December 23, 2010

December 23: Where Do I Belong?

I went to my first Al-anon meeting because I wanted to let my fellow travelers in EA, to know that there was a fellowship with deeper roots than our own newly established meeting. I felt like I was not a good enough "example" to give newcomers to EA the roots they needed for recovery, so I brought myself to Al-anon with the hope that others from our EA fellowship would follow my example. 

To my surprise, I found myself identifying with almost everyone in the Al-anon fellowship. I felt like I had come home.   Like the author of December 23rd's Courage to Change, "I couldn't understand it--I was positive that I didn't even know any alcoholics!"  Days after my first visit,  I kept remembering how comfortable I felt  in that meeting. It was wonderful not to be a founder or an old-timer and to listen and learn myself.  Every week that I could return, I did.

But I felt a little uncomfortable when I would read Al-anon's Third Tradition, which states, "The only requirement is that there be a problem of alcohol in a family member or friend."  I did not have any alcoholic family members. But intuitively I knew I was benefitting by  coming back.

It took me many months to realize why I belonged. Suddenly I understand that,  though alcoholism had skipped my parents and me, both my parents probably knew about the pain of alcoholism.  Alcoholism is a family disease, and my fellow Al-anon members were waiting to embrace me when I realized that I too had been affected. 

"One of the signs that I have been affected by alcoholism is that I think I know what everyone else should do." Yes, that it the attitude I had brought to my EA meetings.  

But,  Al-anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions were there for me when I finally was ready to admit that Tradition Three spoke to me, directly and to no one else. I could not expect my fellow EA members to attend Al-anon and find out how to do 12-step work.   I could only take myself to the "sister fellowship."  In the same way that I wanted folks in EA to get the "right" way to do program by visiting an Al-anon group, I'd been judging others in  the EA fellowship, by the standards of a long-ago seasoned EA group.  

I had been judging and mistakenly feeling that my EA  newcomers should  find out how 12-step groups worked,  in order to work our EA program more honestly. Instead it was me who needed to see how I  fit Al-anon criteria for membership.   When  I attended an Al-anon meeting, it helped me to let go of my EA group and expectations for how it *should* work.  I needed to extend the same courtesy to others, and let them find out for themselves how to make our program fit them. 

2 comments:

  1. We do need to know the origins of our fellowships- you can delve back into the history of how 12 steps and traditions came into being.
    AA and Alanon evolved almost hand in hand. Principles applied to arrest a deadly disease.
    We are four fold beings, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. We need to be somewhat balanced in order to function. Undo the
    "Dis-ease." (Restore us to sanity-)
    It is great you went to Alanon ! Someday you might want to go to an open AA meeting too.
    I bet you will identify with some of what you hear there as well. If you are a reader delve into some of the history. The Oxford group
    helped Lois and Bill W.(et al.) find ways to help the rest of us... Merry Christmas !
    all of us

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the history of these fellowships...thanks Izzy.

    Smitty

    ReplyDelete

I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~