I am glad that in Al-anon we learn to pay attention to our own behavior, thoughts and feelings. "We deserve this attention and we need it."
I learned recently that, focusing on me doesn't mean that I let other people walk all over me, pretending not to notice. It means that I know my thoughts and make the choice to act when it is possible for me to know what "right action" might be. I think the reason my program buddy called me on the damage I had allowed my mom in her phone calls, was that he was afraid I was "telling" her that whatever she does is acceptable. Did he also think my taking my dry-drunk mom's phone calls, was me refraining from caring about the loved ones with whom I live each day?
I see myself as having attempted to focus on myself, by letting the the situation be as it is, seeing my the option of acceptance open to me, instead of options my mom had, to change her behaviors. I considered that what I had in my power to change was my ability to accept, instead of expecting others to do the changing. By my acceptance of my mom's inabilities, MY problems have a better chance of getting solved. Certainly I was able to leave the conversation in my HP's hands.
Today, if I am troubled, I will allow myself the time to see the situation as it is, before acting. The reading in Today's CTC helps me set my intention: "I will not wait for anyone else to change, but will focus on myself and the part I can play in making the situation a better one."
"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." Ralph Waldo Emerson