This past week, I have been using a book on mindfulness meditation that is for all of what I have felt since February: Ennui, boredom, depression, anxiety.
I discovered it by accident at my local bookstore: The Mindful Way Workbook... to free yourself from Depression and Emotional Distress. Thank goodness for that being the only title at the store or I would be using multiple books and thinking I needed one for each emotion that is troubling me!
Since about mid-February, I have been wrestling with each head of multi-headed hydra. No longer, for my book puts it straight. I don't have to wrestle with the heads anymore, or try to vanquish the hydra.
Now I get to just be Aware of the hydra.
It is funny how the arms wave at me, even when I am doing a body scan. A few of the thoughts that come up as I listen to the accented English of the instructions: "Just 38 minutes? Wait, the time in the book says, 45. Either way, why won't 20 minutes suffice? ....Oh no, I am not breathing very deeply. Uh-oh, am focusing on the wrong foot. What did he just say about how to breathe into my leg?"
When it is time to sense my body, I am not quite sure I feel the skin on my foot. I do feel my neck tense on the pillow, and I am tempted to judge that. Almost. Then, comes the sense of amazement when I do feel my neck release ever so slightly. (It helps to put a rolled towel under the cervical curve at the back of my neck.)
What are my feelings? Well it is thrilling to be aware that I actually did relax and by the very end, when I hear the bell "ting," I am surprised it's over. I want more. And, I feel like stretching in the luxurious way that a cat does....
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