April 22, 2014

Listing my Life

First, let me say, I don't have a conventional program. With my nearly slip-sliding away after taking some strong medications to prevent tetanus and infection, I am back at square one in my thinking. Not a pretty place!

My unconventional approach is to list all the things bothering me. Because I need to put these all down and keep living, one day at a time.

First, I have a significant tummy problem and cannot eat many foods without reaction. Second, our teen is withdrawing to his room and computer and I am not in a place to engage him happily with my life. I am boring my husband and I am calling on friends out of town to buoy me up. It is not working. My mom friends are all very busy this time of year and coping with the fact that school is racing to its consummation, just as I am. I don't yet have good friends in my life and my best program friend (a super listener) is wrestling with a larger health issue, cancer whose prognosis we don't even look at. Much less judge her by.  

My friend needs positive, and I have been, sad to say, circling round the drain. 

I saw my psych doctor about all that I was experiencing physiologically (and at the time, with no medical doctor in site that I could trust yet in my still-new home town) and he did not know what to do with me except argue that validation was not what I needed from him. I have come to him "well" for so long that all he could do was shrug his shoulders. I tried to give him my story in a written form, succinct. But it was too big for him. It would have been too big for anyone. And it was not a crisis, yet.

Trying to put my program on "all this" feels like putting a vest on a camel.   

But I do think I am onto something, with listing. In the privacy of my home I can continue to add to my list until there is no more. And if I notice myself talking the list out loud (or in my head) I can remind myself, I completed that work. 

And ask my HP, "What is the next right thing?"  For my program to work I can and will need to live at peace with some of those problems. Without ignoring or minimizing of course.

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