I talked with K about how much need I saw in each organization, and how small I felt in the face of all that demanded to be done.
One adventure took me to a town in my state that is a town of meaningful coincidence, being named after my mom. After I showed up to that state meeting, I spent time trying to understand why I was so unhappy. It was K who told me that meeting sounded like no fun to her! And then I realized.. I was needing to be part of something, not force something to happen. Not put on a happy face, when others were trying too hard to make something bigger than themselves--work.
Talking to K, I realized I did not want to be in service to any organizations that wanted me to keep THEM alive. I knew I would not know how to draw boundaries with organizations that sucked at their grassroots. And shamed them, and gave them endless lists of things to do and manuals with charts in them I could not even understand.
I gave back the service manual for Al-anon. I gave my resignation for the other trustee position. I did it the easiest way possible--in an email. Yes, I felt guilty. I had thought I wanted to serve. I had said a cautious yes to one commitment for a year, and had put in my name for two year service. I thought I had time and love and commitment to spare.
But after I went to the town named after my mother, I realized my vision was not the vision of either of the organizations I had hoped to serve.
And it was K who helped me see clearly. A year ago and six months before she knew that she was being called home.
In that conversation, she told me about the first new dog that came into her life. That is the side of the conversation I wish I had paid more attention to…
I guess I can be grateful K witnessed me because today I would be serving the organization she and I were devoted to… and I would likely be one confused girl, grieving and serving at the same time. Confusion would be my first, last and middle name. And I would be preparing for a conference in the midwest, instead of preparing for a retreat a little closer to home.
Frankly, I am less and less of a conference girl, and more of a program monastic.