Entirely Ready, With No Side Effects

Step Six speaks of being entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character. 

Is it possible that my defects have a private pleasure? Entirely so, when it comes to getting back at certain people in my life, who are bullies.  

I have spent lots of time inventing laughs at their expense.    In my fantasies about my problem people, I am never wrong. In fact,  I am quite swelled with pride at my ability to make joy from past pain.   

Yet lately I have had to admit these characteristics are defenses that keep me from being vulnerable and present. As today's author says, "they get in the way of living the life I want to live and prevent me from treating myself and others with love and respect. There is abundant reason to let them go, but to do so, I have to become willing to lose the enjoyment they sometimes deliver."

Are these guilty pleasures worth the price I am paying to keep them? If not, may I be entirely ready to let go of some of them today.

There will be a hole in my heart and I will not heal,  as long as I am unwilling to give up my shortcomings.  For healing,  I must be willing to change. "

I must turn over my will, my life, and my character defects to God."

Let me use Step Six consciously today, to say,  "Not my will, but Thine be done."