"You don't care about your aged parents," she said to me. No, my nada did not say, "aging." She said aged. That "early" boat back to her had set sail and was long gone. And she and dad are now aged. There is no way to be witness to an aging process, if they are already aged, like some cut of meat.
I am slowly finding self-forgiveness for the lapse of 13 years and counting, from our last face-to-face meeting.
One of the main stumbling blocks to having any kind of face-to-face visit with my mom is that I don't know how to just BE with her. I find my mom hard to relate to. To even imagine being in the same room with her, in peace, is impossible. I cringe.
Can I be with her when I feel berated? Can she be with me, when I am
finding fault with her? Would she rather have a bad relationship with
me, than none at all?
What if I begin by imagining companionable silence with her on a phone? That could be our starting place towards creating a relationship, instead of being something to fear. Companionable pauses. Like the ones I experience in Gendlin's Focusing.