I can see, more clearly now, how I have struggled with
shame this past few weeks. I can trace it back to my concern at having a different "take" on the measles break-out in SoCal.
I obsessed, first, trying to read up more about how the
immune system 'might really' work, but many of the sources that made sense to
me, had been heavily discredited.
Then some other things contributed to an over-all feeling
of anxiety. A number of public events have been underway (planned by our faith
fellowship) this week. I have the
sense that I may not be the only one feeling some awkwardness about our small numbers.
Yep, I feel guilt. And guilt turned to shame, as I realize
whatever skills I have at making small talk have gone out the window~
One day, I pray I can change out some of what I tell
myself when I am under stress! Because
my Inner Critic is having a great old
time telling me how inadequate I am!
I decided yesterday, to name what I was feeling. Shame.
I would love it if John Bradshaw's book were a bit more gentle in its
advice. I seem to have opened up to the hardest part of the book, where he tells
you how to stop shame spirals.
I know now that when I am in a hard place with my shame,
that I have a hard time focusing on positive action.
What helped me last night, was to share a bit with my
husband, in just a few words. It also helped to reach out to a friend, and talk last
night (though I probably talked too long). And
I was actually pretty reasonable and peaceful when I spoke to her. I am also
being kind to myself and taking the edge off when the fear/shame are the worst.
Yes, medications. I took one just to be sure I could take the edge off. I also tried breathing more deeply and this helped
me.
I trust my HP to guide me in self-care and use the tools I
am given. For now, I am glad I had the tools I
needed last night. Talking slowly, listening, being part of
conversation, all were good for me last night.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~