October 23, 2013

Integrity, Anon

God, I sincerely believe that you know I am innocent of what a member projected on me. I am not a harasser, stalker or bully. 

Why did I not insist on saying that out loud to the group, explicitly? Was I waiting for someone to speak up on my behalf?  To redeem me? I admit I wanted to hear your words spoken in human language.

I need to realize that when 12-step groups,  tell us not to judge, criticize or argue...they sometimes avoid ALL conflict resolution.

Then they look to at someone like me, who has been ostracized and say, "What is the matter with you. You care so much about untrue words? Don't you know that person was sick?"

Well, actually I don't see being sick as an excuse. My standard for wellness is greater. I expect that someone in the group have mediation skills, so that we can all get truly well. We need to learn how to help people return to the fold, in active love. 

I was obviously not comfortable with just letting myself back in, when you have allowed someone to shame me and speak untrue words publicly in the meeting. And then censored me when I tried to share about it, in a way that was healing for me.   You told me that to defend myself was hubris.   You give two messages: I have been "violated boundaries," but I am not allowed to do my Step Four and Ten work around what I am learning from the experience. 

You say the group has moved on? Yes, they rallied around the person who lied about me, and I am supposed to be big enough to get over it without speaking about it. Really? That is not how I did my initial recovery work, and no therapist would call that functional. 

Let's just pretend that in Twelve Step communities, when I am marginalized.. that God heals the shame by giving me friends that speak for themselves. When their words are true for me, then God has spoken and I DO let myself back in.

Censors be damned blessed.

Because of being censored, I was led to think it was wrong to openly share my healing. I guess I was waiting to hear someone else tell my story in a more peaceful way. As S did today:

"When I know I am innocent of whatever I am accused of, that I have not violated my own principles, then I know that I can sleep well at night knowing that I still have my integrity. It doesn't matter what others think. I am powerless over them and have no idea what their issues are. I frequently suspect they don't even know themselves."

Thank you. You gave me the benefit of the doubt.  


  1. It seems sometimes the more you defend yourself the more you get attacked. Everyone has their own baggage the people that come to meetings are just willing (sometimes) to actually try to get better. The hard part is that we are all at different stages of wellness and denial. All you can do is say your peace and let the outcome go. If we don't let it go we become victims of other peoples opinions.

  2. Grace, You put it well. The hard part is trusting that saying my peace, is enough.

    I am more willing to be let the outcome go if someone else in the meeting openly helps me. Otherwise, I guess I am likely to feel too alone?

    Like I can't trust my own perceptions?

    Pondering my way through...

    Best, Smitty


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~