April 20, 2011

The Miracle. Of Loving Myself Anyways

Twenty years ago, I came into the program in deep pain.   I was desperate enough to open myself without much question, and use the program as it was.   As I listened to others share, I heard so much gratitude that I learned that people's experiences did not matter as much as their stories about them.  My interpretation of my own story is everything.   I have a choice in how to interpret it, based on my attitude.

At one point in my recovery, I still expected happiness to come from my parents. I thought I was unlovable, because they were unable to express love and approval in a way that made sense to me.

I agree with the author of April 16th Courage to Change. "It's time to stop waiting for others to take care of me. I am worth caring for, and I am the only person who can love me the way I want to be loved. If I let myself know who I am I will find self-love."

With program's help, today I see the dilemma of my painful childhood much differently. Lovability comes from my valuing myself today, not from what my parent thought or still thinks about me. I have worth as an adult now.  Occasionally I may still miss the nurturing I never had from my parents. But today I appreciate the new life I have been given, through using the steps, and becoming honest, open and willing.  When I feel sad, I can comfort myself.  Most days, I appreciate myself for remaining committed to this path of self-growth.

I sometimes have yearnings, especially when I see my son get his needs met so easily. He takes this for granted!  But I can be happy, however my needs are met today, and am especially grateful when I can give to someone else, what I was not given as a child. 

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