was deep in conversation.).  I was there and my natural snarkiness came out then.  I looked at our son, and said drily, "He doesn't look very interested, does he?"   All the words that wanted to come out of me before that moment had been on hold because I did not want to be rude!!!

I had to laugh when hubby told me about his part in our drama. That is when I realized that my friend had  heard DH say to her.  "Ask our son."  The logic of persistence.   If I had only been able to laugh, then.    Instead, the whole situation left me anxious and ashamed. Two attitudes I did not need that night.  

I analyze and re-analyze when my self-esteem takes a hit.  I got myself in such a tizzy, I even wished I had been completely honest and set a boundary for the future.

( I like to think I can prevent future problems, by educating and speaking my mind, using every inch of my 5 foot 4 and eyes of blue to take charge!)
I imagined myself confronting her, saying,   "It feels to me like you are assuming my parental duties."     

Ah but let go, Smitty, my HP would say. You've struggled long enough with using your brain on this one.

Now I have to vent, so my HP (and you all) can know my truth.    I can't stand it when I sense people  try to fix me (or my family):  as if I don't have the wherewithal to do our life right!   F  is not a musical professional , she was intimating she would be a  go-between with this new teacher.  She may have been acting out of concern, but she "forgot" about some important concerns our family has right now about moving.   I am not exactly comfortable  switching teachers mid year,  as we could be moving as early as May of 2012.  It is not fair to take press our son towards a more lofty goal, I don't think, and leave two teachers in the lurch.   I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she does not "get" the etiquette of the music community.

And perhaps there is something for me to learn from this interaction, that involves me taking less responsibility for others behavior and more for my own.  Hmmm..

To tell a friend, or not?