September 6, 2010

Am I Better Yet, or Feeling "Different"?

I've heard it said before that things get different in 12-step recovery and THEN they get better.

I sure knew about creating crisis in my life that imitated my experiences growing up. I got tired of the turmoil, so I came to program and worked hard to use the suggested tools. It became more possible to accept the challenges in my life and stay in the present moment to find real solutions.

As things become "different"---just like it says in the September 4th reading--I " let go of obsession, worry, and focussing on everyone but [myself]."

But there were many times I felt bewildered as I experienced calmness in my mind. Where was the "me" I used to know, the one who was so driven to identify and fix problems every moment of my waking life? What if I completely stopped fretting over solutions: would I be showing that I no longer I cared?

It has taken a good bit of adjustment to get comfortable with stillness. At first it felt mighty strange to find my constant mental chatter gone. I did not know what to do with the new time I suddenly have on my hands.

That's when I found myself becoming afraid of becoming the lazy person I was accused of being in childhood. I'd slipped back to old fears, as if I could not trust my new serenity. In looking closely, I realized I'd thought that staying mentally busy would keep me safe from criticism.

"As an exercise, my Sponsor suggested that I try to maintain my inner stillness even when I felt scared or doubtful. As I did so, I reassured myself again and again that I was safely in the care of a Power greater than myself. Today I know that sanity and serenity are the gifts I have received for my efforts and my faith. With practice, I am learning to trust the peace."

I do like the feelings evoked in me when I consider setting new intentions:
"Today I will relish my serenity. I know that it is safe to enjoy it."

"Be still and know that I am with you." English prayer


  1. I got that same label as a kid - until Al-Anon, I was unable to ever fully relax, for fear of being "lazy."
    Thanks for this post.

  2. This is an amazing blog how true for non-alcoholic and alcoholic alike...creating and flowing and ebbing the drama was somehow easier than just sitting still to feel the pain or the feelings brought about...thank you for your voice..


  3. Inner stillness is something that I sometimes have to search for.

  4. I really like to just "be" and not be doing all the time. It is a welcome change for me.


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~