How much kinder and joyful and interesting would my life be, were I to develop curiosity towards my life, without trying so hard to make it pain-free?
In order to find out, I decided to make a specific commitment to a meditation practice (one day at a time) during these first two months of 2011. But even as I began, I decided I to plant seeds of awareness, not attach a goal of comfort to meditation practice. At the very start, I was not sure I'd found the one practice that would make me whole, forevermore.
When I began my practice, I believed I was a person who was constitutionally unable to meditate.
That is why I allow myself, even today, to try out more than one meditation approach.
I don't want to find myself meditating using the conditional thinking that led me to a hospital stay. I have other things I “don’t” want. I don’t want to find myself judging my practice on bad days, aware of my limitations, hearing myself think, "If I could meditate and calm down I would be able to be super-Smitty!" Nor do I want to hear myself mutter, “If only I were not depressed.” Or “If only I had someone to share this practice with!”
Each “if only” is just another way to find my meditation practice, and myself, lacking. A way of comparing, that leads me away from myself, and eventually into judging others.
I particularly want to navigate Catch-22’s. So I am grateful (and grinning) to read Pema share the ultimate frustration, " If it weren't for my mind, my meditation would be excellent!"
I'm on board with this kind of meditation practice, because it has a sense of humor in it.