Some of us, even as children, took on grown up responsibilities. No wonder then that many of us became caretakers. When I became a parent myself, it seemed important to put others needs first and put my own desires aside. It took me awhile to realize this was not always an admirable trait, but a liability. It led to a fault line of self-destructiveness. Because I knew of my vulnerability to others emotions, I chose a mate who was laid back and rational. But there was one person to whom I left the door open for abuse, and that was my parent. Loyalty was another trait that made me vulnerable.
Just like February 23's author of CTC, I set out to wipe out all such behaviors and attitudes. I was determined to put myself first and sever all loyalties that made me vulnerable.
So far I've not been able to make such radical changes. I still want to put my family first, but now I see that I can do this and also make sure I consider my needs carefully. I have learned to be grateful for my characteristics and not guilty and ashamed. My upbringing taught me how not to abuse others, and my desire to help others heal is something that enhances relationships with friends and community. As my gain in confidence, I can choose not to do for others what they can do for themselves, and this brings me greater pleasure when I am able to nurture others. Balance is my goal now, in my advancing recovery.
"Let me remember not condemn parts of myself while accepting other parts. I am a multi-faceted person, and I love myself best when I embrace all of my aspects."
"My imperfections and failures are as much a part of me as my successes and talents, and I lay them both at His feet." Mahatma Ghandi