March 20, 2015

If it isn't one thing, it's me momma

I seek reconciliation with my mom, and yet, I have, in her mind, betrayed her and taken advantage of her, by even wanting to get in touch with my dad's relatives this past nine months.
I am never going to know the "real" truth of why she decided to ostracize them and separate my dad from his family.

As an honest person, it bothers me that I cannot simply tell her I visited with both of his last remaining siblings and sensed nothing wrong with them!
I am experiencing the 'pit' because I have given my mom a bit too much power to judge me, now, and oh is she using ugly language. It is toxic.
Her story about me may be true for her, but it hurts me. And that, alone, is a reason to turn this one over to my HP.
I need to stop thinking I need to convince her I am good person. Damn at my advancing age, you would think I would be over this! But it is another layer of the onion.
I either need to cry or laugh! Ah for laughter. When I picture my phone, saying "Blocked caller," I find the urge to let it stay blocked, not pick it up. But when I do catch it or return the called to mom (and dad's) unlisted number, there is always this sense that "this call" might be the last. What if it reveals the miracle? Uh huh.  Or I might hear the God of my understanding speaking to me with compassion.  

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I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~