Reflection on Step Three, a Haiku

Made a Decision

There's power in choice.
I cut free from outgrown ways.
Let Spirit lead me...

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Decisio (literally): a cutting off

(I do believe this power is being unleashed in me too, as I let Spirit lead me to our next home, and begin to let go of outgrown THINGS.)

The Steps beginning to Round

But did I really jump 10 steps ahead only to "fall back down" to Step One?  Not if I see the Steps on a clock face with 12 at the top, and 11 at an eleven o-'clock position. 

And myself at the Center. 

With this image in mind, I can make sense of my having to move to Step Eleven in order for introspection, then forward to Step Twelve to "apply" a program principle to my current affairs. When I needed to reclaim humility and admit where I was still powerless, Step One was easily reachable. In a meeting I might find myself readying to "take" Step Two, because  belief in a Higher Power looks really easy when I see recovery in other program participants' victories.  But then I might naturally move back to the Center of my circle, to reconsider.  And step back into to Step Eleven for integration, introspection and continued prayer. 


I suspect that my recovery had me moving back and forth on this arc, between 11 and 2 until it felt more easeful, and I became ready to move on. 

As I "made up" my own particular dance, I found myself on a moving wheel,  beginning to move naturally through the Steps. With a  bit more practice,  I gained enough experience to strengthen my belief (in Step Two) AND become  willing (in Step Three) to turn my life over more and more to my HP.

With the active faith in a Higher Power, I would find the courage necessary for Step Four.  

Back in Step, God's Waltz: Step Three

I tried reading from personal stories in EA's Big Book today.     I needed a reading that would get me past my apparent lack of faith.  I found no reading that had a relapse in it, like the one I had recently.

I am glad that CTC's author today spoke about Step Three.  Actually I have been stumped about how to work Step Three,  ever since I got back home from Thanksgiving's emotional malaise.  I've done the Step before.  It actually seemed easy, especially the first time I did the Steps. But now it seems like the words are in another language.

It is easy for me to admit unmanageability  (Step One) and know where it comes from in my peculiar emotional makeup.  I don't have to face God yet, in that step.  Step Two comes with some ease in repetition:  I am willing to believe in a return to sanity that is in the hands of the Wise One.

In Step Three, I made the decision that "God can take my burdens if I let Him." Take my burdens? After my fall, I feel so ashamed, that it seems to me that I must debase myself, to make myself small enough for God to have mercy on me.

To decide to turn my will and my life over to God (Step Three) requires live Faith--the byproduct of studying Steps One and Two.   I might get the two-step just fine, but the waltz?

How apropos that today's author compares surrender to dancing with a partner!    If I am the partner needing to show willingness, and I am broken in my faith, I cannot lead-- for I will lack in my awareness of my HP's will for me. At best, forward movement will get painful and awkward. We'll be out of step. 

Consider today's reminder in CTC:

"If I feel the bucking of uncertainty, despair, or fear, I can take it as a sign that I have gotten out of step. Then I can ask the God of my understanding to help me be a more willing partner."

"There are no guarantees that life will turn out the way we like, but the program has shown me be God's will is the only way; it is up to me to to work with Him and turn my life and will over to  His care and guidance."  In All Our Affairs