I am grateful for some things I learned in meeting today.
For the person who shared that for her, emotions may be a color, or a sense in her body, that may not have words.
For the idea that depression is not a weakness, but a sign of being strong too long.
For the realization, that, though I value emotions and what they tell me about the way I experience the world, I am always going to have excessive emotion. That in a sense all these emotions I "pride" myself on feeling, have an addictive power for me. This is a new realization, that was slowly dawning on me....
When I feel powerful emotions, I may need more than words to cope. In fact, talking, thinking, ruminating, may only just perpetuate emotions and lead eventually to confusion.
Yes, I experienced that in therapy some time ago.
Emotional experience is not linear. An event, A, does not lead to the same response from all people. Therefore emotions are subjective. I can't even compare my emotional response to someone else's and be "validated." Not really.
I learned that I can feel defensive. In other words, defensive is a feeling in my body. TI can learn to ask myself if I am defending myself from something, or defending myself from revealing something about myself. Defending a vulnerability, instead of letting God help me. In my meeting , the insight was that I could begin to ask "what am I defending myself against?"
The words, defect of character are sometimes challenging for folks in Emotions Anonymous. But today I heard a very open viewpoint. When this person uses the words defect of character, it more naturally invites a spiritual solution, perhaps more directly than using the words "defenses" or "self-defeating behaviors." When I have defects, only something much greater than me can resolve them.
It is defects of character that result in harmful behaviors. Defects of character can lead to coping mechanisms. Some coping mechanisms can be soft, like withdrawal or isolation. Some can be addictive and lead to extreme acting out.
Today these words were helpful to hear: "I have no control over my experience of my emotions, but I want to learn to act on them in a healthy manner."
I won't rework these drafty words or try to make them more concrete. I am a little foggy headed today from having so many things on my mind that I find myself wanting to "fix." I shall write these down and see if I can let them go, instead, so that solutions can present themselves, instead.