December 9, 2014

Integrity in the Face of Authority

I have been having some challenges with anger lately. Lasting anger, which has surprised me, for my goal with this cunning emotion is to find a middle ground, a place of agreement and peace in the end.

It was at its worst when I had three "flame-throwing" interactions all involving authority figures in my personal life.

It has helped me to be meditating and practicing centering prayer, but I am still at a growing edge, which is painful. I consider myself to be an honest and kind person even when angry, and easy to "get over" anger, too. So this has puzzled me much, to find the anger coming back, almost like an after-belch. So maybe I am more powerless over anger than I realized. Or maybe the main point of my life is not to master anger, but to care for myself more compassionately when I feel it?

Anyways, in group this week, I decided to ask others about this deep issue I have when authority figures "impose" arbitrary rules that make no sense to me. 

One of our wise elders, a person with much experience, shared this with the group:   their sense that with the unique technologies we have, where we can discuss things with a variety of people, all over the world, and where so many of us are doing so with greater and greater civility,  we are at a time when there are no set "rules" and  where individuals  have opportunities to create in ways never before envisioned. In this new uncharted "play space" the whole point is not to be on the top or in a position of authority. Instead, we influence one another. You influence me, and I influence you and changes in our understandings happen much more quickly.  I realized I see this on loop as well, and in other forums. It is amazing. It is changing our program here as we speak to one another.

In our meeting, I was glad to be reminded that when I struggle against authority, I can find a way to study my anger.  It may mean face-to-face that I need to take time away from the situation and ask my HP to help me envision a solution that goes beyond my ideas that "I can't change" or "the other person can't change."   I can ask my HP to help me maintain my integrity by breathing, feeling and loving myself and the other person.  I need to do this with gentleness and without fear (desperation).

When I truly maintain my integrity, I am willing to play well with others.  I am a work in progress. I am likely to fail a few times before I get the hang of it. But I can imagine the joy in achieving this victory, and sharing it... one day at a time...


  1. Great post! Your share, "Or maybe the main point of my life is not to master anger, but to care for myself more compassionately when I feel it?" I really like how you put this, a new perspective for me. Mastering and putting into action forgiveness was the only way I was able to lessening that anger that boiled inside of me. But agree with you that I must have worked to be more compassionate and gentle with myself to also be able to maintain that integrity and be able to move forward. Anger, it is so toxic, but has helped shape and build who I am today. I work hard today to not allow that power of anger to blind me from my serenity anymore... one day at a time.

  2. Good to read this. I have to remember that perhaps it is my control issues that come to the fore when I don't want to be controlled by authority figures. Ego, pure and simple for me. Awareness, acceptance, action.
    Glad you are well.


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~