I had emotional storms to weather last week. Perfect conditions for setbacks, AKA, slips.
Last week was triggering for me. Holy Week often is.
Bad news on my doorstep, I couldn't take one more step. And the three Ones I admire most, the Father Son and the Holy Ghost...
Yes, they were absent too, as I did my study of Monsanto and herbicide resistant GMO's. I could not regain my faith in God even when I tried to look at the issues with GMO crops through some of the most optimistic eyes on the planet! I really did try to swallow the uncritical stories told by the folks like Pamela Ronald (with her nice kind flood tolerant rice), Bill Gates (who supports GMO's through private funding) and Roy Blunt (Missouri senator who receives the most contributions from Monsanto). I really should not put Dr. Ronald into the same sentence as Roy Blunt, but.. she too is funded by Monsanto for her research. I can't truck with their range of incomplete truths. And that hurts me, emotionally. While all three probably sleep soundly, I have to medicate.
Damn too, if all that close reading and investigating, had me recalling other times when the news zapped me. With less reasonable anger and fear. And its ensuing powerlessness. When George W lied to us about why we were in Iraq. And when psychiatry lied to us about the effectiveness of their medications. Now THAT I last one, I experienced first hand.
But back to last week. I am beginning to get my perspective back and can see that my preoccupation led to a slip, meant to get my attention.
My focus on the clearing space and a discipline for Lent wavered and I gave up on my spiritual gardening.
Sarah Parsons' fifth week of Lent addressed just this. I turned back to her to escape the crowd, reading from her book over coffee, before hitting the road after an appointment in Big City, Tennessippi.
She is such a love! Would you believe setbacks like this are a normal part of any personal change process? Mine happened unexpectedly. I felt that my decision to press forward responsibly as a citizen scientist, would have me moving forward in an empowering fashion. Knowledge is power. But then, what to do with it? Once the Monsanto rider bill passed, it seemed I'd landed in a heap at the base of an escalator, emotionally.
And yet, I still wanted more information. In the end, I had to realize this was an addictive process, which only produced more of an itch that needed more scratching. No end to anxiety, if I pursued more information in a negative looking direction.
My discouragement is real. Yet this set back will further my growth. It tells me where I really am when my equanimity is disturbed. I can deepen my commitment to things that are in my true sphere of influence, through drawing into intimate relationships with others, and asking for help.
So today, I started with something I could do something about. A clearing at the end of my street that was done with bulldozers and loggers. It was not only cleared in an atrocious manner, but a stream was involved.
Innocent passers by were stunned for they had no idea the flood-plain near the creek (which everyone round here wants to call a ditch) was to be completely cleared of trees. The nice pictures on the website showed lots of trees on the developed site.
I started by being completely transparent, and not anonymous, in calling a city planner in my area. When I described the situation, he told me he wondered why he hadn't heard anything from the developer about the upcoming construction.
Seems someone involved in the project wanted the logs from the trees that my "Tennessippi Condors" roosted in this winter. I saw logging trucks taking them away all during Holy Week.
Hmmm. All that racket last week, accompanied my Monsanto reading. Wonder if I wasn't trying to deny reality by looking for a different problem to focus on?
Instead, I ended up multiplying my misery and guilt, in time for Good Friday, when at noon the bulldozers down the street finally got quiet, just in time for the rain to make a mudscape out of the 10 acres of ravaged land.
Wonder if the workers thought it was a good Friday's accomplishment?