September 12, 2011

Doing it Wrong, Again? Really?

I seem to be holding onto September 11th, for yesterday's reading from Courage to Change  continues to resonate deeply with me. I, too,  struggle with self-doubt and inadequacy:

 "During the entire process of working on my Fourth Step (making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself), I felt a nagging suspicion that I was not doing it right. With my Higher Power's help, I finally realized that the problem wasn't that I had done my Fourth Step wrong; the fact was that I had the same sense of inadequacy about my whole life. Whatever I'm doing, I'm inclined to feel that I'm doing it wrong, that my best is not good enough. And that simply is not true. I am doing just fine."

I too find that each effort towards completing Step Four has held a feeling of angst for me. I've done the step, but continue to feel somehow it had never been done right. Or maybe I think it's because the Program's guidelines for this Step inadequate? Either way, it is by doing the step and looking at my inner conversation, that I gain the awareness I need  to put my "self-doubt into perpective."  I came to understand that my feelings of inadequacy were perfectly natural. For I had spent years trying to grow MYSELF up, in a family that lacked emotional wherewithal. I no longer need to blame myself or my family for my inadequacies...

As I grew into deeper and deeper work with Step Four I have grown up in more healthy ways.  Today,  I no longer swirl around the drain with my self doubts, giving them my full attention.  Now when those familiar feelings of inadequacy come up again (as they will), I recognize them, share about them, accept what I feel, and then set the sad story line aside. I no longer assume that crappy feelings like this have much validity. Or deserve my energy. 

How reassuring to share these constructive thoughts from the reading, "Step Four offers me a chance to find some balance. It helps me to identify the things I've been telling myself about myself, and to learn whether or not those things are true. Today, I will take one of my assumptions about myself and hold it up to the light. I may find that it stems from habit rather than reality."

"The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." 
 Sylvia Plath

1 comment:

  1. I let Sept. 11 go without dwelling much on it. I thought about the terror that must have been felt. The sadness and grief. But it is time for me to move on. I don't want to let hate define me. I can remember without dwelling in the past. It is another day in which humans failed each other. And I like to think that perhaps reflecting on our role, our part in all of this, is in order.


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~