March 18, 2016

When Program Doesn't Seem to Work

These days my program is not "working" for me. I seem to be stuck between scenes, and unable to access my life in a meaningful way. I don't feel real. Is there hope for me, I ask myself?

What can I use of my old program tools, the ones that I once placed such faith in?  I used to be able to write in a way that others related to. Now I just feel like I ostracize myself.  I feel alone in a self-made world.  

My mom, in a spirit of honest communication and interest,  asked me yesterday if I take my writing outside the house. Do I do my writing in a place that is separate from home sweet home?  Do I use this as a way to escape phone calls? 

In my old home town, the answer to this question was "yes, as much as I can."  These days I don't feel like any public space suits me for writing openly. I am afraid of being seen. I am also afraid of what will show up on the page, so I frequently write directly into prose to share in posts or to share here on my blog, without editing. In this way I assure myself that I DO write.  While I don't get many replies to my posts, at least I am writing occasionally.  I can see and reread what I write and it has some sense of permanence. 

Truth be told, I really need a friend. I also need to find a way to be a friend, to myself, to my mom and to my husband and son. 


  1. I feel for you. I have been where you are many times sometimes it felt like those feelings of isolation would never pass. Where do I belong now? The program freed me from the past but it didn't show me how to move forward or how to relate to the people in my life after I changed. I am not and will never be the same and what worked for me in the past no longer does.

    The good news is that if I can stop asking myself "where do I fit in?" and just find something or anything that inspires me I can get out of my own repetitive thoughts. I can feel less trapped and recognize that I think too much. For me time has passed and I have found the best parts of me are still there the ones I left behind so many years ago. Sorry for the long reply. Be good to yourself.

  2. Grace, what a blessing to read your words of understanding. I have sought, elsewhere, to hear an echo of my self in my current situation, through someone else's eyes, who has been where I am now. How happy I am to have received your reply from the Universe of Hope. I almost hate to write anything of my negativity, for greater fear of being isolated in this place, and ostracized. Your voice shows me that this fear is unnecessary, just for today...


I welcome your thoughts. Keep me honest~