February 14, 2016

Looking in the Rear View window

Today, I felt that new familiar burning along the back of my ears, and the tightening in my neck and back of the head that says, "shame."

I was in a psychiatric hospital for almost the entire time of my son's break; by the grace of God I was able to have a few days of recovery at home before he went off to school and my husband went back to work.

The shame came up for me in the moments before joining a Yoga class this afternoon. People made room for me, even though I was a minute or two late. On the heels of my gratitude, I remembered back to my hospital stay and realized that people could have all kinds of ideas about why I was even there.  Was there a crisis?  Did I feign a crisis, and resulting mental illness, to get away from an abusive husband?  In the hospital I remember clearly that I was red-handed and had some red coloring on bruises that grazed my left leg.  Maybe that was only done to document those were my only bruises and to make sure I could not sue anyone?  Or was it suspected (because of something I said or did not say?) that I was escaping an abusive scene domestically.  I had nothing to reveal from the family I live with. The only abuse I receive at my home, is not being appreciated or people finding me too bossy or rebellious.  Now, my problem family member  from my foo is another matter altogether.

I don't know what people thought of me in the end.  Because when we left, the hospital employee who literally let us out the back door said, incredulously, "Have you had this kind of thing happen before?" and we nodded our heads.  What WERE we tacitly agreeing to, and was she worried she would lose her job by letting us go in this unusual manner? I don't know!

It is funny, but because of the hospital stay I am a lot more conscious of my thoughts, especially the self-critical ones. I know now I cannot afford to entertain them long.

I also know that I need to change my focus. In December, I was afraid of abandonment. I went into crisis mode for myself, but overlooked my husband's potential re-encounter with cancer.

That is the journey I need to make the subject of my blog going forward, because I cannot talk to too many folks about it here, not until I know if the recent data on my husband's PSA is reproducible.

I am praying we can get another blood test done, for starters.

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