Back last spring, I got myself sidetracked in my program, with emails in which I was acting protective towards (what I thought was) a group conscience. I wanted to see folks able to be open and discuss problems they had in Sponsorship. I knew that folks did this successfully in mature AA groups, face to face. I thought our online group had built trust and could do the same.
I was wrong. There are probably many reasons. One of which is that in an online group (without video or voice), words can fail. Intentions can be attributed to a person, no matter how careful the wording. And believe me, my wording was careful.
But I also spoke up several times sharing my experiences with Sponsorship, trying to be keep the discussion alive in the spirit of learning, together. Yes. I went there… And in this group, folks carefully avoid conflict, to the point that a lot of stuff goes on privately, behind the scenes. We don't learn together much. Not on the open forum. Which is why I kept my communication almost entirely public.
While others did not. And reported me. Yep. Then I got read the riot act, when the only mistake I made was to care. Yes. Perhaps too much. I wanted us to show each other we could have a civil conversation openly, and well, I failed to demonstrate that…
And in the end, I was censored and the person who had issues with me, left our community.
I stayed, went through moderation, and six months later, this person is back.
I wonder whether the best thing is for me to leave. When I think about sharing in this community, I have this sense I will be walking on eggshells… and that others (who actually think I was bullying this person)…. are going to spot me doing something wrong. Complain about me for things I share…. unless I watch my every move…
I am afraid that I will get into trouble again, or trigger the person without meaning to. Just by being me.
That's just fear speaking, I see that. But it speaks loudly, as I have been burnt by this person too. I know we are both different sides of the same coin… but I have lost my faith in being able to communicate that, to her.
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