May 25, 2012

Boundaries, Let me Count the Ways (Days)

9 days and counting...

My dear mom called me yesterday in the middle of my final therapy appointment. Of course I did not answer. But then she got ahold of my son to interrogate him.  Got "concerned" (anxiety is her addictive emotion) because he told her I was at a doctor's office. Um. She does not need to know our medical matters, they are private. 

We are moving. Moving is stressful, and Mom also has an addiction to looking for the bad.
 I do not need my emotional temperature taken by a mom with a personality disorder to add to my anxiety.

I called a few times today to head mom off at the pass, only to get a busy signal.  My intention was to express that it would be great to talk AFTER we have made the move.

After coming home from a going-away party, I remembered my intention.
DH told me that my mom would not like her setting boundaries for her.

Well, I don't set boundaries for problem people. I set boundaries for ME, and my peace of mind and sanity. I am clear that I do not want my mom calling to "look for the worst"  when the movers are changing our lives forever. (It is a little like someone calling to see how you are doing when you are in the throes of childbirth. I will take that call later, thank you, when my new life has arrived :>)

So, I just rang one last time for the day, and it rang through. I told my dear mom to let us give her a call after we've done our move. I was Kind. Gentle. Upbeat. On the answering machine.

As I left the message, I gave myself an out, not to answer her calls.

Told her if she could not reach me, that it was probably because we were busy with details regarding the new house.

It will be her business how she decides to handle this.  A daughter has to know her limitations. 


  1. yes, the boundaries we set are for ourselves. moving is stressful for me too. I would want to avoid anything that would increase that stress!
    I look forward to hearing about the new place.

  2. Glad you were able to take those steps to take care of yourself. I find it a huge relief to not have to manage someone else's feelings anymore.

  3. I am learning to set boundaries finally, with my daughter but I fear it may be too late. She's a 21 year old with a heroine addiction that has her veins so blown out the E.R. has to call a surgical team in for a pick line just so she can get the I.V. she desperately needs to save her life. I am so tired of wondering when I'd find her laying on the floor, blue and cold, with a needle hanging out of her arm. She won't go to rehab but I've been enabling her to be comfortable without it. Not any longer. I set my boundaries since my battle with Schizoaffective Disorder has begun to show signs of significant recovery from it. She does not like this new me, the one who used to be incapable of standing up for herself and just let life go by, not seeing what was really going on right in front of my face. Today I choose to not be an enabler, to love her and let her go so she can experience whatever it is she must in order to get well again. I don't know her any more. The drugs have destroyed anything recognisable about her. I want my daughter back. I want her to be safe and at home. I also want my own recovery and do not want to be abused or taken advantage of. I set my boundaries and have given my daughter a thirty day notice to vacate. If I didn't have the words of Ala-non and wonderful people like you I'd never have come this far. It's the hardest thing I've done yet - to throw my own daughter to the curb but she made her choices and I guess that's what it's all about. She has to make her own choices. I can't make her well.


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~