Since beginning this blog, I've largely focused on sharing from the Al-anon literature that most inspires my program today. This has been a helpful constraint, but I am eager to explore some parts of myself that are hindering me. I've got a whole list of shortcomings and some bad habits in thinking that I would like to ditch.
But alas, I do best if I am patient and focus on one or two hinderances at at time. Program tells me that awareness is the first step to lasting change, that can be orchestrated by a Higher Power.
I saw again how I go between two poles, procrastination and relentless whip cracking. I want to be in joy, but when it comes to challenges, like preparing for a new project, I still use fear as a motivator, and think of joy as a luxury.
The week behind was a fine luxury. My old thinking would put fear in me--that I won't want to go back to my workday life as a writer, mom, and home nurturer. My old thinking would have me believe that I don't deserve a break today or any day, unless I have something to "show" for myself.
I am not a good enough writer. Housekeeper. Mom. Friend.... to have deserved time "off."
That alone is a piece of stinking thinking that was helped by a week off and a little "love light".