June 8, 2011

Entirely Ready, With No Side Effects

Step Six speaks of being entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character. 

Is it possible that my defects have a private pleasure? Entirely so, when it comes to getting back at certain people in my life, who are bullies.  
I have spent lots of time inventing laughs at their expense.    In my fantasies about my problem people, I am never wrong. In fact,  I am quite swelled with pride at my ability to make joy from past pain.   

Yet lately I have had to admit these characteristics are defenses that keep me from being vulnerable and present. As today's author says, "they get in the way of living the life I want to live and prevent me from treating myself and others with love and respect. There is abundant reason to let them go, but to do so, I have to become willing to lose the enjoyment they sometimes deliver."

Are these guilty pleasures worth the price I am paying to keep them? If not, may I be entirely ready to let go of some of them today.

There will be a hole in my heart and I will not heal,  as long as I am unwilling to give up my shortcomings.  For healing,  I must be willing to change. "
I must turn over my will, my life, and my character defects to God."

Let me use Step Six consciously today, to say,  "Not my will, but Thine be done." 

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