Fast forward to the Alanon meeting I attended yesterday.
What I heard helped validate for me, that sometimes 12-Step members are not the ones who need to make major reparations to their most troubling relationships. We may be the enablers, or the abused. Sometimes to make an "amend" only splays us wide open to an abuser that may only use our close proximity as an opportunity to hurt us all over again.
I heard a beautiful Step Nine letter read out loud today in which the person sharing shared that Step Nine meant making amends to herself, first. I know in my own case that making amends to myself means I do NOT expose myself or make myself vulnerable to people who are toxic or who abuse my compassionate nature. Now mind you, I can look like a porcupine so as to keep such people at a distance from me, today. And that too is a kind of amends! :O
For me to make a more "traditional" amends to my mom, in the form of an apology, HP will have to get my attention first, using the guidance of others to get it right. ;) In the meantime, my first amends will be to myself, for all the times I made the situation worse with mom, by reacting not responding.
I am so grateful today to learn that the best amend may be to change my behavior in relating to troubled people in my life. To practice restraint instead of arguing or yelling back. To set boundaries that take care of me, when the other person is acting out of self-hate.