Limbo Large and Broad... Entering Paradise?

Our family is not alone in our state of limbo of course. I've shared that all the researchers at my husband's work place await reassigment. That right there helps in handling the enforced uncertainty.

Like in our Programs, together we have Strength.

But each day I have a more poignant touchstone that keeps me honest and helps me not indulge in private pity parties.  One of  DH's fellow scientists lives nearby and his wife is in a very different limbo. J is accepting a diagnosis of cancer, with great courage. We want her to outlive her dis-ease. We have prayed for this ever since she first discovered her cancer in late summer of 2009, before we had any inkling of our shared work-related fate.

J and her husband are dealing so well with uncertainty that they have a whole community gathering round them, because the way they are living this time is so inspirational to us all.  I see how being open about vulnerabilities and having faith is healing for everyone with whom we have contact. 

I tell my DH  that our little family are on borrowed time, but these friends are in such a more challenging place and bearing it with great dignity and humor. Perhaps that has raised the bar for our family?  I know for sure it has made us aware that we can reclaim our faith day to day. It has also made us aware of living at peace with the present moment. It truly is all we've got. 

"Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go."  Brooks Atkinson

Sitting Here in Limbo

It has been nine months and counting, since we first heard DH's workplace was on the "block" to be cut from this year's federal budget.  Now we look to January 15th for final news, to tell us how he and his colleagues will be used in their next location.

All last summer, we were in denial, hoping it would not be closed. We were powerless to do much speaking up, fearful of making our situation worse politically.

Finally we made peace with the inevitability of it all. We accepted his workplace would close, but have waited an eternity for the official announcement of closing. Really it has been like living in limbo. 


DH and his colleagues, the scientists, have plenty to do, but the gates are shut and every non-employee at the gate has to be let in. That's what the beginning of closure means. I guess real closure happens when the last person turns out the light. 

All this waiting has me falling in love again with our current home town, wanting to stay. Meanwhile DH has come to realize that being willing to leave will be better for his career. What a Catch-22. 

We wonder and wander. We've watched fear come and go among DH's colleagues.  I heard more laughter in the "last supper" (the office Christmas party) than ever before.  DH found out today that his body has been handling his stress for him. Pain finally got his attention, and he had to go to his dentist to have his jaw looked at. Too much clenching, probably while at work!

There was big stress in November, when a local politician decided that the research equipment at the facility was up for grabs, because it was not "needed."  The scientists have not yet been reassigned to their new jobs, but most will be doing research at their new locations and need to know first whether they will be needing the tools in their new location. There will be no money to replace equipment that is taken prematurely.

The timing of the disappearing equipment was bad for morale.  So, I just kept saying to my husband, THAT is not right. You need to keep speaking up about it, until that is remedied. He and others did keep speaking and it WAS remedied.  

So now we face, with faith, the decision being made for us.  DH says we will hear in less than two weeks... So it is countdown time.  Countdown until January 15th. I guess I can honor this time, by looking it in the face. That's better than being in denial.

I know I am powerless over my future emotional state. I'm just glad that for now I have given up nail biting.  

I can sit on pins and needles, or I can live my life. I choose to live my life.

I also choose to NOT attach to January 15th as the Day to Know.  I figure when it comes to government agencies... time is a bit more like soft taffy.... I am looking ahead to Valentines, and if we hear earlier, then I  will begin to practice a program of greater action. Fewer words.

"Limbo is basically a metaphor anyways...it's this place where you are neither here nor there.. and so many people live that kind of life."   John Sayles