December 31, 2016

When a Program Friend Unloads

I received a tough letter from someone I thought was a long-term friend in my program.   I've rewritten it so that I feel less of a sting. 

"Dear Smitty,  

Thank you for your note of appreciation.

Now I would appreciate that you respect my choice--that you not be in contact with me.

It will be tough for you to understand, perhaps.  But. I do not want endless explanations or for us to engage in run-on circle talk, trying to figure things out.   I've unfortunately come to question your sincerity and stability. I have forgiven you many times for what have seemed recently like digs/back-stabbing to me,  over years,  but no longer. I don't want any apologies, and can no longer accommodate your short-comings.

Perhaps you won't understand.  I wish I had been able to tell this to you much earlier, before things got to feeling so bad at my end.

As you have a hard time understanding the concept of detaching,  I am making double sure you are warned of my boundaries. You have written short notes to me a few times already and I chose not to respond.   Please respect my boundaries by not emailing/contacting me in any form, otherwise I will have to inform those that moderate our list serve.  

I hope you won't need to rebut these words on any public forum  It is, however, your patterning. You cannot just accept a fact without dissecting it to pieces.  

You seem to have head games/jabs/flip-flop antics and are a big chocolate mess. I hope you will learn from this email and grow in ways that are less confusing for folks in recovery."

Yes, I hope to learn how to love myself despite the criticism that comes to me from out in left field. I have things to learn, and teamwork is one of them.  

1 comment:

  1. I just need to say how much rewriting the email I received, helped me. I took out the most hurtful messages, which were "you" messages, which our program actually advises us not to do. Our program cautions against criticizing and unsolicited advice-giving.

    The person, who judged me more harshly in their email than I ever judged them, spoke to me in a way that would indicate their recovery was at the most vulnerable stages, and that they had given me a lot more power to hurt them than I ever wanted. I was never back-biting. Flip-floppy, maybe, as I am a work in progress, ever learning. I tried so many ways of being on the list serve of Emotions Anonymous.

    Today I can see where I need to make amends, and that those amends must start with me being kind to myself. I think I have taken that first step, of admitting powerlessness over what others think of me, but not of what I think of myself.

    Rewriting the letter, and honoring the way I learned to set boundaries--with love--in Alanon, was one such way of showing myself that I do indeed love myself.

    In peace to all, from the perspective of a new day.



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