I decided to admit that scary fact. I really didn't want to move. I did not want to look for the good, I wanted to admit the truth. But where did that take me?
I mean, what was there to say after I said I did not want to move? Even if I did tell people, "This is just the way I feel, and I know it will pass, " saying the words made the feeling even more obstinate, not less. I found myself not liking what I heard people said after I said those words. Too many people tried to fix me.
They are also people who are not in program. Or they are people who just don't understand me, and how important is is for me to speak "the truth."
I just hate putting a happy face on something , when I am uncertain about how I feel, or when I am really feeling trauma. But to do this in public places is frankly so energy dissipating, I have to give up full disclosure.
The best thing I can say right now is "I can let go." That will be my mantra, until I begin to believe it. Or the truth changes....
I don't think we can help the way we feel or the thoughts that pop into our heads. It's just what we do with them... I am sure I wouldn't want to move either!!
ReplyDeleteI love that simple way you put it. Can we help the way we feel or the thoughts that "pop" into our heads? No.... that is exactly the powerlessness statement of my primary program. We are powerless over our emotions! Amen.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I did notice that when I kept saying "I don't wanna...move" not everyone could empathize. Or they were concerned I not stay stuck there. That is when I realized some words voiced aloud in too many places could become my reality.
I need to allow the feelings, but own them for myself. Be curious about them, and discerning about where and to whom I voice them. Program folks are usually best about just listening and not trying to push my river of emotions.. in a more "acceptable" direction... Been an interesting week...
I am catching up on your blog, Smitty. I don't like changes like moving. I understand sometimes that things are necessary, but it doesn't mean that I have to like them. Hang in there.
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