March 2, 2012

Step One, The Way Back and Forward

Admitted we were powerless over our emotions? Yes, if you want to get beyond the first part of Step One, and regain a manageable life. 
For me, admitting I did not have power over my emotions was an easy thing to "admit", in my early EA recovery. After all, would I have ended up with the unmanageability that landed me in hospital if I did not have some kind of powerlessness over anxiety, hormones, and sleep? Not likely.
Only thing was, in the back of my mind, I got hooked on a new belief, that program work could give me back "power" or "control" OVER my emotions. Yes, program gives me back manageability, if I hold that as a possibility, not an EXPECTATION. Subtle stuff. 
But you know, as I got stable, even well, I went back to thinking I was in control of my emotions. Only problem? I did not know consciously that's what I was thinking.
Now I know it is this kind of subtle belief, coupled with my strong will and desire to help myself (thank you very much), that brings me inevitably back to another encounter with Step One.
THAT way of thinking, leads right back to Denial. Perhaps this is exactly why doctors will tell us we need to medicate, forever, for depression, bipolar and the like.
They know we are human, and odds are we'll go back to our old ways, whenever we can! I am no different.
Through program I like to believe I beat the odds. I am counting on that because I also believe in weaning off medications. In order not to return again and again to wackiness, my understanding of Step One must sometimes look intellectual. I have to THINK my way into using the program way to care for myself.  First things first, means me admitting that my emotional wellness depends on allowing myself to feel my emotions. Sometimes it means admitting, I need to use medications again until things are more manageable again.  But if my medications keep me from feeling that makes my program walk less effective.
You see, I am not a human doing, but a human being. I need to BE real and true to myself, and my feelings. 
For me, Step One means admitting to myself every day that I am vulnerable to relapse under particular conditions. When triggering conditions occur, I need a plan of self-care that is informed by a relationship with a Higher Power.
Only through that relationship with an HP, who works with each of us through the power of groups we belong to (I include you all in this) can I reconnect with sanity, during "insanity triggering" times.
Thank you all for being here. For moves can be "insanity triggering" for me. Sharing this helps me remember I am not alone.


  1. I have found for myself there is a fine line between feeling my emotions and letting them control me. While menopausal I faced some serious bouts of "I want to die" feelings. I knew that it would pass if I could get through the moment.

    Sitting with feeling no matter how unpleasant does make you face what the real problem is if you can stay with it long enough.

    But sometimes you need an escape just to get a perspective or to function from day to day. Everybody has to find what works for them.

  2. "I have found for myself there is a fine line between feeling my emotions and letting them control me."

    Yes, that is why medications and diet changes can help. For me, medications are good for short term use.. to help get emotional relief and sleep. Then I work on the thinking part of my emotional imbalance.

    Sitting with a feeling, has been most helpful to me as of late. Even fear. I have learned that it is fearing (or fighting) fear that makes it so troubling.

    What is that saying? Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there.

  3. It is a good thing not to be ruled by emotions but to recognize that they are natural. We are not automatons but have feelings that can bubble up. Pausing when agitated has helped me. I don't have to be ruled by my feelings such as fear. I can face them. Good post.

  4. I think practicing the program is preventative medicine. Still can be difficult in times of high emotion but my head knows there is a way out.


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~