Let go and let God seems to be the message for me, and for our family. Some joy, much grief, and even the distraction of anger. In the midst of all this, we have sold the home we lived in for over a decade. It's all been quite full and quite a blur, really.
My friend K did pass, during the first days of this month. I learned the news from her husband of 27 years, while I was in my old hometown, preparing our home for sale.
It still amazes me how I keep encountering the hole she seems to have left in me, despite the fact that we never lived in the same town, and only met one another twice. I am still in awe that she was my friend.
She is my friend, still. I am sure having a hard time keeping her spirit close to me. I was not sure if feeling joy at our house sale was "right," but then I realized if I resisted, I was not being present to life and in that way, I was not honoring who she was and still is.
I am not sure about the anger with which I approached a curriculum problem at my school. Nearly EVERYONE wanted me to let it go, from the very start, except the friend who is a lawyer. She had a peaceable path for me to take, but it involved showing up to meet the superintendent. So, I chose to do a crab-walk sort of fight. Even talking to the school district in our old home town.
It led nowhere and so I gave up and bit the bullet, enrolled my kid in a review course, which all the administrators agreed he did not need.
So, wait, where does my friend, K, fit in all this? I think she would still love me, even when I am mad and depressed at my inability to make things "right."
I want them to be right, though, inside me. And she was just the kind of friend I could have talked about this very problem with. With her I could have been my best self, before I ever went off to tackle the school administrators. I know that I would have heard my best options, just because she listened, without any kind of fixing. Without any kind of alarm at any mistake I might make. Because that is who she was.
She also would have applied the ointment of kindness, and not judgement, when the principal called me last week and I had (I thought) no choice but to fight again.