It is still January-- I have been contemplating the fact that I have chosen not to have any New Year's resolutions.
Instead, I've deciding to have a goal in my program this year--to become a little more accepting of myself, a little more comfortable in my own skin.
Like many of us, I learned early to condemn my self for my imperfections. This self-condemnation, learned at a parent's knee, has never helped me to appreciate my life or helped me to love myself more. As an adult I sometimes fight habitual self-condemnation. It might worsen when another person says something to me that seems to focus on one of my own flaws. Before I add to the hurt, let me remember God does not make junk. I need not attack anyone else for their "apparent" condemnation, either.
Even after much time in recovery, I still have real limitations and flaws that are mine alone to discover. Step Four is where I might take time to write down the things I condemn myself for. With practice I begin to see what triggers condemning thoughts. I do my best to practice being aware of my thoughts, knowing only a trusted Higher Power can remove harsh thoughts and the flaws that trigger them.
I will take time today to acknowledge my efforts and to trust the process of the program. I need not become impatient with myself, even if someone else gets impatient with me. Let me focus on my own expectations, realizing mine are the only ones I can change.
Can I let go of all condemnation for this one day? "Maybe I will see that I am already on a spiritual path of self-improvement. Every tiny step I take on that path moves me closer to wholeness, health and serenity."
It is said that, "ours is a gentle, healing program." Let me stop expecting that recovery has already happened or that it will happen overnight! I will remember to be gentle with myself today, trusting that the healing will come.
"Today I can accept myself for what I am because I know that whatever happens I have a Higher Power and ...people who love me anyway."
Inspired by January 19th's reading in Courage to Change