How Would You Like to Live in a House Like This?

It is the mid-70's. 

My mom, conserving water and energy, in a state where natural gas and water is cheap, believes in once a week baths.  She governs the thermostat, with hard, fast rules.  She controls when it goes on and off.  Compassion for tells me it was because of her time in Europe as a refugee and the eldest of seven children.

But today I think of my own journey, and how I tried to be a normal American teenager,  managing  a scalp that produces olive oil. 

I have to find a way to cope.  So I decide one morning that I must wash my hair by stealth.  5:00 am in the winter. It is very dark when I rise. 

I creep down the stairs to the first floor half bathroom, bringing a bottle of shampoo with me. Beneath the tap in the tiny sink I lower my head and turn the tap on hot until the water is warm enough.  Even this is testing the boundary. I am not supposed to use hot water except for washing dishes.  I try to wash and rinse my hair out as thoroughly as possible, but it is long.  I am not sure if I have all the soap rinsed out, and the towel I find in the bathroom is not clean. Realizing I have forgotten a comb, I run my fingers through my shoulder length snarls.

I don’t want to have her body odor either, but that will have to wait until tonight.  When I wash up with cold water. 

Now to dry my hair.  There is no hair drier because my mom doesn’t need to wash her hair, she wears wigs.  I turn on the heat, just enough so that it will cycle on for a few minutes.  Also verboten.  As the heat kicks on, I draw in my breath and I pray that it won’t wake my still-sleeping parents.

I wave my head back and forth, and flip my hair over the floor heating duct as the furnace breaths and I know it is a race against time now.  But the air feels good in this cold house, and maybe it is not that loud, after all. I go into a bit of trance and relax as I realize that my hair is going to be dry enough, soon.

Suddenly there is an acceleration of footsteps. Who arrives first and what they say exactly I cannot recall.  I just remember being caught in the midst of crouching head down with my hair hanging low, over the heater. To my mom it looks like time to break my spirit of this insubordination!  She orders my father to get the belt.

He comes down in the dark. Is it because he does not want us to really see each other’s faces?  My back remains turned towards him, but then I am told by my mom to face them and face the consequences.

The consequences of what? Wanting hygiene that will make me acceptable to my peers? Of spending their good money to appear attractive to anyone?

Does my dad really believe this?  I want to yell at them and say, what kind of idiot house is this? How the hell do I get out of here?

What date is this and how many more months until I can be free and leave legally?

This time I don’t think to myself that my dad didn’t have a choice. He did have a choice and he did not make the one that was sane, in my defense. And at an ungodly hour, before he even rises to go to work.

My next commitment to clean hair, has me keeping shampoo, comb and a towel in my locker at school. My mom, bless her heart, got me an exemption from P.E., so I don’t know anything about how to access school showers. I don’t ask anyone either. I take up shop an hour before school starts every other day, to wash my hair and dry it  (again by shaking, but in the air, not over a heater).   I feel slightly brain shocked after shaking my head so long. And the bathroom often hosts secret smokers. But at least my hair looks clean and I fit in.

I am not going to look like a World War II refugee, and I am not letting the brutal boundaries of my mom stop me from enjoying clean hair.

But what I face for at least a year is my mom questioning me from her bed, each morning as I leave, before she gets up.  She puts on her glasses long enough to see and approve of what I am wearing, and she says in a phlegmy voice, “Why are you leaving so early? You’re not going into the bushes with any boys are you?”

A Meeting in Three Parts, Part Two: Uncertainty is a Part of Faith

It is possible that my story confused a woman at our meeting.  I had spoken, interpreting the reading I shared yesterday, and how it related to my recent experiences with electronic communication, where it can be to easy to offend. And then I shared on where I was in my FOO, in being direct and setting boundaries before I feel offended.

The less-experienced member expressed how much doubt she felt, in making her own choices,  directing her speech to the leader. She rambled a bit, and we tried to follow her, then she asked if what she was saying was still on topic.

That is when our gracious leader, looked in the index of Courage to Change, for a reading on doubt,  and found this:

I often struggle to know what is my will and what is God's. I feel serenity slipping from me while a war is waged within my mind and loud voices urge me to take one path or another.

Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seekers. I don't have an instruction book, so I must continue to explore and challenge my perceptions. I know that to explore and challenge perceptions. I know that when I feel a desperate urge to act, it is usually my will that is pushing, and when I feel a calm certainty, it is usually God's. But much of the time, I don't have such a clear indication. What then? Sometimes I wait for clarity or try to listen more closely for guidance; I may share my confusion and for the wisdom of others; or I may just make a choice, take an action, and see what happens. More will be revealed when the time is right, no matter what choice I make. Since I have turned my will and my life over to God and any choice I make can be used to carry out his will.

Today's I will remember that uncertainty is not a fault, but an opportunity. Everything I do and everything that crosses my path--people, places, ideas--all have the potential to contribute to my growth and understanding. Just for today, I don't have to know what that contribution will be.

"There lives more faith in honest doubt, Believe me, than in half the creeds." Alfred, Lord Tennyson

(3/9)

A Meeting in Three Parts: Part One, Forgiveness

Ever since I arrived in my new community, I have attended a particular Al-anon meeting, one that I know follows the approved meeting guidelines.  

When DH went out of town for five days, I found myself in the midst of a clash on a list serve in another program. I thought I was trying to reason things out with someone there, in a private email, sent with the best of intents, and this person simply write me off.

I  was told not to email her again. Period. 

I hurt so much,  I knew I needed face-to-face contact. But I had a time conflict and could not attend my usual cross-talk-free meeting.  So,  I chose to attend the "other" meeting in Alanon, 

I arrived in pain, praying that I, with my ideas of how a meeting "should" look, not  end up offending others, by asking that no one cross-talk my share. Please?

By God's grace, I never had to ask for special treatment.  My heart was open, and I was listening so closely to the leader's voice, that  I stayed close to tears the entire meeting.

The person leading that night, was a relative newcomer to Alanon. She had humility and grace.  I arrived after she decided to start the meeting on the topic of forgiveness.  As she read the words I am about to share,  I came to realize it was forgiveness I was hoping for from the person I had clashed with online.   

{Before Program,] forgiveness meant power to me.  I could judge the offender--the person who wasn't doing what I wanted--and then exercise my power by showing that I could rise above the offense and magnanimously bestow forgiveness. But I would never forget what had been done.

Today I know that forgiveness has nothing to do with power. It does not give me control. Forgiveness is simply a reminder that I am on equal footing with every other child of God. We all do good and noble things at times; on other occasions we may offend. I have no right to judge, punish, or to absolve anyone. When I behave self-righteously, I am the one who suffers--I separate myself from my fellow human beings, focus on others, and keep busy with hateful and negative thoughts. By taking this attitude I tell myself that I am a victim, so I remain a victim. The most forgiving thing I can do is to remember that my job is not to judge others, but to think and behave in a way that makes me feel good.

Today's Reminder

I don't know the motives or circumstances that cause another's behavior. I do know that when I hold on to resentments and blame, I occupy my spirit with bitterness. Today I will find a more nurturing way to fill myself up.

"You can't hold a man down without staying down with him." Booker T. Washington 

(3/15 Courage to Change)

Singing Orthodox Easter, through the Rear View Window

I feel my changes have been significant during this season.

And even if they had been small, I know that they have effected the world I share with others. This is so, because having a relationship with my environment, I cannot help but have some impact on it.

Even when the change is all on the inside, I change the world, because I give out a different message to the world, and so its answers to me change too.
Through even my tiniest efforts in clearing a space for God during the Lenten season (and clearing a space in my life to renew my commitment to program), I allow more of God's love to flow through me, into the world, contributing more to the world than I can comprehend.

Easter Morning, I celebrated that I had created clearing space to attend a writers' conference in my new home region. That was my Easter gift this year, and right on schedule too, for Orthodox Easter. 

I feel transformed by the wilderness I have explored and tamed this spring. I have found transformation in clearing chaos, and letting light into my creative life. 

Today, I launched a new writing work as a result of my spring insights and the commitment I made to launching two longer works. One will be an anthology of recovery stories from mental illness, which I will be editing; and at this conference I began my search for a publisher.

The other is a memoir of emotional/mental illness that I hope to complete a first draft of, by this time next year. 

I look at this Lenten season, and I am struck with how quickly my Higher Power has planted something good in the clearing space of my new life.  I know some of what I will experience will be painful, and some joyful.

There is freedom here, however.

Tonight I sang about some of this in our spring concert, in which we sang a lot of songs about the Arisen One, and nicely time too, for a Second Celebration of Easter!

We sang a beautiful round called, When Jesus Wept, which is easily found on U-tube...  and finished with some commissioned works by Josephanye Powell, which she led us in gospel style.  

It was a perfect Easter celebration for someone like myself, who is nearly always late!

Consecrating my Program During Holy Week

It strikes me that, in its earliest stages, program  creates  bare ground which we cultivate by doing those preliminary steps.  Some of those who are just beginning this work,  may already be "blessed with new growth."

Even if your garden is as long-established as mine, there is still new ground and naturally, places that have gotten weedy. I've needed to rededicate my ground to my HP.

In this final week of Lent, let me look for the ways I have already been blessed, by this year's practice, and the new clearing I created for this study. Let me dedicate the fruits of my labor to my HP, while also appreciating whatever labors I have made personally!

This is a time to think of my cleared ground and its new growth, as holy.

I find it interesting to think of Moses' being called, out of his ordinary everyday work herding sheep, to the mountainous wilderness, where he saw a bush burning. Curiously, it was not consumed by flames.

In the midst of this wonder, Moses  heard his name called. Then he heard the order to remove his shoes. For he was on holy ground. Once he realized the enormity of the situation, and that this was his HP speaking, he had to close his eyes.

Removing his shoes, he exposes his tender feet to the holy ground. Only when he stops looking at God with his eyes, which are quick to judge,  is he  able to relate to God using his inner eye instead. 

Shoes removed, eyes closed, vulnerable, trusting, open---this is a way to approach what is holy in our lives, using our own inner eye.

"The land we stand on, the land we have worked ourselves, [can thus] be converted to a strange place, one transformed by God's presence."

Let me explore this new place, entrusting God to guide me and draw me closer to my own sacredness.

Setbacks, and Self-Forgiveness

What else is embedded in setbacks? The opportunity for self-forgiveness.

Oops, I guess I have been hard on myself in the aftermath of what I call "my Skype fiasco."  I wanted to fix things with everyone, and explain and make sure I learned all the lessons, so I might not repeat them again.

And I also wanted to go and "correct" folks who take the meeting into their own hands and initiate the call, when the host (in this case, me) is supposed to do it.

All water under the bridge, the past is past, so forgiveness really is the healthiest option, so as to move forward in God's grace.  

The Savior tells us in his Holy words, that we must forgive others seven times seven times. So, why should I not do the same on my own behalf. And forgive myself when I miss the mark that I have set, for achievement? 

Hmm. Exactly why do I not forgive myself? Or look for a scapegoat when I CAN'T forgive myself?

Most times I AM much better at forgiving others, than I can forgive myself. I treat others gently, and hold myself to a higher standard. I might on get mad at someone else when they get in my way of being good enough. 

"Seeing myself objectively is challenging, as I am locked in my own mind. To see myself objectively I have to see myself as I would see another person, in the same situation. When another person hurts me, I am able to perceive the pain as coming from outside of me, so it is possible for me to choose anger or forgiveness for them."

 When I have self-blame it is so much harder to see what I did as separate from the pain. If I have self-blame it is harder to understand its source, and what to do with it. When I take time to be aware of the ways I hurt myself, I can begin to understand myself better and forgive my actions towards myself.

Yes, I can see that setbacks offer me ample chances to practice self-forgiveness! Each time I slip in establishing a new discipline, there is that opportunity. 

A crossroads, actually.  Recognizing that crossroads, consistently, is the hardest part. It is when I see that I have a choice, between judgment and forgiveness, that I have the real power to forgive. 

Do you think that self-criticism is way to reinforce discipline?  To forgive oneself, does not diminish the commitment, rather it acknowledges that we are human and will slip. We deserve forgiveness for our honesty. We don't need to be whipped in order to persevere.

When I forgive myself I don't make excuses, or pretend something did not happen. Instead, i say, "You made an error, and I feel compassionate towards you for trying."  Forgiveness allows me to  let go and move forward and learn from the mistake. 

Whenever I commit myself to change, there will always be set backs, or opportunities to relearn (or unlearn). When I practice self-forgiveness, it benefits those around me, too. Through practicing self-forgiveness, and experiencing its effect on ourselves, we increase our capacity of compassion for others' mistakes too.

Setbacks Happen, Even When Leading a Meeting

I've stressed my right arm this past week. My arm tried  to get my full attention Sunday last. It made me suspect I might not want to "soldier on" in making a Skype meeting happen. It actually moved me to ask for help in conducting the meeting.  

Anyway. I wanted to be able bodied AND as competent as the usual meeting host of this Sunday Skype group.  Oh, and function like an adroit extrovert as well. Yeah, right. 

However, in doing my best to set up the meeting (by inviting everyone who had their green light on), I overworked my trapezius and arm muscles, so that I had nothing more to give of myself physically to the meeting. 

My ace in the hole, was that I would get help in leading the meeting. Knowing that, helped me soldier on and show up to host the meeting.

I was relying on that special someone who knows how to lead a meeting matter-of-factly. Only, we didn't get that person called in, because another eager person took the helm, and it was 20 minutes into the conversation before I realized I'd needed to question my assumptions about that.

And,  I'd discovered I had downloaded the documents into the wrong Skype conversation and would have to redo this task, while leading the meeting (because no one was willing to volunteer and speak us through the preamble)!  Multi-tasking in cyberspace, is not conducive for me to keep my cool, especially when my body is saying, "I can't do this, without a set back."

Meanwhile no one was able to volunteer to do the things my arm was telling me I ought not to be doing. 

Well, in my need to serve, I misused my right arm, in a pique of emotional frustration, at a time when my body was most taxed by the high pollen counts of our Southeast temperate forests. Dunno about you all, but when I get frustrated, I tend to get tight in my arm and shoulders just out of habit. So there it was. Perfect storm.  Only good thing, was I think I spared letting my frustrations out on anyone. In the end, I was able to laugh at myself. 

But I could not laugh at my setback.  

Oddly enough, I am a person who often wings meetings, because I have done them face-to-face often enough. It was my slavish devotion to following established rules set by this group, that kept me from simply pulling out my guidelines from my face-to-face meeting in order to lead. It is not THAT big of deal to vary the meeting preamble, yet in this case, I felt like I would be a failure and incompetent if I colored outside the established lines!

My body's response is sure is a reality check for that kind of thinking. Wow.

The call to be myself,  lies hidden in just such kinds of pain and setbacks.

I realize, I needed to check in with my Higher Power, in order to serve the EA community in a way that was respectful of my limitations.  I did not need to  try to be super-competent in the same way as the meeting's usual fearless leader.  I suspect I needed to return to the God-ground beneath my feet; the notes I had at hand from my own meeting, that I had created from a group conscience in my previous face-to-face meeting. 

Parsons reminds me that my very being "grows out of God, and [my] best work will never be mine alone. When I try to work alone, a blessed setback comes along to remind [me]  to look again for the real place from which my [service] flows."  

It really is OK to fail and not be like our program founders. We do not have to be McDonald's, consistent and always the same, We can improvise, even in program. Sometimes it gives permission to others to try out something new themselves.

I know guidelines are always subject to change. 

Common sense can be my first priority, and remind me it is OK to use my own unique common sense. Truths of the program are so universal, that I think I can trust myself by now, to put them in my own words.

When I could not get my arm around cutting and pasting the Step Four readings for that month, I could have (just for that day) had a meeting guided by a hard copy of one of our pieces of literature. 

A worse-case scenerio is that a meeting leader tells the group what meeting it is, that it meets for an hour and that we follow the Twelve Steps and Traditions. It can be fine to read just the Steps and Traditions and explain that our group allows each person to speak without comment, and that we avoid cross talk so each person has a chance to share without anyone giving advice or getting distracted from their own issues. 

We can each wing a meeting, if necessary, so that it actually happens!  I'd rather have a meeting be authentic, with a person adapting what they know, than having a leader communicate that  leading meeting requires suffering.... 

I had my priorities skewed, through no one's fault but my own. The paradox, is that I learned something: it is OK for me to be authentic and trust my own voice to carry the meeting.

Geesh.

Powerless sometimes over my lack of perspective.  Where is Humor Power when I need it?

With Humor Power, I am at my most willing... to depend on God, and admit my limitations.

In the love, trust and autonomy of my own person,

Smitty