June 4, 2016

Being Human, is like a Guesthouse

I so appreciate the poem of a well-known mystic, about a guesthouse.  He encouraged his readers to be fully human and embrace what is messy. Who knows, it  might be clearing us out for something better!   

For me, depression and ennui linger.   Of course, this program does not promise fast results. I believe it does promise  to help heal us and help us welcome one another as treasured guests.

My uninvited guests have not cleared out yet!  Yes,  I want for them to be gone!  But banning these guests is only going to turn them into  rebels. 

From Smitty, who would rather be loving, and loved,  than right.  To paraphrase afresh the long-standing program question, "Would you rather be right or happy?"

Thanks, Carol, for your fresh take on that Slogan

May 26, 2016

Inner Critic and All Its Parts

I am hoping that someone in my orbit in cyberspace is familiar with Internal Family Systems theory. Oh I know, I don't like jargon either.  

That said, I know I have an Inner Critic at work in me and it is working overtime. It is keeping me from enjoying even the simplest aspects of life.  

Well, Jay Earley has devoted himself to Internal Family Systems and sees us as having more than one type of Inner Critic.  Or should I say he sees the Inner Critic as having many parts (or roles it tries to take on)—there's the Taskmaster, Perfectionist, Inner Controller, Underminer, Guilt Tripper, Conformist, and Destroyer. He's invited me and others to take the coming nine weeks to discover which ones are the most harmful to us. You can even take this quiz, using the link, to learn which of these types are the most trouble for you.  If I recall correctly, my top four were Perfectionist, Conformist, Underminer, and Destroyer. Just the word Destroyer has me scared.

I am not promoting his work, but if you take the test, to get the results you will need to have a login id and password.  I don't think this will get you on his email list, but if it does you can always unsubscribe. Dr. Earley is more concerned with helping people than spamming them.

May 19, 2016

When I wrote these words

Some days I find myself writing as if I were my usual self.  I am glad for that touchstone. Voila, Just for Today I am me!

When I wrote this words I was in a rough place, and I know a big reason for this is that I don't yet have close friends in my current community.  I am grateful that others locally do know I've had a relapse.  I just want my "old" self back.  I'd understood that with age and with devotion to the program mantras, I'd be able to claim recovery.  What I've discovered for me is that depression has taken root. It's a hard weed for me to pull up. I don't want use poison.

I don't want chocolate cake; I want good solid nutrition. I want to be known. I feel like a sloth.  Trying to love myself anyways.  God knows I can't do recovery alone.

HP says judge not lest ye be judged. I'm traveling the dark night of the soul with my humble candle; I want to be there for my family--but first I need to be there for myself.  I am glad for each of you that believes.

Love and peace,  staying the course, ~Victorious

May 18, 2016

What Helps, Depression?

I ask you because I don't want to give up. I want to bring my Alanon program to the feeling of depression I have.

But sadly, I still want to go back to my old home town, where I could swim laps and enjoy the water over my body, year round.

I don't want this as an excuse anymore!

May 16, 2016

Depression, How Do I Fear Thee

Lately, depression is my endless companion--it holds tight for each of the  six hours of the ennui that follows my true awakening.  Depression’s voice hisses, “You are never going to get back to normal. I’m not going to let you. I am keeping my eye on you so that you can’t come up with your tricks.  Gratitude may not work here.  Do you dare pick up the spade and bury me, or do I have you in thrall, that you’d bury your self here?”

Beside me in bed, that dent you left is occupied, by depression, its voice a hiss.  

No, I say, this is not depression, this is terror, and I need to fight it.  But where is my wand?  My want?  The friends I need to cheer me on?  I think many of you have visited this scary place that tries to claim you for its own. 

I need to let go of 'its' hand and reach for yours.

I am grateful that Depression can be named here. I am grateful to put what I feel and fear into words. I am grateful to be on the other side of getting out of the bed, at least for today. I am grateful for an art class I committed to for the next few weeks. I am grateful for being able to reach out to some of you with my shares.

I pray I won’t be triggering.  I'm going to outlast this.  There. And so I  pray for laughter, to lighten the load. My counselor today suggested I turn to watch the Roadrunner. He dared me to not laugh. Beep beep.

March 29, 2016

Joy and Play~

"The real joy of life is in its play. Play is anything we do for the joy and love of doing it, apart from any profit, compulsion, or sense of duty. It is the real living of life with the feeling of freedom and self expression."  Walter Rauschenbusch 

March 24, 2016

Taking Your Work to the Big Tent

While I belong to a very helpful list serve in EA (Emotions Anonymous), it has stricter boundaries than I sometimes need.  Truly, I find it really helpful to fellowship with others who have AA, NA and Alanon experiences.  That's when I take my work out into a member-initiate list serve for 12-steppers that is housed in the Big Tent.

When I need to share a finished work, complete with cited quotes, that borrow from Sister program (or inspirational authors outside of program),  I take my work out into the world out of the small tent of EA's top down list serve, into a bigger, softer, member-initiated Tent.  We still have good boundaries, but they flex to allow signature quotes and a group conscience vote when needed.

I have a choice and so do you.  We are an autonomous accepting group of Emotions Anonymous members who dare simply to be ourselves and co-create a recovery method that is no holds barred.  Ask me about how to join a tolerant program that interweaves problems with people, substances, places, things and emotions.

If you'd like to the next step and participate daily in a path to emotional healing, using EA's Twelve Steps, please join us our autonomous group on Big Tent at