August 15, 2011

When My Recovery Forum "Bit" Me

At one time it helped me to heal my more deep anger by speaking about it on a list serve where I have been a longgggg term member.    I'd write about my anger towards my mom in particular. 

Since drawing a boundary in private communication with someone in our 12-step forum who was railroading me,  I'm learning to do something different. I am quiet about my unfinished business now,  because I've become suddenly vulnerable to their visiting their anger and frustrations on me, using personal material I'd shared there.

What blew my mind is this person actually told me I was just like my mom. Ouch. And untrue.

Are special people like this, who declare war on me,   in my life for a good reason? Do they teach me to step back and go to a place of compassion and stop trying to explain myself?  Well such people certainly show me the futility of arguing back. It was high time that I finally learned,   written  words, even carefully chosen to be kind, can be misunderstood. I am a wuss and promptly admit it (Step ten).  

I can see that sometimes I may be looking for acceptance in the WRONG places.   I might be looking for tender loving care that I can only get from my HP and from surrendering the problem to God.  

Thanks to practicing diligently with my mom, I've decided not to take my pain BACK to anyone who attacks me with their anger right now. For a day or two, I might allow myself to step back and reflect on what a problem person's pain issues may be while I do my off-screen work. I know that when such folks are triggered it is usually something deep that only they can look at. They don't want or need someone like me pointing it out to them. 

Their anger is about them, and I don't know their story about how their anger is triggered. I can be both intelligent and intuitive and still not  give them the right medicine-- I am not God.  Exercising new restraint, and shutting up,  has been such a challenge!  At one level, I am grateful when someone trusts me enough to express anger or frustration with me.  I learn a lot from these encounters, as much as they genuinely hurt.  Now I wonder..... but do not know, if perhaps Love is the only answer to another person's anger, or misunderstanding,  turned my way.  Reciprocal action.... giving them the crap they gave me.... does not seem to be the right action.  I do believe that Ghandi had something to say about that I see repeated a lot lately on bumper stickers.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing! I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Looking for acceptance in the wrong places... wow, I did that for years. Finding that acceptance and love through our HP is a tough journey, but once I got there (and work to get back there when I stumble) it's a good place to be. Thank you again for sharing; this was a powerful read for me today.


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~