March 3, 2011

March 1: Knowledge is not the Only Power

As the author of March 1st's CTC concedes, "Sometimes knowledge isn't all it is cracked up to be."

That is almost sacrilege for me to consider, especially because I put understanding as a top priority in my life; I've spent much of my adulthood combing over the past to be sure I understood everything, before moving into the present. I thought combing the wreckage for understanding of my failed relationships would prevent future pain.  Our inventory in program seems to encourage this too,  as we explore our memories and learn to reason, not argue with others. But this program also allows me to move on, when insight into the past fails me. 

For example, I've kept myself stuck analyzing my part in my relationship with my borderline parent, trying to understand how to fix the dysfunction between us. I wanted to "get" what I was doing wrong and learn to do the relationship right!  Again, the author of our CTC explains, "The fact is that emotional disease is illogical and I may never fully comprehend it. Nevertheless, I have an obligation to accept the reality in which I live and to act accordingly."

To change the subject a bit, I've noticed over the years that some folks put off the spiritual aspects of the program, waiting for a perfectly comfortable understanding of a Higher Power before they advance to step three and the meat of the program. How often I want to explain to them it really is many of us never do achieve clarity about the exact nature of our Higher Power. We can trust that the program won't fail us if we take the other positive actions and continue on with the Steps. We can still build rewarding connections with a Power greater than ourselves by taking the action and praying anyway. 

Today, I can finally accept that, while information can be wonderfully enlightening,   "it is not the answer to every problem."  Let me be honest about my intentions, and not hold myself back because I don't yet understand everything about my problems. Healthy practices, letting go of dysfunction first, might be more important than needing to understand everything about how it got here.

"If you understand things, they are just as they are, if you do not understand, things are just as they are."  Zen proverb

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