January 6, 2012

Sitting Here in Limbo

It has been nine months and counting, since we first heard DH's workplace was on the "block" to be cut from this year's federal budget.  Now we look to January 15th for final news, to tell us how he and his colleagues will be used in their next location.

All last summer, we were in denial, hoping it would not be closed. We were powerless to do much speaking up, fearful of making our situation worse politically.

Finally we made peace with the inevitability of it all. We accepted his workplace would close, but have waited an eternity for the official announcement of closing. Really it has been like living in limbo. 

DH and his colleagues, the scientists, have plenty to do, but the gates are shut and every non-employee at the gate has to be let in. That's what the beginning of closure means. I guess real closure happens when the last person turns out the light. 

All this waiting has me falling in love again with our current home town, wanting to stay. Meanwhile DH has come to realize that being willing to leave will be better for his career. What a Catch-22. 

We wonder and wander. We've watched fear come and go among DH's colleagues.  I heard more laughter in the "last supper" (the office Christmas party) than ever before.  DH found out today that his body has been handling his stress for him. Pain finally got his attention, and he had to go to his dentist to have his jaw looked at. Too much clenching, probably while at work!

There was big stress in November, when a local politician decided that the research equipment at the facility was up for grabs, because it was not "needed."  The scientists have not yet been reassigned to their new jobs, but most will be doing research at their new locations and need to know first whether they will be needing the tools in their new location. There will be no money to replace equipment that is taken prematurely.

The timing of the disappearing equipment was bad for morale.  So, I just kept saying to my husband, THAT is not right. You need to keep speaking up about it, until that is remedied. He and others did keep speaking and it WAS remedied.  

So now we face, with faith, the decision being made for us.  DH says we will hear in less than two weeks... So it is countdown time.  Countdown until January 15th. I guess I can honor this time, by looking it in the face. That's better than being in denial.

I know I am powerless over my future emotional state. I'm just glad that for now I have given up nail biting.  

I can sit on pins and needles, or I can live my life. I choose to live my life.

I also choose to NOT attach to January 15th as the Day to Know.  I figure when it comes to government agencies... time is a bit more like soft taffy.... I am looking ahead to Valentines, and if we hear earlier, then I  will begin to practice a program of greater action. Fewer words.

"Limbo is basically a metaphor anyways...it's this place where you are neither here nor there.. and so many people live that kind of life."   John Sayles

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