August 8, 2012

Funny, that

When I reflect back to my immediate response to the dream, whatever my insight, I remember my intense anxiety. In part because my gift for making connections has not shown itself safe to indulge in, late at night. 

I may have wanted my husband to reassure me and tell me my dreams made perfect sense.  But once daylight came, there were more pressing realities to face. We had become landlords for our old old home, and were being asked to cover the costs of landscape cleanup.  My husband did not temper my anxiety there,  either. Instead he seemed to add more outrage to my own, saying, "What do they want us to do, pay a thousand dollars to get the yard in shape?"

Funny  that  I, the vulnerable one,  am the one who finds herself needing to reassure DH about these things; I wonder sometimes that I am  taking care of myself emotionally by "managing" his emotional timbre, by calming myself to prevent mutual chaos. 

Yet, in putting  first things first, I decided a few years ago not to expect that others would take care of my emotions. I have learned through program and my inventory, that when I ask for help and someone is unable to give it, that I can find a Source Within that can guide me through my darker times.   Such is what happened last Monday morning.

Then later, like today, I can reflect on the angst (or anger or frustration) and give myself credit for doing my level best.

Given the deep and profound emotional fall I endured  19 months ago,  it is a miracle to see how much more confident I am, than ever before.  I'm still dealing with a major move, too.  

It is great to be in our new home, learning daily how live at peace with the things from our past that we continue to be responsible for, but have limited control over. 

While  I find I can easily re-experience emotional vulnerability and uncertainty, today I see how each time I have faith and trust the process (and the simplest program tools), my  personal power again returns, step by step.

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