June 23, 2015

Memories May Be Beautiful and Yet...

Slowly slowly I am approaching the understanding  the Inner Criticizer in me.   "Hello, concerned one, what are you worried about?"

Well today it had quite a list. Let's see if I can't recall the things my Inner Criticizer opened up for me to look at in detail.

As I lay in bed wanting to continue sleeping this morning, it was quite alarmed of the lack of sleep I was getting. 

Later, when I meditated, and put aside my thoughts this morning, it came up with things I have forgotten.

During hot yoga, it told me how it really did not want to do the yoga, and that it would have nothing to share with anyone in class. It felt very estranged.

During my pre-lunch nap, it reminded me of past times when I did not know how to fit in with people and how I was NEVER a good and available mom.  It recalled back to how my son did not want to eat solid foods, and it knew WHY. It recalled back to La Leche League and how I wanted to wean. It recalled how I came to a big birthday bash for a La Leche League child,  and I did not fit in. Well, of course not, if I was late, as I often am. I was being hard on myself then, too. In the end I weaned our son at the last possible moment, with no tapering. I literally had to check out of life, I felt so weird.  

My Inner Criticizer recalled how I have often sought to connect with others, and never followed through. Well, at some points, I have connected well with others, and been a part of mutual aid. It is just hard to do that now, with my Inner Critic, so very sure I have nothing to offer.

This is one, not-so-pretty kettle of worms, each of which is living proof of my inability to be an attached parent, etc etc.

As I close this sharing, I know I need to look for the good. What if I ask my Inner Criticizer what it is so afraid of?  And comfort it? 

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