September 2, 2013

Dare I Return to the Fellowship?

"...Only fools rush in..."

In June, I decided it was best for me (and the group)  that I leave the meeting place where my program had incubated so many years. It bothered me that I left with a cloud over my head.  There was no way to clear it, with one particular person.  For her,  I was a divisive person who was acting like a victim.

To her, I was also a stalker. 

I had given her unsolicited feedback, from a place of caring about the need for Group honesty, openness and willingness. My voice carried something offensive to her, no matter how carefully I spoke.  In fact, in my earliest words, I pleaded for her compassion, and was rebuffed. 

In the end, the person shared with the entire group. It was awful to me that she felt I was a stalker, but she told the group that I actually WAS one, and she hoped no one else was being stalked!  

I wrote to the group that I was the person in question, so that others new to program would not be afraid. I asked that others write the moderators if they had a problem with me.  I was later told that saying this to the entire group was hubris. A Catch-22. Yes, it can be argued that what I said lacked tact. 

Ironically,  I was praying for a way in this online community for us to have a group discussion to resolve our own issues, and here I was with my foot in a trap, of my own unfortunate making. And all out of trying to make the group a place where we could discuss differences!

I know I am a good person, and so do other folks, and that I am not a stalker.  No moderator knew a way to help this person and I resolve our issues.  So, I was  told I was violating her boundaries.

 Because of this, I would be the one moderated, and frankly, I was not sure that analyzing my every move would be healthy for me, much less the Group.  Being used an example felt very unhealthy as its something I've never seen done in a face-to-face group. This experience made me aware that for a long time I had been trying to prove something and I needed to stop. If I stayed, I was sticking around proving that I am a safe person to someone who simply wants to believe otherwise. I am not violent or a threat, I just have alternate viewpoints on subjects. I share these from time to time to nurture an inclusive environment for others to be open and express their different ways to use the program.

Another bearing on the issue was that this email forum was not of benefit to my body, for trying to work this out in emails was contributing to repetitive stress injury.I felt it was for the benefit of the group that I leave and let them work it out.   Nor did  I wish to trigger the person who refused to speak to me.

What complicates this, is that weeks before, I had asked about a service position open within my organization.  I was encouraged too by the person vacating the position.  Should I pull my name from the hat as trusted servant?  After I left the online Group, with each milestone during the review,  I kept asking my heart and my HP if moving forward was right.  I was open, honest and willing to discuss my part in things.

After much physical healing and with prayer ,  I decided that rejoining the Group was part of the process of discernment. And for me to find out if I was a help or hindrance to our organization.   I prayed that my HP would help me know how to begin to reintroduce myself and walk with insight and compassion.  I knew there were people there who never wanted to see me again, and that winning them over could not be my goal.  

I told the moderator that I had rejoined and was willing to be moderated. I decided I would not post until I had  "listened" for awhile...  I shared that intention privately, and that  I would likely not post until September 1, which was yesterday. I was going to make amends to my body and to the group, by being moderate and posting once or twice a week.

I know, in my heart of hearts, I had no desire to be a thorn in anyone's side, much less a trigger. Having been triggered in my past, I know how that can be. 

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