May 28, 2011

Finding myself, in the aftermath of my uncle's death....

Interestingly, my mom has not called me since I took the trip to be with her family in the event of her brother's (my uncle's) death, Wednesday last.

I have just found words that explain for me, what my interactions with my mom are all about... everything in me that reacts to her is old defenses that are no longer very effective.

My mom has her perceptions and beliefs about me, and it  has always been important for her to keep me stuck in a particular way of being, so that she could be comfortable.  

My mom wants me to always be HER child, but I am my own parent, my own friend, my own adversary. I really don't need it complicated by fighting with her. Now on the other hand, I can take a stand and be... all that my HP wants me to be.

As I deepen my program and study all of my assets and liabilities, I see more and more that I am not who I think I am.  Who I am is constantly changing.  I am my own moving target, just as my son is as he goes through his stages of development.

Just for today I am who I always dreamed of being. I can say what I mean and it comes out with me not being "mean" or even much angry. What a blessing the program has been to me! 

AMEN. Smitty

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