Step One, The Way Back and Forward

Admitted we were powerless over our emotions? Yes, if you want to get beyond the first part of Step One, and regain a manageable life. 

For me, admitting I did not have power over my emotions was an easy thing to "admit", in my early EA recovery. After all, would I have ended up with the unmanageability that landed me in hospital if I did not have some kind of powerlessness over anxiety, hormones, and sleep? Not likely.

Only thing was, in the back of my mind, I got hooked on a new belief, that program work could give me back "power" or "control" OVER my emotions. Yes, program gives me back manageability, if I hold that as a possibility, not an EXPECTATION. Subtle stuff. 

But you know, as I got stable, even well, I went back to thinking I was in control of my emotions. Only problem? I did not know consciously that's what I was thinking.

Now I know it is this kind of subtle belief, coupled with my strong will and desire to help myself (thank you very much), that brings me inevitably back to another encounter with Step One.

THAT way of thinking, leads right back to Denial. Perhaps this is exactly why doctors will tell us we need to medicate, forever, for depression, bipolar and the like.

They know we are human, and odds are we'll go back to our old ways, whenever we can! I am no different.

Through program I like to believe I beat the odds. I am counting on that because I also believe in weaning off medications. In order not to return again and again to wackiness, my understanding of Step One must sometimes look intellectual. I have to THINK my way into using the program way to care for myself.  First things first, means me admitting that my emotional wellness depends on allowing myself to feel my emotions. Sometimes it means admitting, I need to use medications again until things are more manageable again.  But if my medications keep me from feeling that makes my program walk less effective.

You see, I am not a human doing, but a human being. I need to BE real and true to myself, and my feelings. 

For me, Step One means admitting to myself every day that I am vulnerable to relapse under particular conditions. When triggering conditions occur, I need a plan of self-care that is informed by a relationship with a Higher Power.

Only through that relationship with an HP, who works with each of us through the power of groups we belong to (I include you all in this) can I reconnect with sanity, during "insanity triggering" times.

Thank you all for being here. For moves can be "insanity triggering" for me. Sharing this helps me remember I am not alone.