Sitting on my Hands

Today, I saw someone I respect very much, say that sometimes all he can do is sit on his hands.

I can see how I started to bring myself down to self-humiliation. It did indeed begin with how I "assimilated" the news of the measles outbreak in SoCal.  (I won't try to share my viewpoints here, though I do think that without some unvaccinated people in our human populations we simply cannot understand how a healthy immune system truly operates. At the very least, we don't have a control group with which we can assess the natural state of our immune systems vis a vis brain health, asthma rates, and auto-immune disorders.  I say this as a person with some scientific literacy).

 At any rate, regardless of what I have just said, the origins of my shame come from my first "take" on the measles break-out, and how poorly I took it when others chose to invalidate all "non-vaccers" and said they "hoped" I had vaccinated my son, and told me I was wrong wrong wrong simply because I questioned.  Even selfishness was implied.  Even though our son is fully-vaccinated today, it was not always so.  Once I experienced my shame, I wanted to make sure all my friends still liked me.  Well, they did. But I did not like me. And so I began to sit on my hands, and I still am. 

What does this tell me about myself? Wow, that I really care about what other think about me.  That seems to matter much more than feeling good about myself. 

This time of humiliation, is one in which I have sat on my hands.  What an expression for a writing-oriented person to use! I can still sit on my hands, and share with you all. I thank you for your tolerance!

Smiling, Smitty