July 5, 2011

Can There Be Gratitude.. for Challenges?

When I have an emotional challenge or slip, my usual tendency is to be stoic (while working diligently on my vulnerabilities) and independent.    Dear HP have you ever placed me upside down and ars-backwards!    

I am being given the challenge of being more home bound than usual, due to my son's broken leg. Everywhere I go, I feel that I cannot venture far or get too engaged... for I might be needed...   I am an active person, who knows the importance of exercise, prayer and meditation. In this recovery with my son, I am constantly worrying at myself if I start to move myself into a place too much front and center.  So I find myself second-guessing all the usual things I do for me... and for him.  It would be great to be able to say, it is all good, the way folks do in my current culture.  I am not there yet, and I do not think my family would appreciate these words said aloud.   I do not EXPECT myself to be laugh about this experience any time soon (that too is a coping mechanism for me). 

First, I am very grateful that I have friends in program as well as friends in my community and my professional support folks..... who recognize the extra big challenge I am being presented with, in being the primary care person for our son who gains in mobility and confidence each day. Such a moving target!  

But  not-so-grateful to see what kinds of thoughts hinder me as I navigate this maze, and strive for a new balance that allows for emotional wellness and sane thinking....

Mostly I am on Just for Today #1....  I can live through this one day. Heck, I really don't want to be here... it feels so .. weak.. lame....Interesting metaphor that, in light of my son's leg injury. For me too, each day is a series of baby-steps, constantly refocusing and accepting changing priorities....

I did not ask for the challenge, but I also don't need to take it personally... Perhaps it is giving me that chance to a new balance, knowing I have a challenge, but making a constant practice to refrain from making a pity party of it. 

Then there is the study of resentments that this challenge presents.... but that is another story...

1 comment:

  1. I have felt similarly about dealing with my parents-in-law. I want to go on another week long cruise but don't foresee that happening for quite a while. It is about my responsibility and balance.


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